Caption Contest Winners

The Unhappy Meal Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. I’m sorry, what part of Chick-Fil-A did you not understand? – Barry D.
4. I said, “Kiss the boo boo!” – Proof
3. Princess P when one of her brothers took the last nugget. – MelP
2. Hey Ronald!….I got your chicken finger right here! – Kevin

WINNER! – After murdering Grimace and the Mayor McCheese with a plastic fork, young Tammy began dipping her fries in the blood of Ronald McDonald. – Sully

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Darwin Wins Again

Meet Randall Stephens of Alabama.

Randall was recently released from prison, serving time for weapons and narcotics charges. In an effort to seize the day, Randall quickly turned his life around… by allegedly attempting to steal electricity.

An Alabama man was electrocuted while attempting to steal power from a utility pole. Calhoun County Sheriff Matthew Wade identified the victim as Randall Stephens, 56.

Stephens was released from the Calhoun County Jail on May 16. He had been serving time since October 2018 for gun and drug charges.

Stephens’ death was discovered after his skull was found in a neighbor’s front yard. The rest of his body was found “badly decomposed” at the bottom of a power pole. A ladder was next to the pole along with a belt and jumper cables at the top.

Interestingly, there is also a good chance we’ll find Charlie Sheen’s naked, lifeless body lying next to a belt, jumper cables, and a sleeping Tawny Kitaen.

Elizabeth Warren Embraces Reparations

Presidential candidate Elizabeth “Lie-awatha” Warren realizes she has no chance at securing the Democratic nomination, so she must go further left than the red socialists in her party. Now in panic mode, Warren is promising reparations for gays and lesbians.

Democratic Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren has added “gay and lesbian couples” to the growing list of groups for whom she would support reparations.

Citing a tax code that was “discriminatory” against non-heterosexual married couples, Warren tweeted Saturday, “It wasn’t until marriage equality became law that gay & lesbian couples could jointly file tax returns—so they paid more in taxes. Our government owes them more than $50M for the years our discriminatory tax code left them out. We must right these wrongs.”

Funny, since NBC News, not exactly a conservative outfit, is claiming Chief Grand Cherokee’s reparations will cost American taxpayers upwards of $57 million.

Warren’s Refund Equality Act, introduced June 20, would retroactively apply “married-filing jointly” status — along with refunding the amount overpaid — to same sex couples who were married in states where such unions were recognized prior to the federal government doing so in 2013.

“Everybody was Kung Fu pandering…” Like every leftist presidential candidate, Warren doesn’t care about the costs, because those pesky rich people will foot the bill. Lizzie is worth nearly $9 million, but she’s won’t have to pay. No, it’s those evil, crooked rich people, who use their money to create things and hire employees. Those guys are the ones who are going to part with their money, dontchaknow?

The Milwaukee Skewers

Happy Monday, everyone!

Yes, I know it’s Monday, we have to go to work, and it’s entirely too hot out, but look at the bright side; at least we’re not this guy.

Milwaukee police say a 20-year-old man accidentally shot himself when he believed he was about to get robbed.

Authorities say the man was walking in a residential area on the north side of the city at about 12:30 a.m. Saturday when he saw two people walking toward him. Police say that’s when the man pulled out a gun and accidentally shot himself.

Ironically, the gunshot wound made the man much easier to rob.

Sunday Services

This week’s services are a little different, since while the subject may not be your cup of tea, I think she is crazy, stupid, blinding hot. And, since I’m running this ranch, I’m posting her. Gentlemen, I give you Philadelphia girl and Last Man Standing actress Molly Ephraim.

Molly Ephraim (May 22, 1986) is an American actress who has appeared in films, television, and Broadway, Off-Broadway, and regional theater productions. She is known for her role as Mandy Baxter in the FOX sitcom Last Man Standing during its original run (2011–2017). Ephraim has also appeared in a number of other TV series including Brockmire (2017), Halt and Catch Fire (2017), and Casual (2018). Most recently, Ephraim portrayed Irene Kelly in The Front Runner (2018).

Ephraim was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and grew up in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. She performed in shows at the Bucks County Playhouse as a child and in professional productions at the Prince Music Theater and Arden Theatre Company in Philadelphia as a teenager. Ephraim was raised Jewish.

Molly regularly outshines co-star Nancy Travis – who is also very hot – and her body is just outstanding.

There are more photos below the fold…

Continue reading “Sunday Services”

Tony Montana Would Be Proud

Philadelphia received a special delivery this week, when cargo ship pulled into the city’s port with sixteen tons of cocaine.

According to the U.S. Attorney’s Office for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania, 16 and a half tons of cocaine were seized from a large ship at the Packer Marine Terminal on Tuesday, June 18.

The ship was en route from Chile an unknown location when authorities received a tip on Monday night about the cocaine shipment. Following a thorough search of the ship, authorities discovered the cocaine stowed away inside of eight shipping containers.

The U.S. Attorney’s Office estimates the street value of the cocaine at $1 billion. (H/T – MelP)

Robert Downey, Jr. hardest hit.

You May Pyre When Ready

Missouri’s “Jedi Disposal Act” may soon allow funeral pyres for the dearly departed.

It’s a bummer the Missouri bill nicknamed the “Jedi Disposal Act” does not, as the name suggests, legally recognize the Jedi’s right to live on after death as blue ghosts.

Instead, Senate Bill 455, which is awaiting the signature of Missouri Governor Parson, would legalize open-air cremations — that is, burning the deceased on some kind of funeral pyre. As first reported by the Kansas City Star, the nickname stuck because lawmakers couldn’t help but think of the Jedi funeral rites displayed after the death of Darth Vader, who is burned on a pyre at the end of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.

Normally, I have told my children to dump me into the Delaware River when I die – an absolutely true story – but I’m starting to warm up to a Missouri funeral pyre. Just burn me with a kick-ass lightsaber.

A Truly Awful Story

We joke about Florida and its citizens often here, but this story is no laughing matter. Meet Kara Hanvey, whose body was found dumped by Highway 92 in Florida. Police have no idea how she died. Kara was 22-years old.

A 22-year-old woman was found dead on the side of a Florida road, and now the sheriff is asking the public to help ascertain how she died.

Kara Hanvey of Sebring, Florida, was found lying on her back in the grass median on U.S. Highway 92 East in Lakeland at about 6:40 a.m. Sunday, the Polk County Sheriff’s Office said. She was pronounced dead at the scene.

The 22-year-old had “some minor trauma to her body and an apparent broken leg,” according to the sheriff’s office. Hanvey’s belongings were found nearby along the westbound shoulder of the road, according to the sheriff’s office.

Dumped on a highway median like a bag of garbage. What the hell is wrong with people?

Babu Bhatt Is Very Bad Man

A Pakistani bride was brutally beaten by her husband because she could not have sex with him. It’s not her fault, really; she was just cursed with a very narrow tunnel.

A newly married woman was beaten by her husband because her 2cm-long vagina prevented her from having sex with him, doctors have revealed.

The 20-year-old, from Pakistan, first discovered her issue while trying for a baby following an arranged marriage. She was left in severe pain and unable to have penetrative sex, which infuriated her new partner.

He beat and verbally abused her before sending her back to her parents to be treated, according to doctors writing in BMJ Case Reports.

You know, not for nothing, but a two centimeter vagina is like the Grand Canyon for lengthily-challenged men like myself.