You Can Care About Nevada Again

The governor of Nevada has decided to reopen the state’s brothels, claiming the local politicians haven’t had a rub-and-tug since March of 2020. Looking at you, Harry Reid.

Nevada brothels have started to reopen, with counties that allow legal sex work resuming operation after Gov. Steve Sisolak devolved responsibility of some coronavirus guidance to individual counties on May 1.

The state legalized prostitution in brothels, but only certain counties allow brothels within their borders: State law bans brothels in counties that have more than 700,000 inhabitants.

Sex workers struggled to support themselves after businesses closed down during the pandemic and are eager to return to work – even with precautions in place.

“I’m really excited,” Alice Little, a sex worker, told The Nevada Independent. “It’s well overdue. I’m so eager to be back in that space, to be able to see people again.”

Believe me, Alice; there are plenty of guys who want to be in your space, too.

Trouble In The Beltway

Meet Adrian Varner of Monroe, Louisiana.

Adrian did not appreciate the way her 12-year old daughter was acting, so she decided to whoop her daughter’s ass with a belt. Then things just got weird, even for Louisiana.

According to a probable cause affidavit, Varner recorded video of herself striking her child “with a belt several times” and then posted the clip to Instagram.

The beating, which apparently was some kind of disciplinary measure, left the girl with “visible bruising to her right arm and right thigh areas.”

After being read her rights, Varner, seen at right, was questioned about striking her child and reportedly admitted to “beating her motherfucking ass and embarrassing her on Instagram.”

Well, at least her heart is in the right place. I mean, let him who is without sin grab the nearest belt and slap the first ass.

True Detective Stories

There is a theorem among certain circles which claims female police officers are somewhat less capable of doing the job than men. In nearly twenty-seven years in law enforcement, I can honestly say this is partially true. Yes, there plenty of useless sacks of protoplasm. The pretty girls who spend a week in patrol before being transferred to some captain’s staff, or the whiny bitches who refuse to handle a job without backup. Or the badge bunnies who sleep their way to a cushy daywork, weekends off spot.

There are also some smart, tough, hardcore female police officers in my department; people who I have called friends. They do the job and do it well, and have no compunction about getting their hands dirty.

The female officers in this story are nothing like the latter.

So Frick and Frack called the division around 5:30pm Tuesday. Unfortunately, I picked up the phone and had to suffer through the idiocy. Frick stated she and Frack stopped a vehicle and they recovered a firearm. The offender stated he applied for a Permit to Carry, so Frick wanted me of all people to run the permit through the system… because apparently I work for these two bints.

“You do know you can run it through your Mobile Data Terminal in your car, right? Of you could also call the Gun Permits Unit, and they would tell you right away.”…

Florida Jumps The Shark

A Florida high school student and her mother are being charged for – get this – rigging an election for homecoming queen. And you thought you were mad after the 2020 presidential election?

Emily Rose Grover was still 17 when she was arrested in March. She turned 18 in April, and the State Attorney’s Office in Escambia County confirmed Tuesday that Grover will be tried as an adult. Grover and her mother, Laura Rose Carroll, 50, face multiple felony charges stemming from the October homecoming vote at Tate High School in Pensacola.

This is a joke, right? I mean, police officers cannot possibly be investigating an “election” which literally means nothing, right? Has Florida wiped out crime in their state?

While employed as an assistant principal at Bellview Elementary School in the same county, Carroll accessed the school district’s internal system to cast fraudulent votes for her daughter so that she would win, officials said. The investigation began in November when the Escambia County School District reported unauthorized access into hundreds of student accounts, according to the Florida Department of Law Enforcement.

Investigators found that in October, hundreds of votes for the school’s homecoming court were flagged as fraudulent, the news release said. There were 117 votes from the same IP address within a short period of time, the investigation found.

I’m not sure which is more egregious; the fact Florida spent valuable police resources to lock up someone for homecoming fraud, or the fact that we can order up a high school homecoming investigation, but we cannot investigate the rampant 2020 election fraud.

Illegitimate POTUS Is Pushing Vaccines

The illegitimate president is ramping up his push for Covid vaccinations, and he is expecting 160 million Americans to get the vaccine before July 4th. The illegitimate president hilariously claimed he would “cancel July 4th” if the rubes don’t get the sketchy vaccine.

President Joe Biden announced a new vaccination goal on Tuesday while providing an update on the pandemic, aiming for 160 million U.S. adults to be fully inoculated against coronavirus by July 4. According to federal data, over 105 million Americans, or nearly 32% of the population, are now fully vaccinated.

My guess is most of those who were vaccinated are high-risk patients, which is a good thing.

In a bid to meet the new goal, the president is also directing tens of thousands of pharmacies in the federal pharmacy program to offer walk-in appointments, while federal resources will also be used to support more pop-up clinics and smaller community vaccination sites, as well as additional mobile clinics.

Is this really a smart use of federal resources while the southern border is wide open?

In an effort to increase vaccinations among those living in rural communities, where vaccine hesitancy has proved to be a major hurdle since the rollout began, the president will also direct new allocations of the vaccine to be sent to rural health clinics across the country.

Look, I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but why is Biden so hell-bent on getting every American vaccinated? Most healthy kids aren’t affected, and a majority of adults who get it – like me – have an infinitesimal chance of dying from the virus.

Also, to be honest, the vaccine was rushed out quickly and no one knows what, if any, side effects will sprout up a year or so down the road. Thanks to the antibodies, I’m good until at least July, but I have no desire to get vaccinated this soon.

A New Day Is Upon Us

With the recent posts about Erik, Kevin, and Princess P, you may be wondering what happened to Kyle, my oldest. After graduating high school, Kyle spent a year at the University of Dallas. He enjoyed the city, the people, and his friends, but the academics were brutal.

Kyle was always a smart, good student, and spent high school in honors classes. He took Latin in freshman year for crying out loud. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem to carry over in Dallas. We knew it was a very good school, but Kyle had trouble most of the year. After a certain religion class, he texted me, “I’ve had religion classes for ten years, and I never heard about anything this guy is teaching.”

Covid struck in March 2020, and the school closed for the rest of the year. I drove to Dallas to pick him up, and we drove home. During the trip, he finally said, “I don’t want to go back.” I told him to finish out the year and then we would accept his decision. When the year ended, he was adamant about not going back…

Don’t Rock The Boat, Baby

A Florida man suffered serious injuries after his jet ski struck a boat while he was traveling on the water at a high speed. You see, the “jet” part is right there in the name, people!

According to the Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office, David Steffano, 56, was operating a 28-foot Chaparral Bowrider traveling eastbound alongside the Dunedin Causeway, with five passengers on board, when he saw someone on a personal watercraft traveling north to south at a high rate of speed.

Steffano said he thought the personal watercraft would travel behind his vessel. Due to heavy water traffic, Steffano said he turned his attention to the port side of his boat and that’s when the personal watercraft struck the rear of his vessel throwing Jose Rivera-Reyes into the water.

Steffano told deputies he immediately stopped his boat, helped Rivera-Reyes out of the water and called 911.

Personally, I think jet skis look like a lot of fun, but the second you fall off, you’re shark bait. I’m not a fan of sharks. In any measure. At all.

True Detective Stories

Allow me to beguile you with a tale. It’s a sordid story emanating from the big city, where one man was stabbed and another man was interrogated.

While both men are the focus of the investigation, another man is the subject of this story. In this case, that person is a slow, dim-witted man the big city thought was worthy enough to wear a badge. Let’s call him Barney.

Barney is a member of the new breed of super cops; the kind of officers who take two hour lunches, pull over vehicles for sliding through a stop sign, and whine when they don’t get their way. In other words, the kind of cops everyone hates. But I digress.

Shortly after I walked into the division, I received a call from a sergeant claiming they had a stabbing victim outside a residence. The victim was stabbed multiple times in the torso and the arm, and collapsed on the sidewalk while fleeing his attacker. He was transported to the hospital and his last condition was critical.

The only other man in the residence was detained for questioning, and since he had several prior arrests, he knew the game. The suspect spent the entire time either lying or refusing to answer. Par for the course in the big city.

The suspect – who we believe was the attacker – was brought in by Barney, uncuffed, and virtually unguarded. The current policy is no one is brought upstairs because of Covid, but Barney is special, and brought him right up. The sergeant, to his credit, immediately told him to take the suspect downstairs… and that’s when Barney showed his true colors. “I’m day work. I’m supposed to be leaving soon.”

The sergeant was having none of it. “I understand that, but right now you need to take that person downstairs.”

An American Werewolf In Italy

A 64-year old American man was arrested in Sicily after his private jet was checked for contraband. Unfortunately for the American, police found weapons and narcotics.

Patrick Joseph Horan, 64, told police he was visiting relatives on the Italian island when he landed on Friday, according to news agency Ansa.

But a check carried out on the aircraft was said to have uncovered guns, bows and arrows and 1kg (35oz) of marijuana.

You’d think Sicily would be more amenable to such items. Have movies been lying to me all this time?

The items were reportedly seized and Mr Horan was taken away for questioning. They said weapons – including two pistols, a rifle and ammunition – had been placed in boxes while the drugs were sealed in plastic bags and water bottles.

Sadly, the guns and drugs disappeared shortly after being placed into the property room. The security cameras allegedly overheard a husky voice say, “Yeah, you didn’t see nothin’.”

Caption Contest Winners

The He’s Got Wood Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. ACME Corporation product testing… – Sully
4. Deep State Republican Leadership dealing with Mainstream America – Rural Counsel
3. Diego the idiot carpenter. – Okrahead
2. All those Saturday mornings spent watching Roadrunner cartoons is about to pay off! – Mike AKA Proof

WINNER! – Visual representation of the Biden stimulus deal. – Jim