True Detective Stories

Police Academy MovieSaturday was a pretty brutal evening at the division. When I walked into the office, the temperature read a chilly 83.5 degrees, so after zipping up my parka, I greeted our first complainant, a woman who was assaulted and threatened with a weapon. The sergeant from the previous shift said the woman had been waiting in the hallway for fifteen minutes, but the arresting officers should be up momentarily.

Now, effecting an arrest, writing the preliminary report, and transporting the victim and suspect to the detective division should take an hour and a half from the time of the incident. That’s a worst-case scenario. Keep that in mind as the story continues.

At 3:15, the victim came to the front window and asked how long she would have to wait to be seen. I told her we can bring her in the moment the police report arrives. (It’s difficult to interview a victim without first having an idea what happened from an impartial source.) The woman was disappointed, but not angry, and asked to use the restroom. No problem…

At 3:30, the woman came to the window again, and again I had to explain these jackass cops still were not here with the paperwork. I assured her I would call them and find out why their thumbs were completely stuck inside their rectums. A few minutes later, two officers walked through the door. I angrily politely asked where the f**k their paperwork was. They replied they only brought in the defendant, and the “arresting” officers would be up shortly.

Urge to kill… rising.

At 3:50 the arresting officers finally waltzed through the door. They just graduated from the police academy and this was their first arrest. I took their paperwork and noticed the time they responded to the assignment.


Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

It took these mental defectives two hours and 43 minutes to write a one-page report and drive four miles. In the meantime, the victim – who was actually victimized twice: once by the suspect and once by these rookie cops – was very angry and ready to drop the case altogether.

I politely rudely sarcastically explained to these dopes they cannot, under any circumstances, leave a complainant sitting in a hallway for nearly two hours. They had the temerity to give me attitude, and I calmly angrily replied, “It took five police officers to arrest one guy, and it took you three hours to do it. I could take this job right now, process it, and cut you all out of court. Buh-bye overtime! I know you’re new, but the first lesson you guys need to learn is this: You’ll need detectives well before we’ll need any of you.”



7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. So, detective, sir, did they get your AC functioning? Hope so since incompetence appears to make you hot under the collar. I almost feel guilty for enjoying your true detective stories.


  2. Metoo – It’s okay to enjoy them. I do… much later, after I’ve calmed down. And still no air conditioning. Last night it read 85.4 degrees inside the office at 8pm.


  3. Careful, you never know who will be your boss someday. These two appear destined for captain’s bars or maybe even into the FBI. Their grasp of the fundamentals of the criminal justice system seem far superior to the current Director’s.


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