Sunday Services

In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by my audience, you haven’t, the World Cup is underway in Russia. We here at the Earp Ranch are watching with great interest. Kyle is cheering for Brazil, Erik for Argentina, and the rest of us for Germany. I figured it’s appropriate to feature some of the players competing in the tournament.

Birkir Bjarnason (above) is a midfielder from Iceland, who also plays for Aston Villa in England. Britain’s Daily Mail deemed him “the world’s hottest Viking.”

Next up is Ramadan Sobhi of Egypt. When the midfielder isn’t playing for his national team, he plays for Huddersfield Town in England’s Premier League. As you can see, Ramadan takes very good care of himself.

Finally, we have Swiss goaltender Yann Sommer. Yann is representing a very good Swiss team in Russia, and also plays for Borussia Mönchengladbach in the German Bundesliga.

The services have ended. You may now go in peace.

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Florida Cops Don’t Meth Around

Meet Douglas Kelly, a resident of our favorite state.

Dougie works very hard for his money, so when he makes a big purchase, he wants to make sure he doesn’t get ripped off. Thankfully, Douglas occasionally asks law enforcement professionals for guidance.

Douglas Kelly, a 49-year-old man from Florida, called the police and told them he had a bad reaction to some meth he purchased and smoked from a dealer. He asked the Putnam County Sheriff’s office if they would test the drugs for him and make sure he hadn’t been sold some other narcotic than meth, stating he would press charges on the dealer if that was the case.

Police told Kelly if he came to the sheriff’s office, they would run the tests for him.

“Kelly drove to the sheriff’s office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil. The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.”

Police arrested Kelly on possession of meth. They walked him to the Putnam County Jail, where he was held on $5,000 bond. (H/T – MelP)

If you, like me, are now dumber for having read this story, please forward your complaints to MelP.

True Detective Stories

Thursday was an interesting tour. We ended the day with seven people shot, including four people at one location. Earlier in the day, we had the extraordinary pleasure of meeting a woman who told the most incredible story of all time.

And by “incredible,” I mean absolutely, provably not credible.

The middle-aged woman comes to the district window downstairs to make a robbery report. The woman claimed, get this, she was robbed in April, and just decided to report the crime Thursday – two months after the alleged incident.

Wait, it gets better.

The woman claimed she received a check from a lawsuit for $15,000, and instead of cashing it at, say, a bank, this MENSA member took it to a check cashing place in the ‘hood. Einstein claims the check cashing place gave her FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS CASH from the check, placed it into an envelope and sent her on her merry way.

So, the woman was just walking down the street minding her own bidness, when an unknown black male approached her, pulled out a handgun, and took the $15,000. Interestingly, the alleged robber did not take the woman’s cell phone, wallet, or credit cards; just the cash.

When asked if she could provide a description of this dastardly offender, she replied, “He was a black male with a ski mask on.” Wow, that is out-f**king-standing!

The assigned detective assured this bullshitter victim that we would have top men working on her case right now. Top. Men.

What A Hammerhead

Meet Magan Gumbus.

Magan, if that is her real name, is a loving, caring mother devoted to her chidrens. She only wants the best for her family, and when they’re slighted, Magan turns into a tool.

Surveillance cameras from inside a Nicolet High School bus in Glendale captured the wild scene, which took place in April after a woman learned that her daughter had just been in a fight with another girl.

The video shows a girl in an olive shirt walk up to another girl in pink and throw a punch. The girl in the pink hits back and the two continue to exchange blows for more than a minute. Both girls then called their mothers to tell them what happened.

While still on the route near Mill Road and Willow Glen Court in Glendale, video shows a car swerve in front of the bus. Police later identified the woman behind the wheel as the mother of one of the girls, 33-year-old Magan Gumbus.

Gumbus allegedly walked up to the bus with a hammer and started banging on the door. Gumbus cut off the bus again – and banged the hammer a second time, causing the glass to break.

Good grief, if you want to get revenge on schoolchildren, you don’t break out bus windows, you stuff a banana in the vehicle’s tailpipe!

Weekend Caption Contest

Lean On Me Caption Contest
(Source: Angela Merkel – Instagram)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted on Monday, June 18th.

Original Caption: A handout photograph from the German government shows a group of leaders at the Group of Seven summit, including German Chancellor Angela Merkel and President Trump, in Canada on June 9, 2018. Jesco Denzel—EPA-EFE

The FBI: Corruptus In Extremis

The long-awaited Inspector General’s report was officially released yesterday, and it is a damning indictment of the FBI’s corruption, and the corruption of its leadership and its agents.

An FBI agent who worked on the special counsel’s Russia probe texted another investigator in August 2016 that “We’ll stop” Donald Trump from getting elected president, according to Thursday’s watchdog report on the FBI’s investigation of Hillary Clinton’s private email server.

Strzok, who worked in a senior role on the Clinton email investigation before joining the staff of the special counsel, reportedly wrote to Page, an attorney, that the two would stop the president from being elected.

“[Trump is] not ever going to become president, right? Right?!” Page, who also worked on Mueller’s staff, responded.

“No. No he won’t. We’ll stop it,” Strzok texted back.

Agents within the Bureau knew Hillary Clinton was guilty, and possessed evidence to back up the claims. Instead of conducting a full investigation, they covered up the crimes and whitewashed the entire incident. Don’t believe me? Read the evidence in the agents’ own words…

Speaking of Hillary, guess who infiltrated her emails?

“Foreign actors” obtained access to some of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s emails — including at least one email classified as “secret” — according to a new memo from two GOP-led House committees and an internal FBI email.

One of the local talk show hosts made a brilliant point; thank god Donald Trump won the presidency, because had he lost, we would never know how corrupt the FBI has become, from top to bottom. Hillary’s loss illuminated this scandal, which effectively taints the Mueller investigation, and all the “evidence” which sprung from it.

Many conservative talking heads are continually saying the FBI hierarchy is corrupt, but the rank and file are hard working professionals who respect the Constitution. That’s bullshit. Where were these “professionals” when these crimes were being committed? When were these professionals banging on the doors of Congress demanding to be heard? (And no, that lone report claiming agents wanted to testify was little more than cover.) To wit…

A bombshell inspector general report released Thursday revealed that several FBI employees improperly received gifts from reporters, in connection with possible leaks of sensitive information.

Although public details of these exchanges are scant, they could constitute prosecutable violations of federal gift-giving rules.

The gifts in question included “tickets to sporting events, golfing outings, drinks and meals, and admittance to nonpublic social events.”

I’ll go where the talking heads won’t: in my opinion, every member of the FBI, from the director to the clerk typist is guilty of either bias, corruption, or both. I will hold that stance until individual agents prove me wrong. I won’t hold my breath.

Driving This Crazy

A Michigan man made fast friends with his local police department after leading officers on a prolonged, drunken pursuit.

Officers from the Sumpter Township Police Department responded to a report of an intoxicated motorist at 9:45 p.m., Monday June 11, in the area of Sumpter Road near Willow Road. When they spotted the vehicle it fled southbound.

The fleeing motorist, a 44-year-old Allen Park man, crossed into Washtenaw County, where he fired at the pursuing officers at least five times. The pursuit continued until it reached the city of Milan border, south of Ann Arbor, where the driver “doubled back” and crashed into a patrol car.

The man was arrested and taken to the Wayne County Jail to await charges. Five firearms and several thousands of rounds of ammunition were recovered from the man’s vehicle.

The guns and ammo are easily explained away; dude just wanted to make sure the local Tim Horton’s got his breakfast order right.

Eww De Musc

While I have never been much of a bourbon/whiskey fan – me and whiskey no longer hang – I would definitely go cold beaver after reading about this, um, interesting flavor.

Whiskey’s not for everyone. Some prefer beer, others prefer booze that tastes like soda (Coca-Cola is making alcohol now after all). But maybe what we’re all really looking for is liquor flavored with the secretions of semiaquatic mammals. How can we know until we’ve tried?

And now we can try: Tamworth Distilling and Mercantile is releasing a limited-edition beaver whiskey called Eau de Musc (“Water of Musk”). Basically, it’s 88-proof two-year-aged bourbon whiskey infused with castoreum. What’s castoreum? Keep an open mind here: It’s the oil in the beaver’s castor sacs, just below that delightfully flat tail. It’s partially used to mark territory.

Which of us wouldn’t want to end a stressful day with a beautiful sunset, a tasty cigar, and bourbon created with a beaver’s anal secretions?

Obligatory clip below the fold…

Congratulations, Erik!

Erik, the kid who basically grow up on my blogs, celebrated his eighth grade graduation last night.

Erik is arguably our most gifted child. The boy excels in both his studies – he usually earns at least second honors at the end of every quarter – and in sports – Erik has done well in soccer, track and field, and lacrosse. He will be following in Kyle’s footsteps and attending Father Judge High School, where he will be following Kyle again on the lacrosse team.

The mass and subsequent ceremony were lovely. Erik and the five other eighth graders from the band – three female violinists, Eric (clarinet), Jomal (trombone) and my Erik on drums – played during Communion. While he didn’t win a scholarship, he did receive the Charles Canuso Award, “awarded for great effort in all subjects.”

The award also came with a $25 check. Score!

It’s a bittersweet time for Erik, because some of his friends are attending other schools, and Father Judge is an all-boys institution, so he won’t see his female friends much anymore. Thankfully, he is friends with most of his classmates on Instagram, so they will keep in touch…

Erik’s eight grade dance was held Tuesday night on the Spirit of Philadelphia; a small ship which cruises the Delaware River. His crew, Aaron, Eric, James, Erik, and Jomal (below), was dressed for bear.

While I was worried Erik would be a wallflower, apparently he mingled with boys and girls, and even took a picture with one of his favorite classmates, a very nice, crazy cute girl named Regan. Erik and his crew spent the night eating, laughing, and dancing.

And speaking of, Erik was challenged to a dance-off by a kid from another school. For some reason, the kid has a $100 bill and stated he would put it up when he lost. Erik obviously doesn’t carry $100 bills around – neither does his parents – but he danced anyway. Both the boys and girls judged Erik the winner, but the kid left without ponying up the $100 bill.

Oh well, at least he impressed the ladies.

Florida Man Rakes In The Dough

Meet Maurice Castanedo of Florida.

Maurice takes good care of his body, which is why he chooses to commit crimes in the nude.

Maurice Castanedo was arrested on a charge of burglary with aggravated battery. The residents called to report that an unknown naked man had broken into the house.

Castanedo either opened or climbed over the back gate and then went through an unlocked door to enter the residence.

A resident threw Castanedo out of the home. Castanedo grabbed a rake and struck the resident several times, inflicting “minor” puncture wounds and breaking the rake into pieces.

The occupant then took a hammer from their pick-up truck, chased Castanedo down the driveway and struck him three times.

There are three truisms in life: rock beats scissors, scissors cuts paper, and hammer beats naked dumbass burglar.