I’m A Sad Panda

This past two weeks have been a nightmare. I’ve been working the night shift, and have spent five days in court on a jury trial – where the D.A. eventually dropped all charges.

For the past three days I have been stuck in a classroom for our annual recertification. The fabulous classes ran the gamut from Legal Updates, to the FBI’s NIBRS training, to Sexual Harassment in the Workplace.

The last class was useless, because you can count the number of attractive Philly cops on one hand. /zing. I’ll rant about it anyway.

The instructor was a freshly-promoted lieutenant whose lecture was about as exciting as bread mold. He was obviously a company man, because he was not only way too into the topic, but also gleefully reminding us we’ll be suspended or fired if we’re found guilty of harassment. (The lieutenant seemed like the guy who talked shop to anyone who’d listen, and always wore a police t-shirt. A definite True Believer.)

As with most MPO classes, the subject was dry and boring. The scenarios were cookie cutter stories we’ve heard a million times, and afterward, the lieutenant cited examples not found in our information packet. To wit, the lieutenant actually said this with a straight face (I’m paraphrasing):

“You and a female partner are working a wagon or a two-person car, and you turn on the radio to a particular station. While driving, a rap song airs, and the song has sexually suggestive lyrics. You may be guilty of sexual harassment, even more so if you do not immediately turn off the radio.”

Some of the officers in the classroom laughed out loud, and I muttered – rather loudly – “Eh, what?”

One supervisor was especially randy after hearing this. “How do you figure, lieutenant? Did I write the lyrics? Am I singing them? What if my partner does not tell me she is offended?”

The lieutenant shot back, “She doesn’t have to tell you. When you hear the lyrics, it’s your duty to turn off the radio or change the channel.”

More raucous laughter.

The supervisor was not having it. “Okay, so say my partner and I are on a call, and we walk into a home with the same song playing. Do I order the homeowner to turn off the radio?”

Silence. The lieutenant had nothing, and he said he “would look into that.”

Ironically, I was sitting next to my sergeant, who is female, and even she said, “This guy – the lieutenant – is out of his damned mind.” Truer words were never spoken.

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Kevin’s Art

After my youngest son completed his school cookie recipe assignment, a few of you asked if I could post some of Kevin’s art. Kevin agreed, and here are a few artwork cutouts from South Park from last month.

Kevin completed (left to right) Kyle, Kenny, and Stan. He has not yet completed Eric Cartman, but I’m sure that’s on the way. I apologize for the background; that’s our ironing board, because the table was covered in laundry I need to fold.

On a side note, my coworkers at the time insisted I name Kevin Stan or Kenny, so I could have three of the four South Park kids.

Come One, Come All!

The web site Estately spanned the globe – or at least the country – to find the most lewd-sounding town names in every state. Pennsylvania comes in strong – heh, phrasing – with Intercourse.

You can check your own state’s names by clicking on the photo.

In order to make things right, we’ve created a new map using only the lewdest, most sexualized town names. To do this, we placed our minds in the gutter and spent days looking over detailed maps and scrutinizing the names of all cities, towns, and unincorporated communities for anything that sounded even remotely sexual or perverse. For the sake of time, we intentionally omitted natural features like Little Dick Lake in Minnesota, as well neighborhoods, such as Mianus in Connecticut.

In fairness, Little Dick Lake is probably so named because of the “shrinkage.”

The Joy Of Cola

Meet Matthew Anzaldi of, well, guess the state.

Matthew was driving down U.S. 1 in Sebastian, Florida, minding his own business when the po-po stopped him for apparently breaking the sound barrier.

Matthew Anzaldi, 25, of Merritt Island, was pulled over by an Indian River County Sheriff’s Office deputy.

According to a Sheriff’s Office report, Anzaldi was driving recklessly, going 80 mph and passing cars on the shoulder of U.S. 1. He said he was “thirsty” and wanted a “Pepsi.” Anzaldi also said he thought someone was chasing him and that he heard “bullets hitting his vehicle.”

The deputy noted that Anzaldi showed no signs of being impaired.

Oh, believe me, Matthew is impaired. Bigly.

Summer Rental

Meet New Zealand’s Peter Wilding. Peter suffered a horrific injury as a pre-teen and was unable to date for a long time. Peter’s now trying to make up for it by renting himself out for Valentine’s Day dates.

Peter advertised his date packages on a Taupo Noticeboard page on Facebook , where he shared eight date options for women plus two extras they could purchase. He wrote: “Valentine’s Day is 10 days away so it’s time to get booking! “Rent me for Valentine’s Day (I offer different packages) (prices negotiable).”

Peter will also let you pay him to have dinner with your parents – but he’ll charge more if he has to play with your younger siblings – and if that weren’t enough he’ll even pretend to be your boyfriend on Facebook for two whole weeks.

Eh, it’s not like he’s an ugly guy, and he said he would like it is he met a nice girl to date afterwards. Plus, he’s meeting ladies and making bank.

I wish I thought of this when I was young and attractive. You know, during that six-week span in 1987.

Anti-Semite Attacks U.S. Diplomat

Meet Islamic Representative Ilhan Omar of Minnesota.

Ilhan reportedly married her brother in an effort to award him U.S. citizenship, and while that may seem like a disgusting move, the two had a lot in common: like hating the Jews.

Omar, incredibly, was awarded a seat on the House Foreign Affairs Committee, and spent her Wednesday attacking U.S. diplomat Elliott Abrams.

It began with Omar addressing Abrams by the wrong name: Adams. She then brought up his involvement in the Iran-Contra deal, saying, “I fail to understand why members of this committee of the American people should find any testimony that you give today to be truthful.”

The freshman congresswoman went on to describe the El Mozote massacre — nearly 1,000 killed by U.S.-trained and equipped forces — and followed with a query as to whether Abrams still believed, as he had said in the past, that the U.S. policy regarding El Salvador was a “fabulous achievement.”

Omar [asked] specifically whether Abrams viewed the massacre as a “fabulous achievement.”

“That’s a ridiculous question!” Abrams fired back.

“Yes or no,” Ilhan demanded. Abrams threw up his hands and shook his head emphatically as he practically shouted, “No!”

“I will take that as a yes,” Omar responded.

Ironically, Omar would think the massacre of 1,000 Jews would be a thing to behold.

For the record, Elliott Abrams is Jewish, which explains why this despicable anti-Semite garbage attacked him in such an unprofessional way. Embrace your modern Democrats; the party of abortion on antisemitism.

Happy Birthday Kevin!

Today is my youngest son’s 11th birthday. Eleven years old already? How did this happen?

Kevin is, in a word, brilliant. All my children are smart – they take after mom – but Kevin has always been a little more intellectual. What he used to lack in social skills – Kevin was very quiet and shy in his first years at elementary school – he makes up for with raw talent. The boy can do anything. Kevin does karate – currently a red belt with a black stripe – takes ballroom dancing lessons, reads constantly, creates hilarious artwork, and makes videos with his stuffed animals. And these are legitimate, sometimes bizarre, videos of his stuffed animals committing tax fraud, jumping out of second floor windows, and so on.

When he’s not making us all laugh, he is the sweetest, most caring boy you’d ever want to meet. He is the greatest Valentine’s Day gift we could ever ask for.

Happy birthday, Kevin! We love you.

Thus ends the annual Earp Family Three Birthdays in Six Days event. Now I can work on lowering my skyrocketing sugar levels. Oh, there’s an example of Kevin’s artwork below. It’s from 2015; an oldie but a goodie…

Continue reading “Happy Birthday Kevin!”

Jersey Girl

A New Jersey woman went off her trolley this weekend after entering a convenience store, knocking items off shelves, then calmly walking to the register.

A bizarre customer meltdown captured on cellphone video shows a woman throwing bottles of beverages from fridges and sweeping items off shelves onto the floor before casually walking up to the cashier to try to pay for a bottle of Vitamin Water and a can of Pringles.

It’s not clear what sparked the meltdown inside the QuickChek convenience store at the Harrison Plaza Shopping Center on Bergen Street Friday morning. Employees tried to confront the woman as she marched through the aisle and swept her arm down the shelves, sending merchandise cascading onto the floor, video shows.

Wow. I only have one thing to say to this woman. Be my bride. BE MY BRIDE!

(You can see the video at the link above. Believe me, it’s worth your time.)

The GOPe Sold Us Out Again

Our betters in Congress are diligently working on screwing conservatives a border deal so they can avoid another government shutdown.

The committee tasked with negotiating the deal in order to avoid a second partial government shutdown announced that they had reached an “agreement in principle” Monday evening. The deal reportedly includes $1.375 billion for a physical border barrier (not including a concrete wall) and limits overall detention beds maintained by Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE).

So this awesome “bipartisan” deal gives the president $4 billion less than he asked, and the GOP establishment is crowing about what fantastic dealmakers they are? The dirtiest word is politics is “bipartisan,” because bipartisan deals rarely benefit the GOP.

Conservatives in Congress are already blasting the deal, noting that it falls well short of President Donald Trump’s requested $5.7 billion in funding for a physical barrier.

The cap on detention beds is also a sticking point for immigration hardliners, as ICE needs funding for beds in order to detain illegal border crossers while they undergo immigration proceedings. GOP aides familiar with the deal told The Washington Post that ICE would have enough funding to maintain current detention levels and to add more beds if needed.

The Democrats demanded the cap on beds because when all the beds are filled, the rest of the detained illegals are released into the wild. It’s win-win for them, and as always, the GOPe folded faster than Superman on laundry day.

One more thing, the Daily Caller is usually a great, accurate site, but my god, the author of this piece continually calls Reps. Jordan and Meadows “hardliners.” No sweetie, they’re conservatives. Just because there is a lack of them in the GOP doesn’t make them hardliners. Now go make me a sammich.

I sincerely hope the president doesn’t sign this piece of garbage, but I’m hearing he may. It would be a dreadful mistake.

BONUS: From Ace of Spades HQ, the former speechwriter for President Trump visited the southern border. You’re not going to like what he found.