True Detective Stories

Bad Cop No DonutThere is no shortage of stupid people in this great big world, and most people cannot swing a dead cat without hitting some dullard. Sadly, my profession attracts the galactically dense, and most of them revolve around me like simpleminded planets.

So, let me tell you about work last night…

At about 4pm, an officer called the division and stated he responded to a radio call for a theft. The victim claimed someone took his Amazon package – oatmeal and books – from his front doorstep. The victim stated he saw the offender – from behind – but it’s all good because he can identify the offender’s “distinctive clothing.” Um, okay.

A few minutes later, Supercop stops a vehicle with three people inside; two women and one man. The victim is brought to the scene and “identifies” one of the women as the one who stole his package. The identification is made only by the clothing, and no package is recovered in the car or with the offender.

Supercop asks, “So, what do I do?”

You take off your badge, turn in your gun, and go work for Tastykake, because if you don’t know what crime – if any – was committed, you should find another line of work…

A few hours later, two rookies come in with an assault report. The victim claims the offender punched her in the face causing a black eye. The victim and offender know each other, so this would be a simple assault. In Pennsylvania, a simple assault with known doers are not handled by detectives. A private criminal complaint needs to be filed. I explained this to the officer – who has less than a month on the street – and he starts giving me attitude.

He angried up the blood.

I asked, “Officer, do you think a black eye constitutes an aggravated assault?” He replied, “Yeah, don’t you?”

I responded, “An aggravated assault would have to include serious bodily injury. You know, stitches, broken bones. A black eye is not an aggravated assault. This is a private criminal complaint, nothing more.” I forgot to add, “Now go get your f**king shine box.”

Finally, one of the infamous douche canoes came in right before closing with a theft of a gun report. The victim tells the officer she hasn’t seen her pistol in a few months, and no one has been in her house. There was no forced entry, and there was no crime scene. Apparently the gun just vanished into fat air. The cop buys this tripe – it was on sale – and write all that nonsense on the report.

I was too tired to argue. I assigned the job to a detective, who proceeded to rip the officer a new a=hole.

I mean, I can say “F the police,” right? You know, because I’m a cop? Because my division is chock full of teh stoopid his week.

4 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Don’t you wish there was something like a reverse “Macarthur Genius Grant” that you could nominate dumbasses for?

    Hmmm, if there were such a thing, what should the “prize” be?


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