True Detective Stories


I had every intention of belatedly laughing at Hillary Clinton’s 9-11 face-plant today, but it was necessary to post about work instead. It was necessary because I am surrounded by idiots, and they all have access to telephones.

So this jackass – we’ll refer to him as Zoolander – called the division and asked for one of my fellow detectives. The detective is on vacation this week, and Zoolander did not react to the news well.

“Well, I got a problem. He’s working on my case, and I have some important information to give him. Can you give me his home phone number so I can call him on my own?”

I politely replied, “No sir, we do not give out detectives’ personal information.” I would have rather replied, “Go f**k yourself, Zoolander. Police officers get a vacation, too, so your bullshit fraud report will have to wait,” but self-control got the better of me…

Zoolander was a persistent little bastard, so I did the kid a solid and offered the detective’s city email address. The conversation when thusly:

Me: “Okay, do you have a pen?”
Zoolander: “No, but I’m on the computer, so I can type the address.”

Me: “It’s John.smith@phila gov.”
Zoolander: “John… is dot spelled d-o-t?”

I literally sighed into the phone and responded, “Sir, have you ever used email before?” He claimed he had, and added “All the time!”

Me: “Okay, let’s try this again. It’s John-dot (as in a period)-smith@phila-dot (as in a period) gov.”

You are going to think I am making this next part up, but I swear upon my life I am not…

Zoolander: “The ‘at’ is just a-t, right?”

I held the phone away from my ear, looked at it, and brought it back.

Me: “No, the ‘at” is the, you know, the ‘at’ sign. You press the shift key and hit the number two key.”

You are really going to think I am making this next part up, but I swear upon my life I am not…

Zoolander: “Okay, I think I got it. It’s John-dot-smith-s-h-i-f-t-two-phila-dot-gov, right?”

Now I am getting angry because I’m thinking this assclown is f**king with me.

Me: “No, god dammit, you don’t spell out the word ‘shift!’ Sir, you have the address. Ask someone who has used a computer before to help you out with the spelling. Have a nice day.”

It truly a miracle I am not a raging alcoholic. Truly.


8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. You should have just asked Zoolander for his email address and then hung up after a few minutes of dead air. This clown has no idea about email. What a joke. No wonder you are looking for alcohol and it’s only Tuesday. I’d tell you good luck with the rest of your week but it’s pointless. You are just going to have to keep dealing with the idiocy of others until you retire. Wait……good luck!!


  2. That’s where ya just gotta say, Yes, sir, you have that right. Good luck. –click!–

    Asshole was probably typing that shit into a search bar……


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