Breaking The Bank

JPMorgan Chase is about to introduce a feature where customers will be able to withdraw money from ATMs from their smartphone. If the project is successful, they will then consider issuing credit cards to poo-flinging monkeys.

Banking is about to get even easier. Later this year, JPMorgan Chase will start rolling out new ATMs at branches throughout the country that will give customers the option to withdraw money using their smartphones instead of a traditional bank card.

The first wave of these machines will allow customers to enter a code into their Chase apps on their phones in order to access the machine. Future iterations will allow customers to simply tap their iOS or Android devices to the new eATM via near-field communication (NFC), just as you currently can at many checkout counters using Apple Pay, Samsung Pay, or similar features.

These new high-tech ATMs will also dispense bills in your selection of $1, $5, $20, and $100 denominations, and will have a higher withdrawal limit of $3000.

In my division, nearly every robbery involves the theft of a cellphone. Now, victims won’t only have to worry about losing their $400 cellphone and their nude photos of Betty White, but also up to $3,000 from their bank account. Bravo, Chase!