True Detective Stories

Race CardOn Saturday night, a man called the detective division and asked to speak to a detective. Since I am the jackass who answered the phone, the man had to settle for me. The conversation began swimmingly, as the man yelled at me for five minutes, claiming I was not doing enough to arrest the people who assaulted his nephew.

When Nick Furious finally took a breath, I asked him when and where the incident took place. Turns out, the assault occurred in early July, when I was sunning my glorious naked body and fighting off scorpions in Arizona. After relaying this high-larious info nugget to the man, he not only did not apologize, but instead became even more irate.

“My nephew was assaulted by a group of white males last month, and you people aren’t doing anything about it! How long does it take to get a warrant and grab these guys?”

Actually, it can take anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to secure an arrest warrant, depending upon the circumstances. Not that Screamy McYellsalot would know, since crimes are solved in an hour on Hulu…

I again reiterated I was not the detective assigned to his nephew’s case, and reminded the man there are many factors involved in obtaining an arrest warrant. His response was the stuff of legend:

“I’m starting to think y’all aren’t doing anything because we’re black.”

Inside my feeble, malfunctioning brain I was raging, screaming at this jerkass so loud his face began to melt. Outside, I was eerily calm; the calm Islamists must experience before pressing the trigger on their ‘splodey vest, or the calm Jenna Jameson felt before taking on five guys at once. This man needed some mansplaining, and I was going to be his guest lecturer.

“Sir, I work in North Philadelphia. The population of my division is between 80-90% African-American. Now, if the roles were reversed, and African-Americans were in the minority, I could possibly consider your point. As it stands, not only are you dead wrong, but your premise is also flawed. If the detectives here – many of whom are African-American – had a bias against African-Americans, we wouldn’t be very good at our jobs. Victims would not be served, crimes would not be solved, and you’d be damned sure the media would be broadcasting it from the highest mountain.

What you said was offensive and insulting, and considering I have been more than courteous to you, I believe this is all the help you will receive this evening. Your detective will be in at 8am. Feel free to give him a call. Have a nice day.”

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I read that Ellen Degenerate was labeled a racist yesterday for a meme photo of her and Usain Bolt. If that’s the case, then you are in fact a racist too. Just because. Just because the guy said so. That always makes it true.

    I hope you checked the “asshole” box in your database for this caller.


  2. Wyatt – Thanks. The racist accusation really bothers me, because 1. I work with many African-American detectives/officers, and 2. I work in a predominantly African-American division. If I was a raving racist, I wouldn’t be good at my job.


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