Brokeback Mountains

As is usually the case, research nerds are ruining men’s fun. This time, they have released yet another study detailing the painful side effects of an ample bosom.

How come we never see a study featuring the awesome side effects of big boobs?

Bigger breasts are fueling a backache epidemic among millions of young women, new research has revealed. The trend for curvier figures – which has seen both average dress and bra cup sizes increase in recent years – has created painful side effects, particularly backache but also joint and muscle problems.

Fashion trends such as oversized handbags and high heels have also become factors that have led to one in five of women under the age of 40 suffering from joint, back or muscle pain.

Obviously this study was conducted by women – or gay men. Ladies, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I would like to talk to you about these matters, and believe me when I tell you: I speak for all men.

All guys love big boobs. All of them. Yes, even your boyfriend/husband. If your guy claims otherwise, he is a dirty filthy liar, and the second you go to bed, he runs downstairs to scour teh innerwebz for topless photos of Kate Upton.

Guys couldn’t care less if your big boobs give you back pain. Guys couldn’t care less if your “F**k-Me-Pumps” hurt your feet. Big boobs, high heels, and dresses/skirts make you look hot, and that’s all your guy cares about. So, let’s make a deal. You leave your fantastic boobs alone, and we promise to help with your pain management twenty years down the road.

Look, guys are shallow. You know it, and we know it, so why fight it?