Troll Vandalizes Philly Synagogue

A despicable piece of worm-ridden filth urinated on a Philadelphia synagogue’s steps and flipped off the security camera Sunday morning.

Police are hunting for a man seen urinating on a Philadelphia synagogue and giving the finger to the surveillance camera.

The man was seen in the disturbing footage approaching the front doors of Congregation Beth Solomon on the 100 block of Tomlinson Road, at around 12.30am on Sunday. He spotted the camera, staring straight down the lens, before he flipped the bird.

The suspect then turned around and urinated up the wall at the synagogue’s entrance, and ‘continues to address the camera until finished,’ police said.

I only have one question: what the hell is Paul Ryan doing in Philly?

UPDATE: The anti-semitic POS turned himself in today.

Finally, A SecDef Who Commands Respect

Not content to focus solely on the OMG TRUMP-RUSSIA! non-story, or the OMG TRUMP’S A NAZI! story, the bed-wetters of the mainstream media are now shrieking about Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis’ remarks to sailors of the USS Kentucky.

‘Thanks for sticking with the Navy,’ he said at the Naval Base Kitsap in the state of Washington, adding that the experience would change them ‘for the better for the rest of your life.’

‘So you’ll never regret, but you will have some of the best days of your life and some of the worst days of your life in the U.S. Navy, you know what I mean? That says – that means you’re living. That means you’re living.’

That means you’re not some p***y sitting on the sidelines, you know what I mean, kind of sitting there saying, “Well, I should have done something with my life”,’ he said.

Oh my gawd, General Mattis used the p-word! Personally, I’m disappointed in Mattis’ word choice, as well. I expected him to use the c-word instead.

Would You Like Crabs With That?

In York, Pennsylvania, everyone is allowed to be served a happy meal.

In May, investigators charged Conrad Jablecki, 30, with indecent exposure, open lewdness, and disorderly conduct after he was seen receiving oral sex from an unidentified woman in a McDonald’s in York, PA.

Upon spotting Jablecki and the woman, an employee “kicked them out of the restaurant” and called cops. At the time of Jablecki’s collar, cops asked anyone with information about the woman’s identity to contact investigators.

Police subsequently identified Christine Alana Chafin, 37, as Jablecki’s public sex partner. Chafin was charged with open lewdness and disorderly conduct.

This doesn’t surprise me, because I used to attend an annual golf weekend in York. It defines the term “Pennsyltucky;” a lot of white trash intermingled with the general population. These two idiots apparently like McDonald’s not for the fries, but for the warm soft serve.

Blazing Chattels

A Florida couple – where else – is recovering from injuries received after their vehicle exploded. The husband and wife are planning to sue the car manufacturer for negligence and… oh.

The man and his wife had a gas barbecue grill in the back of their Kia Sorento, according to Lt. Cindy Lane, of the Orlando Police Department.

The grill was turned on and the propane tank attached to the grill was open and connected. Police said the wife went to light a cigarette and the SUV exploded.

Take a moment to digest this. These morons were driving down the highway… with a propane grill in the back seat… which was turned on!

The vehicle continued westbound and crashed into a pole. The driver and the passenger, who weren’t identified, were transported to an area hospital with burns. Their injuries are non-life-threatening, Lane said.

Instead of broiling that steak over an open flame in the back of the car, maybe pull into a Five Guys drive-thru instead? While there is a chance someone will spit in your food, but your changes of explosions or smoke inhalation greatly diminish. Jackasses.

A New Sheriff In Town

Amidst all the chaos of this past weekend, President Trump found time to escape the Nazi catcalls to suggest a pardon for someone I feel was railroaded by an activist judge.

President Trump may soon issue a pardon for Joe Arpaio, the colorful former Arizona sheriff who was found guilty two weeks ago of criminal contempt for defying a state judge’s order to stop traffic patrols targeting suspected undocumented immigrants.

Trump said the pardon could happen in the next few days, should he decide to do so.

Arpaio, 85, was convicted by U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton of misdemeanor contempt of court for willfully disregarding an Arizona judge’s order in 2011 to stop the anti-immigrant traffic patrols. Arpaio had maintained the law enforcement patrols for 17 months thereafter.

So this judge not only decides to ignore the immigration laws, but also demands a border sheriff to do the same? To be brutally honest, I doubt I would follow that order, either. Activist judges are granted entirely too much power, and congress needs to start reining these people in; the sooner, the better.

For what it’s worth, I realize many people see Arpaio as an arrogant blowhard, but I would fully support a pardon for the man.

In Canada, No One Is Poutine Out

Despite its seemingly pleasant disposition, its dreamy Prime Minister, and its miles and miles of snow-kissed plains, Canada is not a hotbed of sexual satisfaction.

Lucia O’Sullivan, a psychology professor at the Fredericton university, said more than three-quarters of young men and women struggle with bad sex lives — with one or more “persistent and distressing” problems in sexual functioning.

The problems are directly related to the performance of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

“We have this image that partnered sexual life for young people, particularly at the beginning, is fun, pleasurable and really hedonistic,” she said Wednesday. “But what we found once we started tracking them over time is that many young people have sexual problems they are dealing with.”

Common problems for men included low sexual satisfaction, low desire and problems in erectile function, while women reported an inability to reach orgasm, low satisfaction and pain.

Yeah, my former girlfriends has problems with pain, if you known what I mean… the pain of having to deal with my unruly back hair and shriveled dingus.

Caption Contest Winners

The If It Walks Like A Duck Caption Contest has now concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. “Aflac…” – Sully
4. “Run, Forrest, run!” – Mike AKA Proof
3. “YEAH! I’m a duck and I have issues with flying! Go ahead and make fun of me. Hope you have lots of wiper fluid!” – Cathy
2. Duck Duck Go……. – DocRambo

WINNER! – Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you. – GOODSTUFF

Town Needs An Enema!

The Japanese people often move at a slower pace than other socieities, so progress in their country will sometimes get backed up. No longer. Kan-Chan is here to flush Japan’s worries away.

A Japanese pharmaceutical company has introduced a large, pink, penguin-like character as a mascot for its enemas.

Tokyo-based Ichijiku Pharmaceutical Co. introduced its new mascot Kan-chan, that resembles a giant home enema kit with blushing cheeks, yellow feet and a smiling beak.

“I’m planning to go to many places in the future,” Kan-chan said in the introductory tweet.

Yep, exotic locales like deep, dark, damp caves, occasionally pocked with stalactites and stalagmites.

Demi Moore Wept

Dear social justice warriors, the sooner you realize men and women are different (and always will be), the sooner we can all resume our lives.

The only woman in the Navy SEAL training pipeline has dropped out, a Navy special warfare official has confirmed.

The female midshipman voluntarily decided to not continue in a summer course that’s required of officers who want to be selected for SEAL training, said Navy spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Mark Walton on Friday.

The Navy has not released the woman’s name, part of a policy against publicly identifying SEALs or candidates for the force. No other women are in the process required to become a Navy SEAL, Walton said. Another woman has set her sights on becoming a Special Warfare Combatant Crewman.

You know who would be a good candidate for the SEALs? Chelsea Manning.

True Detective Stories

While it would be ridiculous to accuse all police officers of being heartless, insolent, jagoffs, there is a segment of each department whose mission appears to be ruining our reputation with the public.

Take this jagoff, for example…

A police officer called the division looking for guidance, and unfortunately he got me instead. Hey, I certainly didn’t become a cop to help people! Any hoo, the officer calls and the conversation goes as follows. (For the record, some of this is paraphrasing.)

Officer: “Yeah, I’m out here on Fifth Street and we have two guys shooting each other… with paintball guns. Can we confiscate these guns?”
Me: “That depends. Are they committing a crime? By that, I mean, are they shooting passersby, cars, or storefronts? Are they threatening people with the guns? Help me out here.”

Continue reading “True Detective Stories”