True Detective Stories

Since my division is one of the busiest in the city, we are constantly being flooded with rookies and dullards. Academy graduates are sent to our four districts to learn the job and annoy detectives. Take Steve Harvey, for example. (Yes, this cop looks exactly like Steve Harvey.) Steve is a special kind of stupid, as evidenced by his most recent police report.

Steve brought in a domestic vandalism report yesterday, and before reading it, he hold me, “The offender vandalized the complainant’s car, causing three hundred dollars in damage.” He then scampered away, distracted by a shiny nickel on the ground.

I scanned the report, because I don’t trust this stupid motherf**ker, and it read nothing like this jackass claimed. According to the report, the complainant stated her foster son “vandalized” her car… with a pencil. Apparently the offender took his pencil and drew on the side of the vehicle… to the tune of $300.

Oh, did I mention the career criminal in question was five years old?

I’m truly not certain who is the bigger simpleton; the woman who filed a police report on her five-year old child, or the incompetent police officer who put it on paper.


8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I think it’s a “draw” on who is the bigger idiot. My hope is that these two dullards don’t end up hooking up and procreating. That offspring won’t stand a chance.


  2. Please have the child removed from that woman’s home immediately! I certainly hope the two do not hook-up because she is his mother.


  3. Metoo – Thee last thing Steve needs is to procreate. That much dumb under one roof would cause the apocalypse.

    Cathy – We arrested the kid and brutally beat him for three hours.

    Mike – Entirely possible. I’ve seen foster parents do more despicable things.


  4. Why play lotto when you can scam an insurance company or sue somebody? I should move to Philly and rent some foster kids. Sounds like big money.


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