Slow Times At Philly High

Jeff Spicoli And Mr. Hand

So I spent yesterday suffering through my annual MPO (Municipal Police Officer) training, which keeps me certified to fight crime, save citizens, and drink Diet Mountain Dew at my desk while watching the Copa America soccer tournament. The good news is our training center was moved from downtown to the northeast section of the city, cutting last year’s one hour travel time to five minutes.

There is no other good news.

Yesterday was my first of four classroom days, plus an extra day re-qualifying at the pistol range. The topics? Legal Updates and “Procedural Justice.” Yeah, you know you wanted to be there. The Legal Updates lesson explains every single, solitary, sleep-inducing update to Pennsylvania’s criminal code; because I needed to know the minimum penalty for a misdemeanor was changed from one year to ten months.

By 10am, I was ready to hang myself, mostly because I was tired of continually undressing the only attractive cop in class with my eyes. And really, she wasn’t merely “cop hot.”

I returned from lunch in a sleepy mood, but the fact the thermostat was set to “Polar Bear” made short work of that. The second half of the day was dedicated to Procedural Justice, a phony, made-up term which in perfect English would read as “Liberalism in Policing.”

For the next two hours, we were instructed in how we should be kinder and gentler to people who want to shoot at us, learned the “lessons of Ferguson” – which I assume is to sit back and let the people burn down their own neighborhood – and regurgitated the liberal talking points in order to receive a passing grade.

Tomorrow is a full eight hours of CPR, which most people can do in two. God, I love government!

8 thoughts on “Slow Times At Philly High

  1. Did you have pizza delivered? I have a dept meeting today which will be at a minimum 2 long uninformed hours. It’s summertime and we have no students. We ought to be able to finish this in 15 minutes…tops. I feel a teeny, tiny bit of your pain. Good luck!

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  2. Proof – The good old days when it was still legal to covet thy neighbor’s hot wife.

    Cathy – I’m already looking to do chest compressions on a cute cop without the alcohol!

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  3. I am guessing cop hot is similar to engineer hot. And 8 hours of CPR!? Can’t you declare them after like 20 minutes. Ba dump bump.

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  4. Jenn – Zip it, woman! Like most men, I didn’t bother to look at the directions.

    Ingineer66 – I did eight hours of CPR, and boy are my arms tired!

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