Uh Oh, SpaghettiOs!

Meet Shadae Miranda of Flori-Duh.

Shadae is an emotional, caring woman who simply wants the best for her and her boyfriend during these difficult, trying times. Sometimes, however, Shadae has to put the pedal to the metal.

According to an arrest affidavit, the victim told police that after arriving “home from the hospital” Saturday afternoon he got into a verbal argument with Shadae Miranda. The victim and Miranda, 30, were sharing a room at a Travel Inn motel in Fort Pierce.

The man told cops that he sought to deescalate the situation by gathering some of his belongings and stepping outside, where he ended up sitting in a lawn chair. Miranda, cops allege, began striking the victim while he was still inside the room.

As the man lounged outside, Miranda allegedly struck him in the head with a “15.6 ounce metal can of Spaghettio’s that was in a plastic bag.” While speaking with the victim, an officer “observed a large laceration on the top of his head consistent with being struck with the can.”

Ironically, the man would have suffered worse injuries if he actually consumed the SpaghettiOs.

True Detective Stories

Now I know I say this often, but it is true now as it was months ago: I hate this job, and I hate a good amount of my coworkers. “Now gee, Wyatt, you cannot possibly be serious.” Actually, I am, and I will illustrate exactly why in the course of this post.

Yesterday I walked into the division and it was a ghost town. The only people on the floor were the captain’s aide and me. I put my drinks in the fridge, headed to my desk and was told, “Um, they’re fumigating the floor. One of our coworkers tested positive for the Wuhan virus, so you have to go outside while they’re disinfecting the building.”

So my day was already off to a terrible start.

Maybe fifty people – cops and detectives – are standing in a small parking lot, entirely too close, for a half hour while the city “cleaned” the building. Everyone was talking about the coworker who tested positive, and the two others who spent an hour in a car with him during a job. The coworker is now officially off for two weeks, as well as two other members of the division…

Happy Birthday Kari!

Today is my friend Kari’s birthday; wife to one of my best friends, godmother to my son Kevin, and mother of three.

Kari lives in the fabulous state of Arizona and works at Grand Canyon University. Go ‘Yotes! When she isn’t recruiting and selling the university, she’s raising her kids and dealing with Kevin’s eternal nonsense. (Sorry Kev.)

In the meantime, she is a caring, sensitive presence in her family, while making sure everyone is happy and healthy- including her Marine son.

Since we can’t be in Arizona to wish her a happy birthday, the least I can do is post some photos to make her day hopefully a little brighter.

True Detective Stories

In nearly twenty-six years of police work, I have received an untold amount of bizarre phone calls from the public. I’ve handled everything from “Do I have a warrant, because if I do, I want to leave the city,” to “Can you send someone out to check our smoke detectors?” So yeah, I’ve basically heard it all.

Well, not exactly all…

A man called yesterday the moment I sat at my desk. I answered politely – the first call of the day is always polite; every other one, well, varies – and the man wanted to ask me a question. The man’s question was not stupid or bizarre; it was just odd, ans it was a question I have never, ever been asked.

“Yes, what is the name of your department’s first deputy commissioner.”

If you’ve ever seen the meme with the guy blinking repeatedly, that was me at that moment. I mean, we almost have more high-ranking brass than officers, and keeping track of them is an impossible task.

“Um, I honestly do not know. I know the name of our commissioner, but I do not know the names of deputy commissioners.”

Assuming the man likely thought I was either lying or simply ignorant, I gave him my sincere, brutally honest explanation. “Sir, I come to work, do my job, and do my best to steer clear of bosses. I don’t want them to know me, and I don’t want to know them.”

The answer must have somewhat satisfied the man, who replied, “Okay, thank you,” before hanging up.

UPDATE: Dude just called again today to ask me the same question! Am I on Candid Camera?

Democracy Dies In Fascism

A leftist advocacy group, at the behest of mainstream media organizations like CNN and the Washington Post, demanded the FCC investigate media outlets which continue to broadcast President Trump’s Wuhan virus press conferences.

The balls on these people.

Federal Communications Commission (FCC) Chairman Ajit Pai dismissed a petition for the agency to investigate news networks that air President Donald Trump’s press briefings on coronavirus.

The independent government agency slapped down a request from advocacy group Free Press because press freedoms are too important, Pai said in a tweet Monday announcing the decision.

“The federal government will not — and never should — investigate broadcasters for their editorial judgments,” Pai said in the statement. “We leave it to broadcasters to determine for themselves how to cover this national emergency, including live events involving our nation’s leaders.”

Of course, the previous administration would have jumped at the chance to deny First Amendment freedoms to media outlets they didn’t like.

Pai’s tweet and press statement comes after Washington Post columnist Margaret Sullivan demanded Saturday that news networks stop live-broadcasting Trump’s near-daily coronavirus briefings.

For nearly four years, the media has been screeching that President Trump is denying them their First Amendment rights, and here they are, demanding the president’s – and their media rivals’ – be curtailed. The leftist media is despicable, and they deserved to be shunned.

True Detective Stories

So I received a call Sunday from work informing me that, sadly, a police supervisor passed away from the Wuhan virus. The department’s response was calm and measured; and by that, I mean they lost their collective minds. The bosses have decided detectives – I’m not sure if this is citywide or not – will work four hours in the division, and four hours at home.

We have been told after we leave the building (or before, depending on your hours) we must be available by phone and email until our eight-hour shift ends. That implies they can call us back to work at any given moment – understandable, but here are people in my division who live outside the city. Some of them a good hour’s drive away.

The delicious irony of all this is our computer system was never meant to be used remotely, so while the bosses would like me to work from home, there is no viable way to do so. Are they going to forward all the division’s phone calls to my house? Will they email police reports to our home computers?

No one wants to listen to what I have to say, but instead of turning our schedules upside down, maybe tell the street cops to stop making car stops, pedestrian stops, and interacting with every single person on the street?

Stop doing car stops, stop doing ped stops, and use some common sense. Answer the radio, back up your fellow officers, and that’s it.

The amount of officers downstairs sick with the Wu-Flu are now in the double digits, mostly because they were hustling to make arrests, and got sick from some rando citizen. Splitting shifts will not make us less susceptible to the virus.

Look, anyone who’s been here for a while know that while I hate what my department has become, I always go there with a strong work ethic. Forget this split shift garbage. Let me go to the division, put in my hours, and be done with it. If I get sick, I get sick; just let me do my fucking job!

Caption Contest Winners

The Eat This HOA! Caption Contest is now over.

Top Five Entries:
5. Damn mosquitoes!! – Kevin
4. Old age and treachery will overcome youth and enthusiasm! – Mike AKA Proof
3. I said six feet bitches!!! – Sully
2. They may take away our lives, but they will never take my freedom…or toilet paper! – Jim

WINNER! – “I said to stay off my grass ya little shits!” – Cathy

Germany Is Filled With Dummkopfs

A nearly 200-foot section of the Berlin Wall was demolished by developers to make room for condominiums.

Is there even one person in Deutschland who is not a complete and total idiot?

A 196-foot chunk of the Berlin Wall has disappeared almost overnight, sparking outcry among appalled historians. As Christian Honicke reports for German newspaper Der Tagesspiegel, developers tore down a section of the historic structure in Pankow, a borough in northeastern Berlin, to make way for luxury condominiums.

The Berlin Wall Foundation, established in 2008 to document the wall’s history and preserve its remains, says it was not informed about the removal. “The partial demolition of the continuous piece of the hinterland wall … is a clear loss of original wall remains,” Manfred Wichmann, head of the foundation [said].

Standing about 11 feet tall, the stretch of concrete had no special historical designations that would protect it from development. City Building Councillor Vollrad Kuhn tells Der Tagesspiegel that the demolition occurred on schedule. Due to the absence of a special heritage designation, developers did not have to adhere to any specific procedures.

“Oh hey old chap, hope this isn’t a bother, but while you were sleeping, we decided to level Stonehenge to make way for a strip mall.”

Put Another Cure On The Barbie!

Australian researchers believe an anti-parasitic drug can cure the Wuhan virus in 48 hours.

Australian scientists have found a common anti-parasitic drug killed SARS-CoV-2 virus, growing in cell culture, within 48 hours in lab settings. Ivermectin is an FDA-approved anti-parasitic drug that has also been shown to be effective in vitro against a broad range of viruses including HIV, dengue, influenza and Zika virus.

Published in the journal Antiviral Research, the study from Monash University showed that a single dose of Ivermectin could stop the coronavirus growing in cell culture — effectively eradicating all genetic material of the virus within two days. “We found that even a single dose could essentially remove all viral RNA by 48 hours and that even at 24 hours there was a really significant reduction in it,” said study lead author Dr Kylie Wagstaff.

Dr Wagstaff, however, cautioned that the tests conducted in the study were in vitro and that trials needed to be carried out in people. (H/T – DocRambo)

True enough, but I’ll wager some patients who are having a tough time with it would volunteer to take Ivermectin and let the chips fall where they may. Either way, this is hopefully another breakthrough against the virus.

True Detective Stories

Whenever it seems I cannot find a suitable post for the blog, I am always inspired by the dullards, morons, and mouth breathers who populate/pollute my department.

Late Thursday night, two officers came to the division to drop off paperwork. The Wuhan virus protocols are still in effect, so they have to pass all paperwork through the window and into my waiting hands. (So eventually I’m getting this damned super-flu.)

I look up at them, and my jaw immediately dropped. These two jackasses were wearing medical masks, but instead of the plain white or the baby blue, these assclowns were wearing sports masks. One had the Philadelphia Flyers logo on it, and the other had the Philadelphia Eagles logo on it.

Very professional, gentlemen; I’m sure you’re the pride of your district.