True Detective Stories

Today I will be spending my tour getting re-certified for CPR. Normally I despise classroom training, but considering the debacle which occurred in our division Thursday, I really needed to get away.

Like every division in the city, our unit has a domestic violence unit. Our unit is comprised of two females who work days and two males who work nights. The males are hard-working detectives who do their jobs without complaint. The females? Not so much.

On Thursday, two officers came in with an arrest for assault on police. The officers responded to a domestic call, where the grandfather claimed the grandson threatened to kill him. The grandfather said he did not feel safe with the grandson in his home, and the officers tried to mediate the situation. The grandson apparently lost it, charged to officers, and started punching, kicking, and biting them.

The offender was arrested and transported to the division.

The case was assigned to the aforementioned females, because the officers initially responded to the domestic call, and the grandfather was brought in as a witness to the threats and the assault on police. The officers brought the paperwork to them, and moments later, the officers returned.

“The domestic unit said they’re not handling this.”

I looked at them in disbelief. “I’m sorry, what?”

The officer replied, “They claim they only handle ‘romantic incidents.”

In nearly twenty-five years on this job I have never heard that expression before. Ever. The domestic unit is “supposed” to handle any incident where a domestic relationship is involved. Husband and wife, parent and child, brother and sister, etc. I informed my sergeant, and when she recovered from the stupidity of the decision, she walked back to their office.

Both “ladies” were sitting at their desks, playing on their phones. Apparently they were too busy playing Angry Birds to do their jobs. The sergeant confronted them, and being human slugs, they reiterated their idiotic new rules. The sergeant notified their lieutenant, who – naturally – stuck up for his precious slugs.

So, for the time being, any domestic jobs which are not “romantic” will be handled by the line squad. It’s amazing, we have two missing person detectives who do not handle active missing person jobs, and two domestic detectives who do not handle domestics.

I cannot retire soon enough.

4 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Perhaps soon, perhaps you’ll have homicide detectives that don’t do homicides. Maybe to keep it professional, they’ll handle homicides they personally witness.

    I retired three years early because I finally said enough was enough. I’ve often wondered if I’d be alive if I’d waited those three years. I sure would have a LOT more money. Money isn’t everything though. I hope you can escape soon. Get to Texas or Arizona. If you want to get away from a lot of crap, move to Wyoming. You might need to like wind though.

    Hang in there…


  2. It’s all in the definition, thanks to Bill Clinton. I’m with you; I’m ready to retire too with all the crap going on around college campuses these days.


  3. RG – Ten years. Seems way too long. I hate this job, this department, and the special snowflakes which occupy it.

    Ronni – It helps the detectives are of the privileged class. At least someone in the division posted the news on the bulletin board with the phrase from Office Space: “What would you say, you do here?”

    TXNick – I can’t go until Kevin and Julia are in college. Thee second I retire, though, I’m headed southwest.


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