Candy Crush

Hershey BarSorry ladies, but please don’t kill the messenger. If the prevailing numbers are correct, the world is facing a critical chocolate shortage.

This is bad news for women, but even worse news for the men who love them.

Demand for cocoa will soon be at an all-time high as shoppers in developing countries buy more of the sweet treat. But supply is slowing due to poor farming methods driving the planet towards a deficit where demand outstrips supply, claims the author of a report titled Destruction by Chocolate.

The typical Western consumer eats an average of 286 chocolate bars a year – more if they are from Belgium. For 286 bars, producers need to plant 10 cacao trees to make the cocoa and the butter – the key ingredients in the production of chocolate.

Despite the increased demand, supply has not kept up and stockpiles of cocoa are falling.

Luckily, I have an idea. You see, liberals are always whining about the horrors of global warming, and how they want to save the planet. This is their chance. I suggest they forfeit their chocolate rights – at gunpoint, if necessary – in order to save the cocoa bean. We get what he want – Hershey Bars as far as the eye can see, and they get what they want – the smug self-satisfaction of buying carob at the local Whole Foods store.

Problem solved. You’re welcome America.

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