True Detective Stories

So yesterday was a rather awful day. The city was cleaning up after the Super Bowl riots celebrations, half my division didn’t bother to show up for work, and the idiots were out in full force.

The first idiot called asking about the status of her theft case. During the brief conversation, the woman kept repeating an odd word choice. For example, the woman’s money was “tooken.” It was “tooken,” you see, by her ex-boyfriend, and she wants to make sure her items are never “tooken” again.

Your Philadelphia public schools at work, folks.

The second idiot called from a Philadelphia public school looking for answers about a job she had. The officer claimed a high schooler brought a cookie to the school, and shared it with his fellow students. The wrapper had a picture of Betty Boop on it, and bragged it has “So much ‘suga,’ it’ll get you high.” And that it did.

Apparently the cookie was chock full of marijuana, and a few students got sick after eating it. The officer wanted to know if the original teen should be arrested for, oh, I don’t know, possession of a narcotic pastry. Or maybe assault with a deadly cookie.

When I asked if the officer was serious, she demanded to speak to a supervisor. I handed that call off.

Below, the obligatory Seinfeld reference…

Look to the cookie!

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Evil cookies got a few cops in Toronto….they ate them on duty and frantically called for help as one of them was stuck in a tree. Assault with a deadly cookie is a very appropriate charge, especially for any cookie with raisins. Yuck.


  2. Cathy – It’s been home all my life, and every day I’m here is a day I want to leave.

    Mike – This is why I can never publish these stories; no one will ever believe they’re true.

    Jenn – Or possibly, oatmeal.


  3. Ronni – I would have been, um, “unpleasant” if I had to babysit the white trash Eagles fans at the parade. Thankfully, I was spared that duty.


  4. Somebody put dope cookies on a plate in the break room at a local Safeway last year. An older lady ended up in the ER before they figured out what had happened.


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