True Detective Stories

Yesterday was my first day back to Dante’s Fifth Level of Hell work in four days, and as expected, four days worth of work was left for me.

For some reason, the detectives who run the front desk when I’m off are usually busy doing important things – like shaking candy out of the vending machines, hanging up on complainants, and watching YouTube. This may surprise you, but unlike my personal life, I am a thoroughly responsible person at work, and nothing angries up the blood more than lazy coworkers.

So I sat down at my desk, looked left to see if any hot police babes were in the office – sadly, no – then looked right toward our inbox. There were a few reports lying there – about four – which isn’t bad, considering. Any jobs which are not assigned the night before, or come in after our shift is over, are placed in the squad inbox to be assigned the next day…

I pulled out – heh – the reports and checked the supervisor’s queue. Some reports are sent via the computer when hard copies – heh – are unavailable. The lieutenant had eighteen reports in his queue – EIGHTEEN REPORTS! – some of which went four days without being assigned to a detective.

I immediately shuddered, looked at my desk, and screamed, “WHEN THE F**K ARE MY DEPRESSION MEDS GETTING HERE!!!”

Okay, I didn’t scream it, but I thought it… as a scream.

My shift begins at 3pm, and I was working literally non-stop for almost five hours. Shortly before eight, I looked at my sergeant and said, “I’m caught up! Now I can start entering today’s workload.” I enjoyed a sensible dinner at 8:30pm, and finished the day’s work at 10:10pm.

By the time my shift was over at 11pm, I had entered 37 jobs, which is roughly fifteen more than a usual busy evening.

All this nonsense – the data entry, the brain aneurysms, the threats to burn down the building, and the uncontrollable weeping – could have been avoided if my coworkers stopped rubbing their Glocks and helped a brotha out.


9 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Pretty long when it comes to wasting time, but perhaps you can just have your co-workers view this during their YouTube shifts. Maybe they’d get the hint. The Seven Degrees of Stupid:


  2. Having worked in HR, it is always difficult for those with a great work ethic to curb their frustration at those who continually do the minimum required to stay employed. In some cases that consists of simply placing their butt in a chair and perusing the internet. And, the one consistent thing in HR is those who overachieve do not go unnoticed. And, in most cases, they have integrity and don’t rat their worthless co-workers out unless said co-worker does something particularly egregious. Hang in their, Wyatt. You’re a good man.


  3. DO NOT do this for real. Imagine a huge delete button. Now stomp on it to delete the lazy jerks or anyone else that annoys you. Picture them blowing up when you stomp on the delete button. I repeat DO NOT do this for real.


  4. Wyatt, just so you’re not feeling like the Lone Ranger out there, I have never taken a vacation where any work I hadn’t gotten to before I left wasn’t waiting for me when I got back, just older, with angrier participants.


  5. “…the one consistent thing in HR is those who overachieve do not go unnoticed. ”

    Yeah, and they then give said achievers more work as a reward.


  6. RG – The people in my department have eight degrees.

    Metoo – I let my sergeant know, for when the nastygram comes down from the captain’s office, but that’s as far as I went. I entered the jobs without bitching. Well, without constant bitching.

    Cathy – I’m depressed, not crazy. I will, however, steer some more complicated jobs their way the next time they’re in the office. Maybe about five minutes before their tour is over.

    Mike – I literally said to my sergeant, “I can’t even take a day off.” I’m off tonight for Princess P’s dance recital, and I have no doubt there will be another pile waiting for me tomorrow at 3pm.

    Toothy – More work, same money. :/


  7. Consider it a victory if you return to work after a vacation (or just a weekend) and DON’T find your desk and all your stuff moved without your prior knowledge or consent. Happened to me 3 times in a 24-year career with Uncle Sam.


  8. Mike has a point here. I came back to work once and my entire desk, every drawer, was filled with that expanding foam stuff you use for insulation. I’d been gone long enough it had seeped through all the nooks and crannies and solidified. It was pleasant to be able to thank for co-workers for their thoughtfulness.

    Liked by 1 person

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