Crazy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

As many of you know, the past few months have been… trying. There was Kyle’s summer lacrosse tournaments and subsequent visits to college campuses, my heart palpitations, the hospital visit, and the ensuing heart monitor, and the prostate cancer scare.

The bacon bits sprinkled onto this crap salad has been the stress of Christmas, and the fact we are moving my mother into a residence this weekend because her memory is fading fast.

As a result, I have a few bad days interspersed between the good ones. By that I mean, there are some days where I feel the depression creeping back in. I am not at that threshold yet, but since I share pretty much everything here, I wanted to make a note of it.

While shopping Saturday, I stopped in the parking lot and cried for five minutes. I have no idea why, but I think it was the stress of the day. It was the only time in the last six months where I thought to reach for the Zoloft. I truly believe this is the culmination of my health problems, and I was never able to stop and take in all the bad news. That’s my m.o. – I hold things inside until the kettle boils, and when it does, I kinda lose it, emotionally.

I got past it, and for the most part I’m having many more good days than bad. I also know if it gets to be too much, I’m headed to the psychiatrist again.

The fact I haven’t been able to walk/jog for nearly two weeks because of the weather doesn’t help, either.

The reason I mention this is because I have been more or less scarce on the blog. I’ve been trying to respond to comments and such, but honestly, it hasn’t been a priority. Today is my last day before my two-week Christmas vacation, so I should be back to normal very soon.

Again, this isn’t a cry for help or sympathy; it’s to let you know I understand what’s going on inside my head and I am addressing it.

21 thoughts on “Crazy Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

  1. I think God has put you here for a purpose, my friend. Remember you have three children and a wife who love you very much. And all of us deputies give a hoot or two also. Stay strong, stay intact. You are loved.

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  2. You’re lucky, Wyatt! I have no idea what’s going on in my head half the time. However, I can tell from the looks I receive from time to time that others have a darn good idea what is going on in there. Keep your chin up, kid! Enjoy your Christmas holiday time off!

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  3. Sorry to hear about your mother. Lost my mother back in 2004. : (
    I know it sounds trite; but none the less it is true. This too shall pass.

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  4. I know how you feel, this year has been pretty shitacular for me too. Hang in there, and don’t forget to reach out to your in-person friends for support. Sometimes talking about it to a friendly face helps, at least it does for me. I hope it gets better.

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  5. TXNick – My purpose is to share my fabulous sarcasm with the world. šŸ™‚

    Ronni – Six and a half hours to go. Not that I’m clock-watching or anything.

    Mark – Christmas Eve and Christmas are brutal in terms of being exhausted, but I’ll be good by Christmas night.

    William – I know. My maternal grandmother had Alzheimer’s, and a few months after she went into a home, she had no idea who I was. Apparently it’s genetic. I don’t want to go out like that.

    Phillip – I’ll be okay. It’s a speed bump, and if I hit another one, I’ll call the shrink. Two years of terrible depression is not something I want to go through ever again.

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  6. Wyatt, you are introspective enough to realize that you are being hit with a bunch of crap right now. This too shall pass, my friend. Stop and cry in the parking lot if you need too because this is better than keeping everything bottled up inside. God has given you some wonderful fruits of the spirit, and you should continue to use those fruits to nurture yourself and others. You are also blessed with amazing friends and family. I can tell you from experience that your mother’s new home will provide her with the daily care she needs, which will free you to emotionally support her as needed and able. It is a blessing to have this resource.

    Merry Christmas, Wyatt! And have a blessed New Year!

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  7. Wyatt: Just know that you are not alone…worst year of my life, medically, but I reckon the Good Lord isn’t quite ready for me, yet, so it’s just a matter of ‘keep on keeping on…’As far as the exercise goes, ?local YMCA? Treadmill…

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  8. Doc – It’s supposed to rain tomorrow but it’s my first day of vacation so I may jog anyway. I’m officially at 339.4 miles (546 km) for the year, and I want to keep ahead of my prostate issues.

    The scale read 190.2 today, which was my weight in the police academy 24 years ago. I’d be happier at 180, but I’ll take it.

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  9. It sucks that you’re struggling, Wyatt, but it’s good that you can recognize it and know that steps you need to take. I’m going through PTSD and depression right now and wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Life is a struggle sometimes, but there is also joy. Trying to find that joy is harder some days than others. I sincerely wish you all the peace and happiness possible this Christmas.

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  10. Wyatt, I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my friend about 15 years ago when her husband passed away: I can’t promise it’ll get better, but it will get easier. A couple of years ago, she told me I was right & it gave her a little better perspective.

    And on the up side, at least your ass is perfectly healthy, so no colostomy bag for you.

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