True Detective Stories

family-guy-joe-swansonLet me tell you about my Friday night…

The evening started off with a lovely memo from City Hall, stating our investigational overtime would be slashed by more than half. So if we are involved in an investigation – say an assault, a robbery, or a shooting – we have to stop in our tracks at the end of our shift.

The money we would have used to solve these crimes is apparently being funneled to the most corrupt, wasteful organization in the city: the School District of Philadelphia.

We cannot work on shootings and robberies anymore, but at least the utes will have shiny new chalk. The irony being some of that overtime would have been used to process the many school assaults.

But wait, there’s more!

You may have seen this story where a member of Philadelphia’s Law Department was caught filming another uber-liberal spray paint “F**k Trump” on a grocery store. Yeah.

That incident occurred in my division, and the political blowback has been worse than you can imagine. The “mayor” is already making excuses for this offender, which has pretty much handcuffed the entire investigation. So… yeah.

Finally, some mentally-defective douche-canoe bunghole came in with a narcotics arrest. The narcotics in question was PCP, which can be absorbed through the skin, so officers are not allowed to bring it into the building. Well, unless said officer wants us to declare a hazmat scene.

P/O Canoe walked into the office, and we immediately knew something was wrong. The smell of PCP is unmistakable; it’s like ammonia and rubbing alcohol. I asked Officer Canoe what he was carrying and he cheerfully replied, “PCP!” I calmly explained the situation to this needle-dicked putz.

“YOU BROUGHT PCP INTO THE BUILDING? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE. NOW!!”

P/O Canoe looked at me quizzically, so he obviously needed a remedial.

“Look dude, you placed PCP in a flimsy plastic bag. A plastic bag cannot contain PCP adequately, and in fact, it is most likely seeping through, since we can fucking smell it! If you can smell PCP, it’s already too late. Take the bag outside, place it in at least one or two more bags, and keep it out there until you are ready to head to the Chem Lab. Oh, and complete a Contact Report and submit it to your supervisor. Since you aren’t wearing gloves, you most likely had contact with the PCP.”

I did not end the lecture with, “Dumbass,” since it was obviously implied.

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