Weekend Caption Contest

australian-parliament-protester

Squeeze Play Caption Contest
(Source: Yahoo News Photos)

Original Caption: Security guards hold a protester as they remove a group from the House of Representatives after they began chanting slogans regarding the offshore detention of asylum seekers during Question Time in Parliament House, Canberra, Australia on Nov. 30, 2016. (AAP/Lukas Coch/via Reuters)

Caption this photo in the comments section. The winners will be posted Monday, December 9th.

Only L. Ron Hubbard Saves More

milhouse-in-goalIn preparation for the upcoming lacrosse season, Kyle’s high school team – of which I am an assistant coach – has been practicing from 7-9 pm on Monday and Wednesday nights. I refer to this as practice, but in reality it is just the kids split into teams and scrimmaging for two hours.

As mentioned before, I and the other coaches occasionally play; mostly when we are craving a huge slice of humble pie.

On Wednesday night, we were short a goalie, so the head coach asked if we could bring in goalie equipment. Kyle had some from when he played in grade school, so I brought it to the scrimmage. Before we left, Mrs. Earp issued two general orders: 1. Kyle is not to play goaltender, and 2. I am not to play goaltender…

Continue reading “Only L. Ron Hubbard Saves More”

McDonald’s Locations Are At Half-Arch

big-macMcDonald’s restaurants are remembering a hamburger icon this week. Michael “Jim” Delligatti passed away this week at the age of 98.

Who is Jim Delligatti, you ask? Read on.

THE inventor of the Big Mac has died at the age of 98. Michael “Jim” Delligatti came up with the iconic McDonald’s burger nearly 50 years ago.

The franchise-owner from Uniontown Pennsylvania put the stacked treat on sale at one of his restaurants in 1968.

McDonald’s initially did not approve of deviating from its strict formula of simple hamburgers, cheeseburgers and milkshakes. But the creation of a two-patty burger with lettuce, cheese, gherkins, onions and “special sauce” proved an instant hit, and was rolled out to his other 47 outlets across the US.

Thankfully Cleo McDowell, creator of the Big Mick, is still alive and well. Rest is peace, Mr. Delligatti; my stomach appreciates your service.

Shock And Awesome

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Remember when liberals described George W. Bush as a “warmonger” for invading Afghanistan after the 9/11 attacks? Turns out the former president’s actions decimated al Qaeda’s future plans.

According to one of the world’s most deadly and infamous terrorists, Khalid Sheik Mohammed, President George W. Bush wiped out plans for other imminent attacks by quickly invading Afghanistan after 9/11/2001.

According to a new book detailed by The Federalist and former Bush staffer Marc Thiessen, KSM admitted during enhanced interrogation the President’s swift “shock-and-awe” action not only thwarted plans for follow up attacks to 9/11, but changed Al Qaeda’s entire strategy.

Far from trying to draw us in, KSM said that al-Qaeda expected the United States to respond to 9/11 as we had the 1983 bombing of the Marine barracks in Beirut — when, KSM told Mitchell, the United States ‘turned tail and ran.’

‘Then he looked at me and said, ‘How was I supposed to know that cowboy George Bush would announce he wanted us ‘dead or alive’ and then invade Afghanistan to hunt us down?’’ Mitchell writes.

The article also notes President Three-Putt’s elimination of Gitmo interrogations, pullout of Iraq, and overall dismissive attitude has contributed to the escalation of attacks across the country and around the world.

O Hipster Tree, O Hipster Tree…

hipster-nativity-sceneThe Christmas season is officially underway when my kids tell me I am allowed to listen to the Christmas music station in their presence. December 1st is their firm date, so not only am I listening to Christmas music at home, in the car, etc, but I am also checking out the hottest holiday gifts.

Like, say, a hipster nativity scene.

At first I was like “meh” when I heard about a “hipster” nativity scene for the holidays. That was, until I actually saw it. I have to admit I laughed out loud. It’s pretty darn clever. I mean, the three wise men on Segways bearing gifts from Amazon!? Too perfect. One of these generic “individuals” even has a waxed mustache. Nice detail.

And Mary. Mary holding a cup of Starbucks next to baby Jesus while making a pursed-lip duck face for their selfie.

“Joseph” here is barefoot, of course, and I cannot tell by the angle, but you just know he is sporting a man bun. I should get this for my jackass millennial neighbors… or just throw the figurines at their garage door.

You’re Gonna Love My Nuts

slap-chop-youre-gonna-love-my-nuts

A Pennsylvania prison guard has been placed on leave after allegedly pepper spraying an inmate… who was naked… in the ol’ Grape Nuts.

Sergeant Scott Blume, who is now on paid leave from Scranton’s Lackawanna County jail, was taking the inmate to the restricted housing unit after disciplining him for having homemade alcohol made with leftover fruit.

Blume placed the inmate in a holding cell and told him to change into a different prison uniform, made for those in restricted housing, saying the scene was caught on camera. The inmate, named as Damian Kellogg, refused to change, at which point Blume grabbed him by the throat and pulled his hair.

The argument escalated until Blume, who had stepped out of the cell, twice sprayed the inmate through an opening in the door.

In fairness to Sergeant Blume, the inmate was waxing poetically about Acapulco, so Blume figured one spray south of the border will make him think he’s south of the border.

Schmuck And Cover

alisyn-camerota-cnnMeet Alisyn – nice made-up name – Camerota.

Alisyn is a “journalist” at the “respected” media giant CNN who suffers from a bad dye job and an even worse case of crippling white guilt.

Americans should wear hijabs to show solidarity with Muslim women who fear being attacked for wearing the religious head covering, CNN anchor Alisyn Camerota suggested on Monday. Camerota was responding to a CNN segment about Muslim women who say they live in fear of being verbally or physically attacked for wearing head scarves.

“Maybe there will be a movement where people wear the head scarf in solidarity. You know, even if you’re not Muslim,” Camerota said during an early-morning broadcast on CNN’s “New Day.”

Ironically, hours after the CNN segment aired, an 18-year-old Somali refugee named Abdul Razak Ali Artan attempted to kill students at Ohio State University.

Wow Alisyn, how embarrassing for you. Maybe tomorrow you can show your solidarity with the 99% of American non-Muslims who refuse to slaughter people for their god.

A Big Squish In A Small Pond

deltona-florida-robbery-suspect-hides-in-pond

A Florida robbery suspect was found hiding from police waist-deep in a Deltona pond. There is no word whether the suspect caught – or gave – crabs while wading through the water.

The Volusia County Sheriff’s Office said deputies responded Saturday to a Family Dollar store in Deltona, where a clerk told them a man with “Loyalty” tattooed across his abdomen claimed to have a gun and demanded money.

Deputies in a sheriff’s office helicopter spotted a man walking near a pond and wading waste-deep into the water.

Sean Torres, 29, allegedly told deputies he was “just fishing” and had dropped his pole in the water. Deputies said they questioned Torres about the robbery and he responded: “The guy who did it went that way.” (H/T – TXNick)

Doesn’t this mental defective realize the only effective use of that excuse is, “He want thataway?” Damned amateurs are giving television criminals a bad name.

Sticky Fingers

one-finger-selfie-challengeThere are billions and billions of stupid internet “challenges” out there, but I believe we finally found one worth exploring.

The One Finger Selfie Challenge is prompting men and women to take naked mirror selfies while simultaneously covering their nipples and genitals using only one finger.

YouTuber Aimee Davison actually filmed herself attempting the challenge, which she says was started by a cartoon drawing created by Japanese anime artist Sky-freedom.

In the artist’s illustration, her character is pictured taking a mirror selfie while using one finger to cover her chest and crotch. This works because the finger in the picture obscures her genitals, while its reflection is positioned over her chest.

I’m going to post this at work in hopes the cute young police officers in my division feel the urge to participate. You know, for science!

The Amazon Liver

amazons-apollo-building

A disgruntled Amazon worker jumped off the internet giant’s Seattle corporate headquarters after being denied a departmental transfer.

An Amazon.com Inc. employee was injured when he leaped off a building at the company’s Seattle headquarters in what police characterized as a suicide attempt.

The man, who wasn’t identified by authorities, sent an e-mail visible to hundreds of co-workers, including Chief Executive Officer Jeff Bezos, before the incident occurred. The man survived the fall from Amazon’s 12-story Apollo building at about 8:45 a.m. local time Monday and was taken to a Seattle hospital. In the e-mail, the man expressed criticism of how the company handled his transfer request, and he hinted that he might harm himself.

The man had recently put in a request to transfer to a different department, but was placed on an employee improvement plan, a step that can lead to termination if performance isn’t improved.

The good news is the man survived the fall, and he arrived ahead of schedule with free shipping.