Pathetic Losers May Now Claim Disability

sexually-handicappedAre you a grossly unattractive person with irreparable body odor? Is your left hand your most vigorous and loyal sexual partner? If so, I offer my congratulations: you are now considered “disabled.”

People who don’t have sex or struggle to find a sexual partner to have children with will now be considered as DISABLED, according to barmy new guidelines set to be announced.

Now in dramatic move the World Health Organisation will change the standard to suggest that a person who is unable to find a suitable sexual partner or is lacking a sexual relationship to have children – will now be equally classified as disabled.

The WHO says the change will give every individual “the right to reproduce.”

Humans do not only have no right to reproduce, but many humans should be permanently barred from ever reproducing. Looking at you, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Moore, and anyone named Kardashian.

Implicit in this decision is the fact these people will be eligible for all rights and benefits – monetary or otherwise – of claiming a disability. This is simply another entitlement for humanity’s leeches.

NFL Punts On Domestic Violence Issue

new-york-giants-kicker-josh-brownMeet New York Giants kicker Josh Brown. Josh is not himself when he’s hungry, but instead of reaching for a Snickers, he reaches for his wife. Brown is a self-proclaimed abuser, and the zero-tolerance NFL punished Brown for his crimes… with a one-game suspension.

As the league plasters its fields with pink ribbons and decks its players out in pink cleats and pink towels this month in an effort to fool us into thinking it cares for the health of its female fans, its handling of Josh Brown’s suspension for domestic violence shows what a farce it all is.

This is the guy the NFL suspended in August for one game following a May 2015 incident with his then-wife, Molly. One measly game. Animal cruelty, DUIs, drug use — if you judge simply by the penalties handed down, the NFL considers all of those offenses more shameful than abusing your spouse.

I don’t remember the case against Tom Brady being cut and dried, but that didn’t stop Goodell from banishing him for a quarter of the season.

Brown’s acknowledgment that he abused his former wife renewed outrage over his lax suspension. So, naturally, the NFL on Thursday tried to shift the blame to Brown’s former wife and law enforcement, saying they had refused to cooperate with the league’s investigation. Charges against Brown were never filed.

The NFL has become riddled with thugs, and when you combine this with the national anthem protests, one has to wonder why anyone would continue to support this league. Personally, I hope this is the beginning of the end for the NFL; a league which has outlived its usefulness.

A Bottle Of White, A Bottle Of Red…

guzzle-buddy-wine-glassLadies, are you stressed out? Are your children and husband/boyfriend making you consider burning down your own home? If so, I may have a solution for you. Introducing the Guzzle Budddy!

You’ve already got that bottle of wine you love so much, but you’re not in the right place to just open it up and enjoy it? Now there’s a new kind of wine glass that you simply jam into the bottle and have your drink while still looking civil enough.

It’s called the Guzzle Buddy and it not only helps you to sip your drink easier (not to mention classier), but it also makes it harder to spill, what in return will make your carpet extra thankful.

Mrs. Earp has already ordered a gross of these to get drunk enough to have sex with me.

Channeling Their Inner Khrushchev


Lost in all the election nonsense is the fact the fecklessness of America’s worst president has so emboldened our enemies that they now parade warships through the English Channel.

The Kremlin is sending the full might of its Northern Fleet and part of the Baltic Fleet to reinforce a final assault on the city of Aleppo in a fortnight, according to Western intelligence.

The assault on the city will also serve to highlight US inaction in the run-up to election day and may aid Donald Trump.

Royal Navy warships are due to escort a group of eight Russian warships, including the country’s only aircraft carrier, as they sail past the UK on their way to the Mediterranean.

The media has been infatuated with this “Putin wants to aid Trump” nonsense for months now. I’m not buying it. While Putin may prefer Trump to Hillary – and really, who wouldn’t – I believe his unbridled assertiveness has more to do with insulting Barack Obama than assisting either of the candidates.

Russia sees Obama for what he is; an unqualified 98-pound weakling who would rather golf and smoke weed than govern. Embarrassing King Putt is Putin’s favorite hobby.

Really Old School

Kyle Playing MidfieldKyle’s high school lacrosse team is in the middle of fall ball – a six-week lacrosse league created to hone the athlete’s skills. Being an assistant coach, I have attended most of the games, and we’re currently 3-1. Kyle, for his part, is playing well, if you disregard last Sunday’s game when he got thrown out for unsportsmanlike conduct.

It was his first ever major penalty.

Since fall ball began, we have also had informal evening workouts at school. Last night, I suited up with the other two coaches to join in the team’s scrimmage. It went as well as you would expect.

This was the first time since 2010 I played in an actual game, and while I played lacrosse for Saint Joseph’s University – Jesus, 25 years ago – you would never know it. I was slow, I couldn’t read the defense or the offense, and while my catching was pretty good, my shots were godawful. By the end of the night, I earned a lousy two assists. Kyle finished with a goal and five assists.

My ego took a giant hit last night, and forced me to accept the ugly fact I’m getting old. I am now 47, but for some reason, that age doesn’t register with me. Maybe because I am still pretty active, or maybe because I am suffering from Alzheimer’s. I could have used the excuse I was playing kids thirty years younger than me, but I was brutally honest; I told my players I sucked last night.

I still plan on playing during these indoor workouts because I love playing lacrosse, but not being able to play the way I did in college is a depressing proposition.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am headed for whiskey. And yes, I am well aware it is 10am.

Human Wastes Dump Human Waste


While traveling through Georgia, a Democrat tour bus pulled to the side of the road, and jettisoned human waste into a neighborhood storm drain. Yes, the Democrats literally shat upon Georgia.

Lawrenceville police are investigating a claim that involves a Democratic National Committee tour bus illegally dumping human waste in between campaign stops.

A report of Democrats breaking the law? The hell you say!

Police say when they arrived on the scene, toilet paper was scattered everywhere and there was a foul smell.

Um, they’re Democrats, brah; they always smell… usually of Hillary’s granny panties and shame.

A Lawrenceville businessman took several photos of the tour bus dumping waste into the storm drain. You can see in the pictures, a liquid coming from the bottom of the bus. A HAZMAT crew had to be called to the location.

Luckily for the DNC, they dumped the dismembered bodies of Hillary’s enemies at the Florida state line.


justice-clarence-thomasIn 21st Century America, no one can escape politics. It has become infused into our social media sites, sports leagues, and now our beloved museums.

I expected better from the Smithsonian.

The new Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum of African American History and Culture’s tagline is “powerful moments in African American history, culture, and community.” However, the museum doesn’t include many prominent blacks, including Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and Edward Brooke, a Republican who became the first African American to be elected to the U.S. Senate by popular vote in 1966. asked: “Many prominent African Americans are not included in the museum, most notably Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas … Can [the institute say] why Thomas and the others listed below are not a part of the museum exhibits?”

Linda St. Thomas, chief spokesperson for the Smithsonian, replied: “There are many compelling personal stories about African Americans who have become successful in various fields, and, obviously, Associate Justice Thomas is one of them,” St. Thomas said in an email. “However, we cannot tell every story in our inaugural exhibitions.

What Ms. St. Thomas really means is the museum cannot tell every conservative story. Missing from the museum are MI State Senator Cora Brown, Alveda King, Senator Tim Scott, former Cincinnati Mayor Kenneth Blackwell, Michael Steele, and Thomas Sowell, every one a noted Republican.

Bottle Rocket


A Honduran man lost his penis after it became wedged inside the bottle he was boinking. Jesus Christ, have you people never even heard of Vaseline?

Doctors have amputated a man’s penis after it became stuck in a bottle he was using as a sex toy for four days.

A 50-year-old man arrived at a hospital in Honduras with a penis that was “black and decaying.” The man was trying to “relieve sexual frustration” because he did not have a wife or girlfriend.

The doctor revealed the man will never be able to have sex again following the operation, although he will be able to urinate after his urethra was moved. He added: “When you put your penis into a bottle it causes a constriction in the blood vessels of the penis and within four hours you can lose the penis.”

In fairness, the victim did nothing when his dingus started to rot, because he thought a black penis would make him more popular with the ladies.

Driving Miss Crazy

chelsea-raye-wilsonMeet Chelsea Raye Wilson of, you guessed it, Florida.

Ever the self-starter, Chelsea wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture… and rob them. Unlike many U.S. companies, however, Chelsea kept her hiring in house.

A man driving his daughter to a bank robbery told authorities he thought he was driving her to a job interview.

When the woman returned to her father’s SUV with a large amount of cash, the father told authorities he thought his daughter had gotten an advance payment at her new job.

Daddy Dearest is either the world’s worst liar or the dumbest man in Florida. Think about that for a moment: the dumbest man… in Florida.

The robbery happened at about 4 p.m. Thursday. Authorities say Chelsea Wilson, 24, of Hollywood, walked into the TD Bank at 1215 SE 17th St. in Fort Lauderdale, wearing an outfit that included a red wig, hat and sunglasses.

She handed a teller a note that read, “You have exactly one minute to give me all your $50 & $100 bills from both drawers or I will shoot you! No dye packs, no alarms follow these instructions and no one will get hurt, act normal,” according to the criminal complaint. (H/T – Jim F.)

Wilson confessed to four other bank robberies, each one a federal offense. By the time Chelsea sees the light of day, she’ll be able to view the premiere of Rocky 38.