Monday was my last day of an eleven-day work week, so you can imagine how low my tolerance level was for morons. At about 9am, an officer walked in with what he termed “an arrest.” The officer is a seasoned veteran – with a full eleven months on the street – so naturally he knows everything. Since this officer was voted Most Likely To End Up In Federal Pound-You-In-The-Ass Prison, we demanded to hear his story first. It was the stuff out of Fractured Fairy Tales.
The officer claimed he made a burglary arrest after he found three people living inside a residence without permission. He brought in all three defendants as well as a witness. On the surface, it appeared to be a solid job, but this was our version of Alonzo Harris, so questions needed to be asked…
My sergeant started us off: “Officer, where is the complainant/homeowner for this job?”
Alonzo replied: “The complainant lives in a rest home in Cleveland, Ohio.”
Sergeant: “So who is going to tell the assigned detective, and later a courtroom, the defendants had no permission to be inside the residence?”
Alonzo: “Well, we have a witness who saw them enter the house.”
Sergeant: “But does the witness live there, or does she have power of attorney for the complainant?”
Alonzo: “Well, no, but she saw them enter the house.”
Sergeant: “Officer, that only matters when it goes to court. We need the complainant for the district attorney to file charges.”
Alonzo: “Well, I saw them in there, so my word should be good enough.”
Yes, because the word of some jackass with less than a year on the job is more than enough to convict even the hardest of criminals.
Sergeant: “Let me ask you this, officer; how do we know these people do not have permission to be in the property?”
Alonzo: “Because the rear door was pried open.”
Sergeant: “How do we know the door wasn’t pried open previously, and these people entered it days, weeks, or months after the fact?”
Here is where the story takes an amusing turn.
Alonzo: “It doesn’t matter, because in court I’ll just say they pried the door.”
All stop. All back full.
At this point, my smile transformed into a full-blown guffaw. I had to announce my presence with authoritah!
Me: “Dude, do you actually want to go to federal prison, because that’s where you’re headed!”
The sergeant followed up my sarcasm with a splash of vitriol, and while we processed the arrest – after trying for two hours to reach the homeowner – the sergeant sent Alozno on his merry way. This is the type of people we have to deal with every single day.
Oh, by the way, a short time later, Alonzo’s sergeant called my sergeant and said Alonzo claimed the mean, nasty detectives were mean and nasty to him. As far as I know, Alonzo is still contorted into the fetal position inside his safe space.