True Detective Off-Duty Stories

Since my cardiologist – and my genetics – have essentially declared me unhealthy for anything besides dialing a phone and yelling, I have been working like a dog to get healthy. This week, I walked/jogged five miles twice, both in under an hour. Yesterday’s jaunt was a little more rigorous, because my route was closer to six miles than five.

And also because I ran into a very bizarre situation.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, and while the wind was really brisk, I didn’t want to skip an opportunity to get outside. Five miles in, I was sweating like Michael Moore, and bordering on exhaustion. I had one really tough hill left – which was over freight train tracks – and then smooth, flat sailing home.

As I started up the hill, I noticed a girl about a hundred yards in front of me. I glanced and looked down toward my path. My music was playing and I was just trying to get home. The girl seemed about high school age, and she was walking while I jogged. As I got closer, she turned around, saw me, and started sprinting. I thought that odd because 1. she was wearing skinny jeans (not a great choice for running) and 2. we were in the middle of a very busy street with passersby and cars passing frequently.

I mean, I don’t THINK I look like a predator. I look like a conservative Alec Baldwin, just swelled…

So, at the top of the hill, I walk a few yards to catch my breath before sprinting the downhill. The girl stopped running maybe twenty yards ahead of me, and looked behind to see me again. As she does, I start my downhill, and boom, she starts sprinting again.

Now I’m thinking, “What the hell is wrong with this chick? Does she think I’m going to attack her?”

SIDEBAR: First of all, attacking, assaulting, raping someone is arguably the most despicable crime someone can perform. Second of all, I’ll be fifty years old in April, and she was wearing skinny jeans. I have neither the time, nor the strength to catch a teenager, rip off painted-on jeans, and sexually assault her. Third, and most importantly, I don’t own a van, I despise shag carpet, and I do not have a cheesy mustache. Why the f**k is she thinking I’m Kobe Bryant?

I continue my run down the hill and catch up to her at the stop light. (Apparently next time she should ditch the skinny jeans in favor of sweatpants.) Now self-conscious, I don’t look at her, say nothing, and when the light changes, I continue my jog. She either stood at the light or turned at the intersection, because that was the last I saw of her.

I’m only posting about this because I am still very confused. I don’t believe I gave off any “signals” while I was jogging. I usually keep my eyes on the road – less I roll an ankle – and listen to my music. I did look at her when she looked at me, but I was jogging in her direction.

The #MeToo movement has people thinking rapists are under the bed, but if they think I am going to cross the street when I see a female, they are out of their cotton pickin’ minds. I am not going to apologize for jogging past someone on a public street. Lunatics.

10 thoughts on “True Detective Off-Duty Stories

  1. Evidently she wasn’t looking for a daddy figure. Besides, what attacker is going to put on jogging clothing, be listening to music, running and sweating like butcher when planning an attack? Seems like a lot of extra work to me.

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  2. Ronni – And as we all know, I am very, very lazy.

    Cathy – It’s so ridiculous. The youth of America is going to run this country into the sewer.

    TXNick – And with leftists what they are, you only need an accusation to have your life ruined. I truly hope Kyle never, ever dates. Ever.

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  3. Wyatt, some of us are cursed, giving off a testosterone fog, which can extend the length of a football field. She obviously wasn’t afraid you would attack her, but she was afraid that if you got any closer, she might throw herself at you and jump your bones.

    I’ve lost track of how many times that’s happened to me!

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  4. Mike – I’m almost sure that’s it. She took a look at my rock hard ass and had to flee immediately.

    Mike F. – Maybe. Is Candid Camera still around?

    MelP – Which would be great if she was college-aged, but high school? Ick.

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