An Explosive Development

A Washington, D.C. man was killed after he decided to place bottle rockets on his head and lit them during an Independence Day celebration.

Metropolitan Police released details Sunday afternoon about a man who died in a fireworks accident in Northwest Washington Friday night.

Investigators have identified the victim as 33-year-old Jose Tony Alvarez Umanzor of Northwest. Umanzor was holding a commercially made mortar firework above his head when the base of the object ejected downward after it was ignited.

Idiot, everyone knows you never launch fireworks off your skull without first placing flex tape on your melon. I mean, Phil Swift cut that boat in half and was cruiing on a lake minutes later!

CNN Hosts Mock Rising Violence

CNN talking heads Fredo Cuomo and Don Lemon – who was credibly accused of sexual assault – spent Tuesday mocking the “fake” skyrocketing crime rates in nation’s blue cities. Because, you know, that’s all a myth perpetrated by Orange Man Bad.

CNN opinion hosts Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo on Tuesday night mocked rising crime rates in major Democrat-controlled cities as President Donald Trump hammers the issue on the campaign trail.

Yeah, it was hilarious when that man in New York City was shot dead while walking his daughter down a street in broad daylight, amirite? Fucking clowns.

In voices mocking supposed story lines from conservative media organizations, the duo said:

Lemon: Yeah. “Democratic cities are in chaos right now. Is this what you want from Joe Biden? And they’re gonna take your country away. And they’re taking down the statues.”

Cuomo: “Crime is rising as they defund police!”

Lemon: “Crime is rising! … It’s so bad and they get defunding the police.”

Look, I know Cuomo and Lemon are low-IQ morons, but I figured I would explain what’s actually happening in my city. As of yesterday, we’ve tallied 214 homicides. That’s a 29% increase over last year. Our shootings are through the roof compared to 2019, and shooting incidents – shots fired where no one was struck – are also way up.

The primary reason for these increases are simple: leftist mayors and their Soros-appointed DA’s have been releasing most criminals, under-charging others, and giving shooters probation. (That has actually happened here.) They refused to charge/prosecute the rioters, released the looters, and have watched their cities devolve into chaos.

You don’t have to be a college graduate to realize this is a recipe for disaster.

People are being murdered in broad daylight in out nation’s big cities, and these two jackasses think it’s a joke.

Greg Louganis Would Be Proud

A chunky young woman almost received a well-deserved Darwin Award after she jumped off a rooftop into a pool.

A daredevil woman ended up with a painful reminder of her Fourth of July celebration, after attempting to leap from a rooftop into a pool – but slamming into a patio shelter on the way down.

The patio shelter is expected to make a full recovery.

Cellphone footage captures the heart-stopping moment that the woman and a male pal take a running jump from the top of the two-story house. But while the man manages a graceful plunge into the water below, the woman stumbles near the edge after not getting up enough speed.

Really? From the looks of her, I figured she ran the hundred in 4.3 seconds.

Her leg catches the edge of the shelter on her way to the ground she is flipped over before plunging headfirst into the pool.

The woman received a 7.5 from the U.S., England, and French judges, but the Soviets gave her a 3.0.

The video is at the link, and it’s high-freakin’-larious.

Under The Sea, You Can’t Accuse Me…

Leftists in Copenhagen, Denmark have directed their ire toward one of the most racist icons in their country: The Little Mermaid.

Denmark woke up on Friday to the words “racist fish” scrawled across the base of the “Little Mermaid,” the bronze statue honoring Hans Christian Andersen’s famous fairy tale that perches on a rock in the sea off a pier in Copenhagen.

Police said it had not yet identified the perpetrators. The 107-year-old sculpture, which is visited by 1 million tourists each year, has been vandalized before, including by anti-whaling campaigners and pro-democracy activists, twice suffering decapitation.

Technically, a mermaid is only part fish. It has the upper body of a female and the tail of a fish. So “racist fish” is not remotely accurate, unless the tail spends its day slapping only black stingrays and black killer whales. Seriously Denmark, what the f**k is the matter with you?

There’s a line in The Little Mermaid film which makes a lot of sense in 2020: “Ariel, listen to me. The human world is a mess. Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there.”

Desean Jackson Is A Racist Anti-Semite

Meet Desean Jackson, a terribly average NFL wide receiver, and a terrible human being. Jackson now plays for the Philadelphia Eagles, and like most players on that team, Jackson has a racist agenda.

Take a look at this POS…

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson has promoted Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan and conspiracy theories about Jewish people and the coronavirus vaccine to his 1.3 million followers on Instagram.

You see, the Jews’ Wuhan Virus vaccine is a secret plot to kill black and brown people. Minister Farrakhan said so, you guys!

Jackson repeatedly promoted Farrakhan, a notorious anti-Semite, and posted a page from a book that quotes Adolf Hitler and claims Jews are deceiving America from finding out that black people are “the real Children of Israel.”

So wait, Jackson is promoting two notable scholars? Farrakhan and Hitler? In that case, Jackson must be on to something.

“The[y] will extort America, their plan for world domination won’t work if the Negroes know who they were.”

So this low-IQ football player wants us to believe the Jews are trying to dominate the world with a Wuhan Virus vaccine, then immediately claimed anyone who thinks he has hate for the Jewish community “took my post the wrong way.” Go f**k yourself, clown.

The story broke around 10pm last night. As of 8:30 this morning, the major Philadelphia fish wrap has not printed a word of this despicable story on their website.

Goodbye Boulder Holders?

The Chinese Wuhan Virus has, at least temporarily, changed they way most of us live our lives. We’re re-calibrating our patterns and habits, as well as changing some things ingrained into our psyche. Some wwomen, in particular, have decided it’s time to eliminate the bra.

Lockdown has changed a lot of things about the way we present ourselves to the world, and for many women, ditching their bra has been a particularly popular one. “I just don’t see bras making a comeback after this,” tweeted the Buzzfeed writer Tomi Obaro in May. Her tweet has been “liked” more than half a million times. The feminist satire website Reductress ran a headline last week reading: “Bra furlough extended.”

Bras are often considered to be a necessary, but unwelcome, contraption.

Ay, there’s the rub. (Phrasing.) While I’m certain underwire bras are not comfortable – I’m more of a sports bra guy – this conundrum is a catch-22. Most guys would be all for 20-somethings going braless, but the flip side of that coin is watching your elderly 70-year old woman gardening in her tank top.

No. Thank. You.

Caption Contest Winners

The America, F**k Yeah! Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. Seconds later, the team regretted having the extra buttered popcorn… – Sully
4. A few seconds later, Michelle’s flatulence resulted in her catchers getting butterfingers. – TXNick
3. Try as they might, the Valley Girls Aeronautic and Space Administration was never quite able to launch Tiffany into a low earth orbit. – Mike AKA Proof
2. Still a better flight safety record than Boeing. – Okrahead

WINNER! – At Farmers, we’ve seen almost everything, so we know how to cover almost anything. – Ingineer66

Have Buns – Will Travel

A bevy of beautiful Japanese women had their tires slashed by an unknown person, and after they pulled off the road, a handsome stranger came to their rescue. It’s like Japanese Baywatch, with smaller boobs and less anime.

On 11 June, a 43-year-old woman exited a supermarket in Higashiura, Aichi Prefecture and drove away in her car. However, she didn’t get far before noticing that her driver’s side rear tire had gone completely flat.

While examining the flat another car drove up. The driver, 32-year-old Yoshito Harada, offered to replace her damaged tire. While a kind gesture from an apparently total stranger, the woman was struck with a sudden case of déjà vu. This is because the exact same thing had happened to her in June of the previous year.

Unsettled by the coincidence, she decided to report the encounter to the police who investigated the matter and found through surveillance camera footage that Harada had slashed her tire in the parking lot of the supermarket. He then followed her car until it pulled over so that he could be the first on the scene to offer help.

How very odd. There must be a logical explanation for this…

According to police, Harada admitted to the crime, saying that he did it in order to meet the woman.

Wow, that’s freakin’ brilliant! Release this man at once, so he may teach the rest of us the ways of the Samurai Slasher!

It’s Time To End This Sham

It has been nearly four months since the politicians shut down the country due to the Chinese Wuhan virus. Since that time, we’ve learned a lot about the virus, the mortality rate, and the left’s desire to continue the lockdown until November 4th. Stanford’s disease chairman is not stating the mortality rate for the Wu-Flu is between 0.05 and 0.3% for those under age seventy.

Stanford University’s disease prevention chairman slammed using statewide lockdown measures as a response to the coronavirus, saying they were implemented based on bad data and inaccurate modeling.

“There are already more than 50 studies that have presented results on how many people in different countries and locations have developed antibodies to the virus,” Dr. John Ioannidis said during a recent interview with Greek Reporter.

“Of course, none of these studies are perfect, but cumulatively, they provide useful composite evidence. A very crude estimate might suggest that about 150-300 million or more people have already been infected around the world, far more than the 10 million documented cases.”

Obviously if you’re seventy or over, or if you have health problems, by all means, wear a mask. That said, I think it’s patently obvious this virus is not the Armageddon event the media has been claiming.

Ioannidis pointed out the mortality rate is low among young people who have contracted the virus.

“The death rate in a given country depends a lot on the age structure, who are the people infected, and how they are managed,” Ioannidis said. “For people younger than 45, the infection fatality rate is almost 0%. For 45 to 70, it is probably about 0.05%-0.3%. For those above 70, it escalates substantially.”

If 2020 was not an election year, the Wuhan Virus hysteria would have ended in April and everyone would be living their lives again. (Remember, no one in the media ever discusses flu deaths in America. Ever.) It’s high time people put the politics aside and start opening up the economy before it;s too late.

Hands Up, Don’t Scoot

When I drove out to Texas to bring Kyle home from school, I drove through some really nice states. Arkansas was one of them, and I was surprised hos nice it looked. Lots of farmland, cows, horses, etc., it just was a beautiful state.

Little Rock, however? Eh, not so much.

Meet Michael Brown of Little Rock. Michael likes his pizza, especially large portions. When Mikey doesn’t get his way, however, he starts popping off.

According to a Little Rock Police Department report, after Brown and a female acquaintance placed an order, Brown “became upset about the portion size of the order.” Specifically, Brown thought he was shorted on his pizza’s toppings.

When Brown asked to speak with a manager, worker Eboni Smith called her supervisor and handed the phone to Brown. Brown subsequently “threw the phone at Ms. Smith striking her on the side of the face.”

Uh oh, we got a Karen here!

Brown retreated to his work van and “walked back to the business holding a gun.” Brown was unable to enter the pizzeria since a worker had locked the front door. Unable to gain entry, Brown “shot out the glass to the front door,” cops charge.

Wait, it gets much, much better…

Brown then drove away from the restaurant in a white van carrying the name of his drain cleaning business and the firm’s 800 number. (H/TMis. Hum. @ AOSHQ)

Wow Michael, looks like that high school education really paid off.