It has been a terrible, horrible, no-good week, so I wanted to end it on a funny note. Drew Magary, a writer at Adequate Man, has penned a brilliant piece entitled, “The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog.”
It is as awesome as you would expect.
I was on the Jersey Turnpike when I saw it. I was driving my family to New York for Thanksgiving and there, along the shittiest stretch of road in the shittiest state in America, I saw the Williams-Sonoma fulfillment center: a vast hangar that seemed to stretch a mile long, with shipping containers lined up along the side, like piglets feeding on a series of artisanal teats. It was located in a town called Cranbury because of course it fucking was. It made me wonder if Williams-Sonoma chose the town of Cranbury specifically for the whimsy of it, or if they CREATED the town and christened it Cranbury just so that it could match their mission statement of bringing holiday cheer and $75 baskets of glazed figs to the world.
Drew lists many examples, including this fantastic offering:
ITEM #23-4203258 – RABBIT AERO LEVER 2.0. Price: $74.95
Copy: “Opens wine with air pressure instead of a corkscrew.”
Drew says: Does it now? Could I place it over someone’s chest and suck out their heart with it, leaving no evidence of any kind? Could I terrorize the entire state of Texas with an Anton Chigurh pageboy haircut and my trusty MURDER VACUUM? Just asking. Completely innocent inquiry. (H/T – AOSHQ)
Trust me, you will want to take some time out of your busy day to read the entire article. I am still laughing at the reviews.