Scatterbrain Jane

jane-park-edinburghMeet Jane Park of Edinburgh, Scotland.

Jane won one million pounds by playing the EuroMillions lottery at the ripe old age of seventeen. Four years later, Jane is claiming the money has ruined her life.

Jane Park was just 17 when she won £1m in 2013 with her first ever lotto ticket. But almost four years on, she says the jackpot has left her feeling “empty”, and called for the legal ticket-buying age to be raised from 16 to 18.

Apparently Jane believes her breast implants are made of brain matter, so now she’s super duper smart!

Jane said she is fed up shopping for luxury goods and cannot find a boyfriend who isn’t after her money. She said exclusive holiday resorts are “snooty” and misses going to Benidorm with her friends, where you can get “as drunk as you want”.

Jane darling, I don’t want you for your money. I want you for your juicy, enormous funbags! Besides, getting as drunk as you want will make my troll-like appearance more palatable…


But even acts of philanthropy – such as helping to pay for a sick boy to travel to Florida for treatment – have left her fed up, as she is inevitably attacked by online trolls for her generosity.

I’ll defend Scatterbrain Jane here: online trolls are douchebags, and I sincerely apologize for calling you an insipid bint. Oh wait…

She claimed to be considering legal action against Camelot for negligence.

And there it is. Jane’s millions are making her miserable, so she must sue the lottery – probably for millions – to make herself happy once again.


2 thoughts on “Scatterbrain Jane

  1. I think her oversized implants (those babies gotta’ be at least 600cc’s) are putting too much weight on her frontal lobe and she just can’t think anymore…


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