True Detective Stories

In my twenty-four years in law enforcement, there is really only one thing that truly scares me anymore is the telephone. The effects of picking it up run the gamut from wrong numbers to terrifying, idiotic questions. Yesterday I had the latter.

Officer: “Hi, we had a complainant come to the window to report an assault. Should we send the report up to you?”
Me: “That depends. What exactly happened?”

Officer: “Well, this female was walking down the street when an unknown black male walked by her, brushed his hand across her leg, and said, “Nice thighs.”

At this point I both face-palmed and head-desked.

Me: “I’m sorry, but are you f**king kidding me?” (Sadly, those were my actual words.)

Officer: “No, the woman is here and wants to make a police report for assault. We called the Special Victims Unit-”
Officer: “Yes, and they said they wouldn’t take it because the male didn’t tough her genitals.”

Me: “So, let me see if I understand this. A woman is walking down a busy street at a busy intersection in the middle of the day. Some clown brushed past her, blurts out, “Nice thighs,” and you believe this is an assault. Have I got that right?”
Officer: “Yes, and she wants to press charges.”
Me: “She wants to press charges against an unknown man who brushed past her?”
Officer: “Yep.”

Me: “Officer, you sound new, so just send the report up and I’ll deal with it. That said, we work in one of the busiest divisions in the city, and last I checked, we lead the city in shootings. Do you really think a brush-by is the best way to utilize investigative time? People brush past each other on the streets, in the subways, at sporting events, and so on. Should we get arrest warrants for them, too?”
Officer: “I guess I see your point.”

Yeah, I figured she would. This department is swirling the toilet, and I am unable to anything about it.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Are you certain this wasn’t a scene from The Andy Griffith Show with Barney in drag acted out in your precinct for an early April Fools joke? Guess this explains why some of these guys are eating Tide pods.


  2. And remember. If you don’t do something about it Right Now, you are a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, cisgendered, privileged super bad white person! : (


  3. Jim – DAMMIT! I didn’t think off that.

    Cathy – I can officially retire with a half-decent pension next December. But with four kids, I’dd have to get another job. So it’s more like 6-10 years. 😦

    RG – It really is awesome there.

    Ronni – The cop was brand new, and she obviously takes every law literally. Common sense is not common.

    Mike47 – *cue Butthead voice* “Hey baby…”

    William – I’m claiming #Metoo, since this female officer harassed me with her idiocy, and I was all those things before yesterday.


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