Complete And Utter Nunsense

The world’s greatest director is about to outdo himself yet again. If you, like me, believe Basic Instinct was an American classic, hold on to your hats. Or in this case, your habits.

“Basic Instinct” director Paul Verhoeven is making a film about a lesbian nun with miraculous powers who falls in love with another sister.

The veteran Dutch film-maker is working on a drama called the “Blessed Virgin.” The producers said it is based on the life of 17th-century Italian nun Benedetta Carlini, who caused a sensation when she claimed to see visions of Jesus Christ.

If my statistics are correct, the pr0n industry has gone down this road exactly 16,954 times already – and the scripts have been exponentially better than anything Verhoeven can churn out.

Ann Of Mean Labels

In a truly pathetic move, conservative pundit Ann Coulter canceled today’s speech, which was to be held at UC Berkely, claiming her supporters at the liberal indoctrination camp lost their spines. Now conservatives are planning a rally/march for free speech. Guess how the media is covering this event?

Following the cancellation of the Ann Coulter speech at University of California, Berkeley, far-right supporters plan to hold a rally Thursday to denounce what they claim is the attempted silencing of their conservative views, stoking fears of another violent encounter with far-left groups.

UC Police said it was preparing for violence Thursday between militant factions on both sides, even as the speech by the conservative firebrand Coulter was canceled over fears of violence.

Bullshit. The Berkeley violence has always been initiated by the snowflake protesters. The fact conservatives are fighting back does not make them a militant faction.

Gavin McInnes, founder of the pro-Trump “Proud Boys,” said he would fly to Berkeley to speak Thursday and was encouraging other alt-right forces to make a large appearance at the gathering, scheduled for 2:00 p.m. at Civic Center Park.

I’m not a McInnes expert, but labeling him a member of the “alt-right forces” is an intellectually dishonest endeavor. McInnes is a conservative – an outspoken one – but lumping him with the alleged “alt-right” Nazis and white supremacists is simply more bullshit.

Sadly, that is what’s become of the media in this country. Anyone who disagrees with their ideology is a Nazi, a bigot, or an “alt-right” fascist.

Sculpt This Man Onto Mount Lushmore!

A South Dakota man was arrested after pushing through police officers and firefighters to make a dramatic rescue from a burning building.

Michael Anthony Casteel faces one count of obstructing law enforcement and one count of obstructing a firefighter for the incident, which occurred Sunday.

The Sioux Falls police and fire departments responded to a fire at a multifamily residence. Two people were treated for smoke inhalation and released at the scene and a third was taken to the hospital for smoke inhalation and burns.

But Casteel, who had registered .082 on a preliminary breath test, went back into the building to retrieve two cans of Bud Ice Premium beer. (H/T – Jim F.)

Wait a minute; Casteel risked his life for Bud Ice Premium? Dude, that is totally worth it! I hope he sues these (probably) racist cops for wrongful arrest…

Continue reading “Sculpt This Man Onto Mount Lushmore!”

The Jolly Bengali

Meet Motaparthi Vamshi Krishna (common spelling). Motaparthi likes ta parthi with random women who are not his wife. Unfortunately, Motaparthi doesn’t have much “game,” is a terrible liar, and is too stupid to think of good excuses. In the rare event he needs a quick lie, it blows up in his face.

Motaparthi Vamshi Krishna, 32, of Hyderabad, India, had been having an affair with a woman from Chennai in the south-eastern state of Tamil Nadu.

She had made him agree to take her on holiday to the state of Goa on the western coast but he didn’t want to go. So he created a new email address and used it to tell airport authorities that he had heard a group of men discussing a hijack plot.

Aiming to disrupt flights into Chennai, Mumbai and Hyderabad, he said he had heard six men talking in a restaurant, planning to hijack flights at those airports.

Police traced the origin of the email using Vamshi’s IP address, and arrested him at his home in the Miyapur area of Hyderabad.

So Apu didn’t realize the police could track his IP address, but Verizon wants me to continue holding for my Indian IT assistant? Wait, is that racist? Eh, it’s not like he’s going to bee able to sue me from prison.

Keep Your Eye On The Balls

A Florida woman – of course – has created the perfect makeup applicator. It’s warm, comfortable, and portable.

It may also be hairy.

The eternal search for the latest cosmetic secret just took a really weird turn.

Video of a Florida woman using her boyfriend’s testicles as a beauty blender has gone viral because, well, it is nuts. Johanna Hines posted the clip on Twitter Saturday, and now we could be looking at gonads as a revolutionary leap in makeup application.

“To be honest, it worked surprisingly well,” Hines said. “I obviously only did it on my forehead but I didn’t even need to fix it after with a beauty blender or anything so it’s safe to say it worked successfully.”

To spare you from watching the video at the link – trust me, you can never unsee it – Hines applies makeup to her forehead, then Skippy the Wonder Sack spreads it evenly across Hines’ face.

Emmanuel’s Folly

Meet Emmanuel Folly. Emmanuel is a Philadelphia police officer who is about to embark on a new career… as prisoner THX-1138.

Emmanuel Folly, a three-year veteran assigned to the 18th District in West Philadelphia, surrendered to Internal Affairs investigators on Tuesday and was charged with sexual abuse of children, possession of child pornography, and dissemination of child pornography. Folly was in custody Tuesday night and could not be reached for comment.

Commissioner Richard Ross suspended Folly for 30 days with intent to dismiss.

Folly also is a professional boxer with an undefeated record.

Those talents will serve him well in prison. This despicable story is leading the day’s posts because detritus like Folly makes policing more difficult for the rest of us. It is my sincere hope this dicktrap spends the rest of his days spooning with a hairy 360-pound white supremacist.

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Hockey fans are not like other fans; especially in Pennsylvania.

The Erie Otters are in the middle of the OHL playoffs, and the team’s marketing geniuses thought it a good idea to distribute cowbells to their fans. The geniuses chose… poorly.

The Erie Otters handed out cowbells to fans as part of a giveaway Tuesday at Game 7 of the OHL’s Western Conference semifinals against the London Knights, and the team has previously sold cowbells branded with the team’s logos.

The cowbells were intended as noise-making instruments, but they became a safety hazard when Otters fans threw dozens of cowbells onto the ice while the Otters were celebrating their victory. Both teams were still on the ice as cowbells rained down on them.

More than one player had his bell rung that night. I guess it could be worse; the Otters could have done this in the 70’s when hockey players weren’t wearing helmets.

Continue reading “For Whom The Bell Tolls”

The Mirror Has Dog Faces

Vanity Fair published an interesting piece about America’s Sweetheart Chelsea Clinton. What makes the article interesting is its lack of puffiness; the author is not impressed with the new, outspoken Chelsea Clinton. Nor am I.

Amid investigations into Russian election interference, perhaps we ought to consider whether the Kremlin, to hurt Democrats, helped put Chelsea Clinton on the cover of Variety. Or maybe superstition explains it. Like tribesmen laying out a sacrifice to placate King Kong, news outlets continue to make offerings to the Clinton gods. In The New York Times alone, Chelsea has starred in multiple features over the past few months: for her tweeting (it’s become “feisty”), for her upcoming book (to be titled She Persisted), and her reading habits. The puff pieces in other outlets—Elle, People, etc.—are too numerous to count.

Every liberal media outlet in the nation is trying to make Chelsea “a thing” now, and I am absolutely perplexed as to why. Chelsea has less charisma than her mother, but a much larger entitlement attitude.

Chelsea, people were quietly starting to observe, had a tendency to talk a lot, and at length, not least about Chelsea. But you couldn’t interrupt, not even if you’re on TV at NBC, where she was earning $600,000 a year at the time. “When you are with Chelsea, you really need to allow her to finish,” one of Clinton’s segment producers at NBC, told Vogue. “She’s not used to being interrupted that way.”

Sounds perfect for a dating profile: I speak at length, and you really need to let me finish. I’m not used to interruptions.

In short, she is the (literal) spitting image of her mother; which is exactly what America needs at its helm right now, amirite?

You can read the complete article at the link. I’d recommend it, if only because T.A. Frank was most likely fired, drawn, and quartered moments after filing the article.

Days Of Blunder

During yesterday’s Caption Contest Winners post, Mike AKA Proof noticed I listed five entries but typed “Top Three Entries.” I noted I was having a terrible, awful, no good day, so I figured I’d take a moment to – like Clarissa – explain it all.

Every Spring I suffer through severe vertigo. My neurologist believes if has something to do with the pollen count, and my allergic reactions. It throws off my equilibrium, and I’ve been staggering around the office all day. Better yet, my sergeant was walking behind me as I was bracing myself against the hall, and when my lieutenant walked by, the sergeant quipped, “He’s been drinking all day, boss.” Thanks, dude. Really.

Halfway through the day, Mrs. Earp sends me a text message stating the team bus left school for their lacrosse game without Kyle. Apparently no one took a head count, so they just left. Now maybe it’s just me, but in two decades of coaching, I have always – ALWAYS – taken roll before the bus pulled out. I immediately sent a text to the head coach – who I am starting to dislike more every day – asking him to wait a minute for Kyle, and ten minutes later he responds with, “Oh, we’re already on the road.”


Continue reading “Days Of Blunder”

Caption Contest Winners

Bernie Screams For Ice Cream Caption Contest has now concluded.

Top Five Entries:
5. “After you try my ice cream you’ll know why I call it.. Bernie you a new asshole….Peace out bitches.” – Kevin
4. Ben and Jerry’s introduce their new flavor “Old Comu-Nuts” – Jim
3. B&J introduce their newest ice-cold confection (initally The Cold Bern), The Dicksickle. – Toothy
2. Ben & Jerry’s introduces their latest flavor: crazy fruit, surrounded by tiny shriveled up nuts and 1 big nut in the center. Also, the main ingredient is curdled milk. – MelP

WINNER! – Ben and Jerry’s…now with more nuts! – Proof