True Detective Stories

Yesterday started out in a grand fashion.

We were scheduled to have nine detectives working, and as I was driving in I received texts from three saying they were sick, one whose wife went into labor, and one who would be two hours late.

Joy.

So it was me and The Redhead Queen in the office when the first report came in. The complainant’s (bullshit) story went like this: He came home late after a night out. In his rush to get inside, he left his fully loaded Smith & Wesson 9mm semi-auto pistol in his car. Because reasons. The next day, this clown wakes up, goes out to the car, and notices the gun is missing. There are no signs of forced entry, the inside of the vehicle is not disturbed, and nothing else is taken. Just the loaded pistol.

The Queen brings in the “victim,” and goes after him hard. She asks why he would be so stupid to leave his gun in his car, why he has no information on the weapon, and why he hasn’t hanged himself in embarrassment. (Okay, I made up that last part.)

A half hour goes by, and I see the Queen walking the victim out the door and giving him a hearty, “Have a nice day!” Puzzled, I stare at her blankly, and ask what the hell just happened.

“Oh, while I was grilling him, the guy claimed he worked as a Voodoo priest. I have enough problems without some dude sticking pins in his very own Redhead Queen doll.”

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Do Not Buzzfeed The Animals

Good news, everyone! Buzzfeed, the dictionary definition of fake news, is suffering a serious downturn in revenue. The plummet is spelling doom for its IPO and its plan to take the trash media site public.

BuzzFeed is no longer on track to go public next year as its revenue for 2017 is on pace to fall far short of expectations, according to The Wall Street Journal.

Revenue for the high-flying publisher is set to fall 15 percent to 20 percent short of the of the goal of around $350 million, The Journal reported, citing unnamed sources familiar with the situation. BuzzFeed is a privately held company and financial results are not regularly distributed to the public.

Hollywood is crumbling, Al Franken is being accused of assault, and Buzzfeed is slowly dying. Wow, President Trump really is making America great again!

Everyone Gets A Trophy Wife

Students in a Virginia middle school received a real education for a change, after their teacher distributed a quiz dealing with the important things in life.

Parents of students at Carter G. Woodson Middle School in Hopewell said children in a Family & Consumer Sciences class were given the unusual “Family Quiz” worksheet.

The parents said the worksheet started with standard questions about the organization of a family unit, but ended with questions about marital infidelity and terms like “trophy wife” and “boy toy.”

“No one in the schools system needs to be teaching my daughter what a mistress is or a trophy wife or boy toy. It’s inappropriate for a school. Period. We send our kids there to learn math, reading, science and history not to learn this other stuff that goes on in the world that they eventually going to learn anyways,” parent Tara Sample told WTVR-TV.

Pfft, I could have taught the kids about the term “Boy toy,” since I spent my high school and college years living as one. Besides, would you rather your kids learn about trophy wives on the street?

Al Franken: “Not Fit To Serve In Senate?”

Earlier this week, Senate Majority Leader – and RINO jackass – Mitch McConnell stated Alabama Judge Roy Moore was “not fit to serve in the Senate.” McConnell based this statement on mere allegations from, admittedly, several women.

Yesterday, model/actress Leeann Tweeden launched an accusation against Senator Al Franken, and provided photographic evidence of sexual assault.

News anchor Leeann Tweeden accused Minnesota Sen. Al Franken Thursday of sexually harassing her multiple times during a USO entertainment tour in the Middle East in 2006.

Tweeden alleges that Franken, a writer for “Saturday Night Live” before he became a senator, wrote a script that featured him kissing her, and harassed her during rehearsals, Tweeden writes. When Tweeden returned from the tour, she noticed a photo from the tour where Franken has his hands on her breasts and is smiling into the camera.

“You knew exactly what you were doing. You forcibly kissed me without my consent, grabbed my breasts while I was sleeping and had someone take a photo of you doing it, knowing I would see it later, and be ashamed,” Tweeden wrote.

I’ve been a fan of Tweeden’s since she was on ESPN’s Fitness Beach workout show in the 90’s. She’s obviously crazy stupid hot, but she also does a lot for the troops with the USO and other ventures. The fact this despicable piece of flotsam placed his hands on her disgusts and angers me.

In my professional opinion, Al Franken has always been a pig. The man is a self-righteous asshole who believes the rules should not apply to him. Is Al Franken “fit to serve in the Senate, Mitch?” I’m anxiously awaiting your answer.

Everything’s Faster In Texas

Wow, I heard the reviews for Justice League were bad, but I had no idea people would rather get arrested than sit through the entire film.

A San Antonio couple faces charges of public lewdness after theater employees reported catching the two having sex during a movie last week.

Melissa Dawn Feist-McCuistion, 39, and Adam Emmet Lee, 40, were arrested early Thursday at the Santikos Casa Blanca cinema.

An employee reported being “shocked” upon finding Feist-McCuistion performing a sex act on Lee in the theater and left to tell a manager. When they got back, the couple was having sex “really fast.”

Hey! A lot of guys have sex really fast; it’s a common problem among middle-aged men. So I’m told. By the way, Melissa absolutely has some potential, but she could definitely do better than this schlub.

Good News, Everybody!

Unrepentant murderer and fashion icon Charles Manson has been hospitalized, and reports are his death is imminent. Yep, today is a good day.

Charles Manson was rushed to a Bakersfield hospital 3 days ago, and has been wheeled around on a gurney for various treatments … escorted by 5 uniformed cops.

We’re told the 83-year-old Manson, who lays still covered in blankets, looks ashen. Our sources say Manson’s health has been steadily deteriorating and, as it was put to us, “It’s just a matter of time.”

It is my sincere hope it takes weeks for Manson to die, and the prick is writhing in extraordinary pain the entire time. I would also not blame any officers if they decided to get a few shots in on this piece of filth before he checks out. Just sayin’.

Flea Markets Have The Best Finds

A North Carolina man purchased an Old West photo at a local flea market in 2011. Six years later, experts are valuing the photo at over a million dollars.

Experts now believe a photo purchased at a flea market for $10 shows Billy the Kid standing with the lawman who killed him, making the snapshot potentially worth millions.

North Carolina attorney Frank Abrams spotted the tintype photo in Asheville.

A Los Angeles forensic video expert said facial recognition software indicates that it is most likely Garrett and Billy the Kid in the picture, according to a signed declaration. A handwriting expert in Texas declared the handwriting on the photo a match to Garrett.

That’s incredible! The only things I ever find at flea markets are Engelbert Humperdinck albums and soiled underpants recovered from Tom Jones concerts.

Making Basketball Great Again

The three college basketball players who were detained in China after being accused of shoplifting from a Louis Vuitton store have been released, thanks in large part to the efforts of President Trump.

Three UCLA basketball players accused of shoplifting in China last week returned to Los Angeles on Tuesday.

The three were arrested last week while their team was in the city of Hangzhou ahead of the squad’s season opener in Shanghai. They were questioned on suspicion of stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store near their hotel.

Two things. First, why is there is a Louis Vuitton store in communist China? Second, what kind of mental defective shoplifts in a country where they sentence you to death for spitting on the sidewalk?

LiAngelo Ball, Cody Riley and Jalen Hill were allowed to leave after the situation was “resolved to the satisfaction of the Chinese authorities,” said Larry Scott, commissioner of the Pacific-12 athletic conference, of which UCLA is a member.

“We are grateful for the role that our Chinese hosts played, and for the courtesy and professionalism of the local authorities,” Scott said. “We also want to acknowledge UCLA’s significant efforts on behalf of their student-athletes.

“Finally, we want to thank the President, the White House and the US State Department for their efforts towards resolution.”

Personally, I think Mr. Scott should have thanked the president first, but whatever. The fact the president – a man most NBA players believe is an unapologetic racist – went out of his way to free these three men should speak volumes about Trump’s character. Sadly, he will receive little to no credit for the act, and these three clowns – as well as most NBA players – will be attacking Trump again on social media in a matter of days.

Invasion Of The Brain Snatchers

Meet Doug Teixeira and Lindsey Pelton. This obscenely attractive couple were recently arrested in Florida after they were victims of a home invasion.

Sadly, they were also the offenders.

The couple told Volusia County sheriff’s deputies that two men entered their home on Hayward Avenue through a back sliding glass door shortly after 2:30 p.m. Oct. 26. After a brief exchange with the suspects, the husband was shot in the leg and the wife was shot in the arm.

Deputies quickly suspected that something was not right as the home smelled of bleach and they found dried blood in the home and garage.

“If this incident just occurred and they called police right away, why would you have dried blood and why do we have bleach all over the house,” Sheriff Mike Chitwood said.

Chitwood said Pelton shot herself in the lower left forearm and fractured the bone and Teixeira had a bullet enter the rear of his left calf and exit the front of the calf. The injuries are not considered life-threatening.

“They shot themselves for the purpose of committing insurance fraud,” Chitwood said. “They were going to sue the homeowner to collect money.”

When people outside Florida decide to commit insurance fraud, they usually pretend to fall down the steps or claim they have whiplash. That way, they don’t bleed to death during the attempt. Idiots.