Cape Rear

A jogger has been terrorizing a Colorado family for months by regularly taking a dump on their lawn.

A Colorado mom is losing her s—t over a mystery woman who’s been pooping outside her house at least once a week.

Cathy Budde, of Colorado Springs, said her kids caught the daring defecator mid-squat. But instead of cutting the crap, the woman — whom the Buddes have dubbed “The Mad Pooper” — has returned to do her business outside the family’s house for at least the past seven weeks, even though there’s a bathroom across the street.

Cops are just as dumbfounded. “I’ve been here 35 plus years and I’ve never experienced someone that has been defecating in the same area multiple times. It’s bizarre,” Lt. Howard Black told The Post.

The good news is the Budde family’s lawn never looked better!

Judging from the photos, the offender looks like a very attractive woman with an amazing body. Not exactly what I would have expected. One has to wonder, though, if she has no qualms about pooping in public, what are her bathroom habits at home?

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Mister President

President Trump addressed the farce which is the United Nations General Assembly yesterday, and his specch was one for the ages. When John “The Stache” Bolton is praising you, you definitely hit a home run.

“The problem in Venezuela is not that socialism has been poorly implemented, but that socialism has been faithfully implemented. (Applause) From the Soviet Union to Cuba to Venezuela, wherever true socialism or communism has been adopted, it has delivered anguish and devastation and failure.

“Those who preach the tenets of these discredited ideologies only contribute to the continued suffering of the people who live under these cruel systems. America stands with every person living under a brutal regime. Our respect for sovereignty is also a call for action. All people deserve a government that cares for their safety, their interests and their well-being, including their prosperity.”

There are times when the president disappoints me. Then there are times like these where the man is almost Reaganesque. One thing is for sure; you would never hear this speech from President Hillary.

Tainted Love

Officials in Monroe County, Pennsylvania are dealing with a sex scandal between the police department and the medical examiner’s office. Apparently, it was a case of interdepartmental cooperation.

Allegations about the Monroe County coroner’s office were laid out in recent court filings: Sex between a deputy coroner and a police officer at a death scene; an extramarital affair in the woods, carried out during working hours; and showing co-workers cellphone photos of a lover’s male genitalia.

The federal case filed Aug. 24 by former deputy coroner Lauren Fizz against the county, Allen, and his wife and top aide Kathleen “Traci” Allen said Traci Allen has essentially taken over the office, including decisions about hiring and firing. Traci Allen did not respond to a message seeking comment.

Fizz’s lawsuit said Traci Allen and an unnamed co-worker, described as “her deputy coroner paramour,” concocted a false story that Fizz “had had a sexual encounter with a police officer at a death scene in April 2016.”

That’s hot. In fairness, nothing makes a guy stiff like banging someone near a stiff.

Irma Victims Warned About ManBearPig

The Manatee County, Florida – obviously home to Rosie O’Donnell and Michael Moore – were caught without a sign language interpreter as Hurricane Irma approached.

Manatee County officials, in their infinite wisdom, decided to wing it. What could possibly go wrong?

For unknown reasons, Manatee County was not prepared to assist their deaf residents at a September 8 press conference held at the Manatee County Emergency Operations Center, in the days before Hurricane Irma’s arrival. Instead, officials used a county lifeguard, Marshall Greene, whose brother is deaf. Greene does not appear to actually be an interpreter.

Officials are now catching heat from deaf residents who watched the September 8 press conference about Hurricane Irma, which was forecast to hit the area just a few days after the broadcast.

Deaf residents said Greene signed “mostly gibberish”, referred to “pizza”, “bear monsters”, and said things like, “help you at that time to use bear big.”

I’ve had some exposure to sign language – besides random citizens giving me the finger as I leave work – and it is not an easy thing to master. That said, Garrett Morris would have been a better choice than this clown.

Report: Paul Manafort Was Wiretapped

Remember back in March when our betters in the media ripped President Trump for accusing King Putt of wiretapping Trump Tower? Six months later, Trump has been proved right. Again.

U.S. investigators wiretapped President Trump’s campaign chairman Paul Manafort, according to a report by CNN that vindicates the president’s earlier claims, which were mocked as a conspiracy theory. CNN itself at the time called the idea that Trump was wiretapped “incendiary.”

But a report Monday evening said U.S. investigators obtained a surveillance warrant on Manafort from a secret court and had monitored him before and after the election, including a “period when Manafort was known to talk to President Donald Trump.”

The report said the secret court that handles the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act had authorized a surveillance warrant against Manafort for an investigation that began in 2014, looking into his firm, the Podesta Group, and another firm’s lobbying work for Ukraine’s pro-Russian former ruling party.

Imagine if a Republican administration wiretapped a Democratic challenger immediately before an election. The MSM would be screaming bloody murder. But since Black Jesus was behind this – in my opinion, blatantly unconstitutional – move, we hear crickets. This entire business disgusts me.

Emily Blunt

Crazy stupid hot supermodel Emily Ratajkowski may be a moonbatty Bernie Sanders supporter, but she certainly knows what a guy wants. In this particular instance, guys want to see her bodacious ta-tas in all their natural glory; not airbrushed into oblivion.

The US model and actress Emily Ratajkowski has called out a French magazine for reducing her lips and breasts in a photograph for an interview which deals with the discrimination she says she has faced for “being too sexy.”

“I was extremely disappointed to see my lips and breasts altered in Photoshop on this cover,” the 26-year-old told her near 15 million followers on Instagram.

“There’s this thing that happens to me: ‘Oh, she’s too sexy’,” Ratajkowski was quoted in an interview with Harper’s Bazaar. “It’s like an anti-woman thing, that people don’t want to work with me because my boobs are too big. What’s wrong with boobs? They’re a beautiful feminine thing that needs to be celebrated.”

Harrumph! Harrumph! Harrumph! Hey, I didn’t get a “harrumph” out of that guy!

Madame Figaro’s cover image of Ratajkowski wearing a black leather beret and an open coat appeared to have been altered to thin her lips and lift and reduce the size of her breasts. (H/T – AOSHQ)

This, my friends, is a crime against humanity, and I demand the staff at Madame Figaro be brought before the U.N.’s International Court of Justice in shackles!

Caption Contest Winners

The Good Book Caption Contest has concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. Better fantasy than “Lord Of The Rings” or “Harry Potter” kids! Buy it today! – William
4. “Not for deplorables” – Kevin
3. “What Happened”? I inhaled. – Mike AKA Proof
2. Now with 50% more bullshit! – Toothy

WINNER! – “I am woman, hear me bitch, buy my book, make me rich!” – TXNick

Party Your Axe Off

A club which features axe throwing has just opened in Huntsville. Finally, a reason to visit Alabama which doesn’t involve NASCAR or moonshine!

Who wants to throw axes at the wall for fun and competition? Judging by how fast this new indoor sport is spreading, who doesn’t?

Now, Huntsville gets a chance at Civil Axe Throwing, a new club opening at the entertainment complex Campus 805.

The axes are more like hatchets in size, so you don’t have to be a lumberjack to throw one. The website says axe throwing is “perfect for birthday parties, bachelor/bachelorette parties or just a fun night out with friends.” There’s a league night, too.

This sounds awesome, until some drunken Auburn students stumble in and try splitting apples off their friends’ heads. Cleanup, aisle two!

Dallas : Texas In Name Only

The Dallas Independent School District has followed their fellow liberal indoctrination camps in the northeast by deciding to rename schools christened after evil, old, white men.

Dallas Independent School District included schools named after three of America’s Founding Fathers on a list of schools that the district is exploring renaming.

The DISD administration has already recommended renaming four schools named after Confederate generals, including Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson. The district is conducting additional research on whether to rename at least 20 other schools named after historical figures. The list of schools, posted by DISD board member Dustin Marshall on Facebook Saturday night, includes schools named after Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.

In fairness to the DISD, can anyone name one good thing Franklin, Jefferson, or Madison contributed to America? The answer is a resounding no.

These bastards are coming for George Washington next. Mark my words.

Arm-y Of None

Great fashion usually lies in the eye of the beholder. While Hugo Boss’ Nazi uniforms were faaaaabulous, Calvin Klein’s latest creation can arguably be considered a war crime.

Fashion brand Calvin Klein has released a sweater that appears to simply be a pair of sleeves.

The $1,650 “multicolor wool cheerleader sweater” features a semi-sheer stretch nylon and wool material that creates the illusion that the garment has no torso.

A thin line of blue contrast stitching along the side breaks the illusion, leading into off-white and blue rib knit sleeves seemingly floating in thin air. (H/T – AOSHQ)

Ironically, this model looks like he spends his weekends “floating in thin air.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that.