True Detective Stories

grandpa-simpson-with-a-gunAfter twenty-two years in law enforcement, I have become completely soured against the bane of Earth’s existence: humans.

Okay, that is only partially true. I have wished for humanity’s demise since I was a wee lad, and yearned to be rid of teh stoopid. Unfortunately, vacuous homo sapiens are here to stay, and they encompass my entire division.

Take yesterday’s numskull, for instance. (No, really take him… and throw him to the bottom of a rock quarry.)

An elderly gentleman walked into the division and reported he “lost” his Smith & Wesson 38-Special revolver. An officer wrote up the report and walked this dunce upstairs to us. (People reporting lost or stolen firearms must be interviewed by a detective.) The report was not entirely specific, and during the interview, the assigned detective realized the pistol was not lost in the strict sense of the term. Instead, we were treated with the most insane, imbecilic story of all time…

Dopey Carmichael was going on a trip, so he decided it would be a good idea to hide his loaded pistol in the bottom of his recycling bin. The bin was in the garage, and Dopey believed if someone burglarized the residence, they would never check for a weapon under a pile of cardboard, flotsam, beer bottles, and runoff beverages.

I guess he has a point.

Dopey came back today, which happened to be trash day in his neighborhood. Ever the considerate conservationist, Dopey put out his rubbish and recycling, completely unaware a LOADED PISTOL was inside the recycling bin. By time Dopey realized what happened, he ran outside, minutes after it picked up by sanitation trucks.

So yeah, I guess he can categorize the gun as “lost.”

Thankfully, the detectives in my division go above and beyond the call of duty. We tracked down the recycling truck, and sifted through a ton of garbage before recovering the pistol. If we have our way, Dopey will never see the gun again.


7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Proof – The copper who took the report already notified Philly’s Recycling Czar, so hopefully he will be canned.

    Mushdogs – Honestly, I prefer to be taken out by SMOD rather than helplessly watch humanity circle the drain.


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