True Detective Stories

Jury NoticeSo yesterday afternoon I was lying in the recliner, anxiously awaiting another sweat-soaked broken fever, when I received a text message from my sergeant. The message said I have court tomorrow – which would be today – at 10am. I acknowledged the text and let him know I’ll go if I’m able. Since I am supposed to be working the night shift, the court appearance guarantees overtime, and since my second book isn’t finished – and not enough people bought the first – I need the scratch.

As I plan on hitting the sack early – bed, not someone’s groin – the cellulitis reminds me I have other plans. The rash became much more painful yesterday, so much so that I cannot wear khakis without seething in pain. I realize I will have to call out sick for court – and for work today – and sulk penniless in front of the TV.

At 11pm, my old patrol partner sent me a text which read, “Hey, did you get a court notice for tomorrow, 1003 at 10am?” I replied yes, but told Gerry I doubt I’ll be able to go because this virus knocked me on my ample ass.

He replied, “Oh, no biggie. It’s a DUI arrest from 2001.”

Eh, what???

To refresh your memory, when this person was arrested, I had only one child, George W. Bush had just been inaugurated, Windows XP was launched, Joey Ramone was alive, and the World Trade Center was still standing. This assistant district attorney wants to call us in, put us on the stand, and start with the obligatory first question, “Detective, can you tell me where you were on this date in 2001?”

“Sure, I was in the lobby of a Howard Johnson’s and I was wearing a pink carnation.”

Now, I’m no detective, but I’m pretty sure fifteen freakin’ years violates the guarantee of a speedy trial. There is no way my partner or I are going to recognize this pickled putz after a decade and a half. Neither of us will be able to recall the events without memorizing the police report, and make no mistake; that is what it will happen if the city wants a conviction.

If the ADA was smart, she would just apologize to me with pity sex, read my report into the record and save the city all the OT.

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Metoo – In this town, probably not. Maybe they will explain it on the backlog of cases.

    Ingineer – The only thing I can think is the person failed to show for court the first time, a bench warrant was issued, and it took a decade and a half for the person to be picked up. Or, the DA’s Office is completely incompetent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Like I’ve mentioned before, you really need to write a book of all these great “True Detective” stories.

    I’d think that somewhere in this particular case, somebody on the defense had a continuance or maybe the guy didn’t show and got a failure to appear warrant or something that kept bouncing the trial date back. If none of that stuff really happened, I figure the defendant would walk easily. Just the statute of limitations alone. Who knows? Did your partner call and tell you the outcome if he showed?

    Send the guy replacing you on the desk. The defense would have just as hard a time id’ing the cops and you would the drunk.


  3. My best buddy of 40 something years was in his dive some one day when 2 FBI agents came in asking about a student he had 5 years prior. Mike said, I literally run a thousand people though here each year, there is no way I could remember someone from that long ago. FBI: Well he had nipple rings. Mike: Oh yeah! He clipped a 5 pound wad of keys to his nipple while diving, I do remember him…here’s his file. Strange guy.

    So, maybe you would 🙂


  4. RG – Gerry never got back to me, but he had multiple listings yesterday, so he may not have known, either. Still though, fifteen years for a DUI case is ridiculous.

    Rob – You know those films which portray the FBI as either idiots or condescending a-holes? Those movies paint them that way for a reason. Many of the Feds I interact with think city cops – and people in general – are well beneath them.


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