On Monday I was sitting in the doctor’s office, awaiting my weekly shock therapy appointment. (What? Dealing with you people is very stressful.) So I’m sitting in a chair surfing teh innerwebz on my phone when this chubby guy and his cute, but equally chubby wife sat across from me. Now, the row in this office is approximately two feet wide, so I have to move my legs as to not kick these people.

I should have given the guy a preemptive boot.

This fat bastard looked me up and down then whispered to his cute, but chubby wife, “I can’t sit across from this f**king guy.” Except he “whispered” it loud enough for Moscow to hear.

Why can’t this pissflap sit across from me? What war crime did I commit? I was wearing a New Jersey Devils half-zip fleece which resembles the one below.

Devils Hallf-Zip Fleece

Now, I am not one to apologize for not root, root, rooting for the home team. My favorite teams are the Denver Broncos, Michigan Wolverines, and any hockey team Jaromir Jagr played on. Plus, it’s fun to poke the ignorant locals in the eye once in a while. Besides, this penis pulsator could have moved to any of a number of empty seats. My jacket offends you? Get a tow truck to lift your fat ass off the ground.

So he said this and I looked up from my phone at him. Fatty McButterpants stared back, and before he can open his pie hole, I looked back at my phone. Yes, I wanted to chop him in the gullet with my phone, but self-control got the better of me. Then, he said it again, and whispered something – quietly, this time – into his wife’s ear. She began to giggle.

I wanted to smash this assclown in the nose with a rolled-up issue of Glamour, but again, self-control. He must have seen my face turn red and the trickle of blood running down my lip from my biting it, because those were the last words he uttered. The doctor called me back. I stood up, glared at these two sacks of Shiite, and whispered in my most angry detective voice, “Go Devils,” before walking away.

I hope I see him at my next appointment. I plan on wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey.

6 thoughts on “Bedeviled!

  1. How childish. I’m not a sports fan anymore, but when I was, it never occurred to me that I had some obligation to feud with the fans of other teams. I mean, it’s just a f***ing game, for crying out loud. If you don’t have big money bet on it, the outcome’s really not going to affect your life that much. And if you do have big money bet on it, you’d better base your bet on rational analysis, rather than tribal affiliation.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. John – I could see if we were in grade school, but adults acting this way? In a serious manner? Bitch please. I tell my kids to cheer for whatever team they please, and not give a damn what other people say.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You should have told him, “great, you don’t like my choice of clothes and don’t like that you’re fat. I can change clothes…..” mic drop.


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