It Feels Like My Head Gonna Buss Open

So, this post has been a long time coming, and I just now accumulated the courage to write it. About a year and a half ago, I wrote a post on the previous blog asking people for advice on insomnia. During that particular weekend, I believe I accrued six hours sleep in total. Proof suggested I try melatonin, and it worked wonders.

Still, something was wrong.

My days were a swirling torrent of stress, panic attacks, and angry outbursts. After one particular outburst directed toward my youngest son, Kevin, I decided I needed to do something about this. I started seeing a therapist. The therapist was very good, and helped me through my main issue at the time. It revolved around my propensity to let everything bottle up inside me, then unleash a negasonic teenage warhead at the first person who looked at me the wrong way…

After a few months, however, my therapist thought I needed to kick up my treatment a notch. BAM!

She suggested a psychiatrist, which I was totally against. I’m not crazy, despite what the voices in my head claim, and I’m certainly not going on medication which would make me drool into a cup. Well, more so. Plus, I was guessing a major metropolitan police department would frown upon one of its members being diagnosed with a mental illness. After much hemming and hawing, I relented and saw the shrink.

After consulting with the psychiatrist and sitting down with me for an hour, she announced her diagnosis. I was suffering from depression.

Yep, there it was; I was officially mentally ill.

I fought the doc on medication, because 1. I didn’t want to accept the fact my brain has malfunctioned, and 2. I didn’t want to use medication as a crutch. Sadly, medication is usually the only way to get past depression, so I agreed to the smallest dose of Zoloft available.

After three months, I returned and told the shrink I was still literally spending full days in bed, crying for no apparent reason, or just avoiding people and society as a whole. The doctor bounced me from 50mg of Zoloft to 100mg, where I am hovering at now. Zoloft usually sets everything right in six months; I am just over a year. Apparently I make George Bailey look like a piker.

Currently, I am without Zoloft – and have been for over a week – because I ran out before the script could be refilled. So I am moodier as ever, and my patience for humans has worn thin. Which brings me to my next point…

You may have noticed yesterday’s May Day post, where I published it without the first few sentences. This just a week after I published the Caption Contest winners, where it said “Top Three Entries” when there were indeed five. In the last few months, my memory has been failing; especially my short-term memory. I have never been shark as a tack when it comes to remembering things, but now it has become concerning… and alarming.

One of the side effects of Zoloft is memory loss, and I brought that up the the psychiatrist last week. She also seemed concerned, and my new script is going to be lowered to 75mg. They want to see if the memory problems have to do with the meds, or something else.

The memory loss alarms me because my mother’s side of the family has a history of Alzheimer’s Disease. I don’t believe I am succumbing to Alzheimer’s at 48, but something is definitely not right. I have seen a neurologist, and there were no serious issues with my tiny brain, but again, something seems wrong.

So why am I telling you all this? First, I want to give you have an explanation of the many mistakes, spelling errors, and rambling paragraphs appearing here lately. Second, I am going to try and focus on my book now, because I’m not sure what my mind will be like in a year or so. Finally, I want you to know if there is a lack of posts, or a large gap between them, it’s because I am spending the day in bed under the covers. It’s not something I enjoy, but I do have those days.

Today will be one of those days. Not because I feel awful, but because since this post reads like a Dickens novel, I want it up for the day.

I don’t like this. I don’t like being mentally ill, I don’t like being forgetful, and I certainly don’t like avoiding things I enjoy. I’m taking the rest of the day off – I’ll respond to any comments, however. Tomorrow will have a full plate of posts.

Thanks for listening.

13 thoughts on “It Feels Like My Head Gonna Buss Open

  1. Sorry to hear about that Wyatt. I to suffer from depression, but I don’t consider it a mental illness. Just to much information about how our fracking government works! (Or doesn’t work. As the case may be. : ) Do what the shrinks tell you and be well always. ; )


  2. Not to be a buttinski, but have you been checked for sleep apnea? This will cause many of your symptoms (and I speak from crappy experience ). The fix is generally drug free, too. The diagnosis and subsequent treatment literally changed my life.

    Regardless, I hope you are back up to snuff soon. God bless.


  3. My daughter has taken anti-depressants since high school and will continue with them until she dies. That’s just the way it is for her. She currently takes Effexor and fortunately it makes her drowsy so she takes it right before bedtime each evening. I actually took an anti-anxiety med for about six weeks after I lost my husband. And it was almost two years after he passed before I gave myself permission to laugh and enjoy life again. Almost everyone faces some depression at some point in their life. Glad you are getting help and doing what you need to do to be there for your family. And don’t forget, your family is there for you as are your friends. Keep the faith, Wyatt!


  4. Wyatt,

    I’m glad you will be getting back to work on the book(s), but sad this is the reason you’ll be doing it.

    FWIW, I’ve had recurring insomnia since 1997 (when I first went to Saudi Arabia on a job). I cat-napped for nearly two decades, no matter what I tried to do for a full night’s sleep. Lately though, I seem to be over it. It may have something to do with the current job schedule (7/12’s) or a better brand of single malt Scotch whisky.

    Anyway, stay safe, prayers are with you, my friend.


  5. William – Thank you. I have actually cut down on news sites and talk radio. It angries up the blood.

    Toothy – I always welcome buttinski-ing. I know I snore, and the doc said she’d recommend checking for sleep apnea if the drugs aren’t the problem.

    Metoo – Thanks. I’ve been going through this for a long time, but I felt it was affecting my blogging, so it was time to announce it. At Erik’s communion mass Sunday, I actually forgot the words to the Hail Mary. I got halfway through four times, and couldn’t remember the rest. It was scary.

    TXNick – I had a court case at 8am today. I went to bed at 10pm, woke up at 5:45am, and am now yawning in front of the computer. Worse still, the depression popped me off Atkins. I’m not at a disgusting 210 pounds – I’m 5’9″ – and getting back on the no carb train today.


  6. Wyatt,
    Depression I know nothing about. Now stress is my area of expertise. With age I have learned to just not give a shit. Sticking to sites like yours and not following news sites helps me stay sweet and likable most of the time. You have a family that loves and cares about you so all will be good.
    Take care


  7. Hang in there, dude. All of us are mentally ill in some form or fashion. I think that’s the new definition of normal. You simply have the courage to admit it and deal with it. Kudos to you, and best wishes for you going forward.


  8. Wyatt: I’m glad the melatonin worked out, though I have checked with my receptionist and she says you still haven’t settled up for that office visit. Must be the guilt of that that’s keeping you awake!
    I’ll second Toothy’s recommendation. If you snore, you’re much more prone to sleep apnea.
    (That’s prone, not pr0n!) I’ve got it. A person can stop breathing hundreds of times a night and never know it. A sleep doc can hook you up with a rig you wear to bed one night and find out for sure.

    Are you keeping track of your caffeine intake? Once, when I was working in the office all day and the coffee was free, I’d top my cup off all day, go home, lay down to sleep and buzz like Madonna’s vibrator! I ease off now, drink my own blend of half-decaf and try not to take in any caffeine after 9PM. (8 when I have to get up at 5:30AM). Tally up the number of sodas with caffeine, too. Some of them aren’t as obvious, but they can add up.

    And we all know that alcohol is a depressant, so, moderation in all things.

    See the receptionist on the way out and remember we take Visa, MasterCard and American Express!


  9. Hang in there Wyatt. I could write a book on all sorts of stuff regarding mental health. My therapist told me something that stuck like glue. Every human being should be issued a therapist at birth. We’d all be better off. I actually started going because my audiologist recommended this person for help in treatment of severe tinnitus and hearing loss. Never crossed my mind we’d talk about other stuff, but I haven’t talked about hearing disabilities in ages and the whole thing has helped, so I’m thinking it’s a good thing. The sleep apnea thing is a big deal too. I get my sleep test next Monday night. Odds are I have sleep apnea too. If you are crazy, you certainly are in good company, but crazy is probably not accurate except to say we’re all a little crazy. Like I said – hang in there.


  10. Mike47 – Thank you, sir. Taking it one day at a time. All I can do.

    Mike – What about my Asiana Airlines American Express Card? You can count on one hand the amount of alcoholic drinks I’ve had in the last two years. I am effectively a teetotaler now.

    RG – I took off work Monday night – for a mental health day. The lack of meds combined with the idiocy of the people surrounding me at work had me at a breaking point. I figured it would be easier to take a night off than bulldoze the building to the ground.

    And speaking of tinnitus…


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