I had every intention of belatedly laughing at Hillary Clinton’s 9-11 face-plant today, but it was necessary to post about work instead. It was necessary because I am surrounded by idiots, and they all have access to telephones.
So this jackass – we’ll refer to him as Zoolander – called the division and asked for one of my fellow detectives. The detective is on vacation this week, and Zoolander did not react to the news well.
“Well, I got a problem. He’s working on my case, and I have some important information to give him. Can you give me his home phone number so I can call him on my own?”
I politely replied, “No sir, we do not give out detectives’ personal information.” I would have rather replied, “Go f**k yourself, Zoolander. Police officers get a vacation, too, so your bullshit fraud report will have to wait,” but self-control got the better of me…
Zoolander was a persistent little bastard, so I did the kid a solid and offered the detective’s city email address. The conversation when thusly:
Me: “Okay, do you have a pen?”
Zoolander: “No, but I’m on the computer, so I can type the address.”
Me: “It’s John.smith@phila gov.”
Zoolander: “John… is dot spelled d-o-t?”
I literally sighed into the phone and responded, “Sir, have you ever used email before?” He claimed he had, and added “All the time!”
Me: “Okay, let’s try this again. It’s John-dot (as in a period)-smith@phila-dot (as in a period) gov.”
You are going to think I am making this next part up, but I swear upon my life I am not…
Zoolander: “The ‘at’ is just a-t, right?”
I held the phone away from my ear, looked at it, and brought it back.
Me: “No, the ‘at” is the, you know, the ‘at’ sign. You press the shift key and hit the number two key.”
You are really going to think I am making this next part up, but I swear upon my life I am not…
Zoolander: “Okay, I think I got it. It’s John-dot-smith-s-h-i-f-t-two-phila-dot-gov, right?”
Now I am getting angry because I’m thinking this assclown is f**king with me.
Me: “No, god dammit, you don’t spell out the word ‘shift!’ Sir, you have the address. Ask someone who has used a computer before to help you out with the spelling. Have a nice day.”
It truly a miracle I am not a raging alcoholic. Truly.