The Misadventures Of Sheriff Hobo

Tracy Briley Mug ShotMeet Tracy Briley.

Tracy is a homeless man from Florida who likes to eat out, and his favorite entree is seafood; specifically, clams.

A Treasure Island Police Department officer found Tracy Briley, 50, with his shorts at his ankles and “penis out in plain view” around 1 PM Wednesday. Briley, the cop noted, “was performing cunnilingus on a female subject laying on the beach boardwalk.”

Briley told the officer that he was an “emergency responder and had to assist the female as it was his duty.”

Wait a minute, first responders are allowed to “assist” women with their tongues? Why was I not informed, and how can I transfer to Waikiki Beach?

When Officer Zakariah Dorman arrived on the boardwalk, Briley’s companion – who is not identified in the complaint – was clothed. She was subsequently transported to a local hospital in “reference to a medical issue.”

I’m not a doctor, but I’ll go out on a limb and say the woman caught more crabs that day than the crew of the Time Bandit.

Tomorrow Is Go Topless Day!

Katy Perry Bikini

No one likes boobies more than me, but I’m holding out for Go Pantsless Day.

Apparently Go Topless Day is this Sunday, and one of the hot spots for it is Hampton Beach. The police don’t intended to add any officers saying, “They’re exercising their right under the law, I understand some people are offended by that. We don’t plan to pay them any attention.”

Wow, and I thought I was a lousy liar. Every single police officer in Hampton Beach – and the country – will be ogling the naked bra buddies, and reports of auto accidents will skyrocket.

The Free the Nipple movement started with a movie that had the same name. The movie centers around women fighting societal norms and laws that prohibit them from going topless.

Free the Nipple? Are they behind bars? Have they been denied parole? Look, if you want to free your nipples, stop wearing a bra or share them with a willing male participant. Going altogether topless is not exactly the best choice for every woman. Lookin’ at you, Hillary Clinton.

The Dark Blight

Drunk BatmanAmerica’s sluggish economy and skyrocketing crime rate has taken its toll on everyone, but now even superheroes are feeling the stress of a world gone mad.

Thankfully, the greatest stress relief known to man is still readily available.

Police in Salamanca (N.Y.) are looking for a costumed crusader who apparently has a thirst for Budweiser beer.

A man wearing a Batman costume and a Captain America mask walked into a Center St. convenience store Tuesday and stole 2 18-packs of Budweiser. The beer is valued at $33.18. Police are still trying to determine the masked man’s alter-ego.

Can superheroes truly be super if they drink Budweiser? You’d think Captain America would swipe some Captain Morgan, and Batman would stock his utility belt with Bacardi.

Weekend Caption Contest

Barack Obama Tours Louisiana Flood Damage

Water Hazard Caption Contest
(Source: AP)

Original Caption: President Barack Obama talks with Jacolson Kelley, 6, as Marlette Sanders watches at left, while touring Castle Place, a flood-damaged area of Baton Rouge, La., Tuesday, Aug. 23, 2016. (Photo: Susan Walsh/AP)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted Monday, August 29th.

Kids N Play

IMG_1525We’re about two weeks out from the most wonderful time of the year, also known as Back to School Day. Since I haven’t done a kid story in a while – and have absolutely no post ideas today – I figured I’d use the time to update everyone on the clan.

Kyle: Kyle spent his summer riding his BMX bike and (im)perfecting tricks with it. As of this post, his one leg in scabbed from knee to ankle thanks to various falls. The good news is he received his sophomore schedule and again has honors classes for everything except math. Fall lacrosse begins in September, and he is very excited for it. As am I.

Erik: Erik’s fall soccer is underway, and their first tournament is this weekend. Erik enjoyed the Olympics, mostly because he could see the Track and Field events. Erik also informed me he wants to run track in high school, instead of playing lacrosse for the team his father coaches! I kid. It’s his decision, and I will support whatever he chooses. He learned who he has for 7th Grade, and thinks she’s an decent teacher…

Continue reading “Kids N Play”

Diving For Whirls

Ingrid de Oliveira Brazilian DiverMeet Ingrid Oliveira.

Ingrid is an Olympic diver from Brazil who has a thirst for competition; a thirst which always takes a back seat to her hunger for any guy with a pulse.

Sounds like my kind of woman.

20-year-old Ingrid Oliveira and 17-year-old Giovanna Pedroso have ended their diving partnership after Oliveira booted the teen out of the room they were sharing at the Olympic Village in Rio so she could enjoy a “marathon sex session” with Brazilian canoeist Pedro Gonçalves.

Oliveira apparently asked her teammate if she would mind sleeping elsewhere so that she and the canoeist could share some up-close-and-personal time. After what was described as a “heated discussion,” Pedroso finally relented.

After an apparently sleepless night for both divers, the two finished in last place in the women’s 10-meter synchronized platform dive, a performance described as “pathetic” by local outlets. (H/T – Jim F.)

In fairness, Giovanna was probably too tired to execute her dives properly, and Ingrid’s equilibrium was off because her orifices were packed with semen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

My Kind Of Town

University Of Chicago

In a severe outbreak of common sense, the University of Chicago has told incoming freshmen to leave their special little snowflake badges home.

The University of Chicago, one of America’s most prestigious and selective universities, is warning incoming students starting this fall not to expect safe spaces and a trigger-free existence during their four-year journey through academia.

“Our commitment to academic freedom means that we do not support so-called “trigger warnings,” we do not cancel invited speakers because their topics might prove controversial, and we do not condone the creation of intellectual “safe spaces” where individuals can retreat from ideas and perspectives at odds with their own,” the letter states.

Wow, good for them. *standing ovation* If there is a sad part to this fantastic development it’s that this story is, in itself, newsworthy, and not the norm for every college in America.

Ich Bin Nude Berliner

Berlin No Pants Subway RideBerlin, a city which welcomes rampaging Muslim immigrants and antisemitic neo-Nazis, is cracking down on the region’s real terrorists: naked subway riders.

Berlin’s public transport company, the Berliner Verkehrsbetriebe (BVG), pride themselves on their laid-back attitude to their customers. But a recent incident has prompted them to pull rank.

All sorts of unusual passengers ride the Berlin metro – pets, homeless people, musicians, and even a flash mob of people with no trousers on in January this year during the “No Pants Subway Ride.”

But two recently uploaded YouTube videos show that a man took things one step further and nonchalantly rode the U1 and U4 lines completely naked, to the surprise of his fellow travelers.

BVG spokeswoman Petra Reetz had something to say about the Berlin metro dress code. Nudity “is not welcome” on the underground, and counts as “causing public disturbance”, Reetz said. (H/TAOSHQ)

In fairness, nudity is not welcome for certain riders – fat chicks, old men, etc – but it is more than welcome for hot, busty Frauleins. I do enjoy their stance that nudity is causing a public disturbance, but gang rapes by Muslims is a cultural misunderstanding.

Miranda Warnings

Miranda Lambert Cries Over Soldier's Sign

Unlike other entertainers, country music singers seem much more down to Earth and definitely more conservative than, say, actors. Sometimes even the good people surprise you, like Miranda Lambert did this weekend.

Miranda Lambert broke down in tears during a concert on Friday night in Hartford, Conn. Midway through her set, she was singing the first verse of “The House That Built Me” when a fan’s sign caught her eye.

“3 combat tours. [Your] voice was the last thing I listened to EVERY NIGHT! THANK YOU!!!” the message read.

Lambert walked over, picked up the white poster board and held it up for the entire venue to see. Video shows her crying before showing it to her band. She propped the sign up on stage by her microphone stand and tried to sing the song one more time before wiping tears from her eyes. Unable to get through it, she grabbed her heart and said thank you to the veteran, who was also crying.

You can see the video below the fold. It’s pretty awesome.

Continue reading “Miranda Warnings”

Swedish Squish

Busty Swedish BabeA Swedish hockey player was skating on thin ice after being accused of groping a woman inside the Marité night club in Östersund. Luckily for the player, the prosecution’s case went tits up.

An ice hockey player in Sweden has been cleared of groping a woman because the ‘victim’ had ‘gigantic breasts.’ The player, who has not been named, accidentally ‘happened to touch one of their breasts’ because they were ‘gigantic.’

‘With regard to the sexual molestation, they [the two women] were standing at a bar table and then he comes along drunk and drapes his arms around both of them from behind, and then he happens to touch one of their breasts,’ investigator Mikael Lundberg said.

He added: ‘And it should be noted that they had gigantic breasts. It wasn’t hard to brush up against them.

Maybe it’s just me, but there is a big difference between brushing up against breasts and groping them. Believe me, I know; I have the slap marks to prove it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed out to a Kate Upton and Charlotte McKinney autograph session.