True Detective Stories

So, let me tell you about my Friday night.

One of the main avenues in my section of the city was being repaved – at 2pm on a Friday afternoon – so instead of a twenty-five minute trip to work, it took me forty-five minutes. It goes without saying when I walked into the office – late – the temperature was a chilly 82 degrees. Oh well, at least we had five detectives instead of the previous day’s four.

What? A detective called out sick? Awesome!

The night played out as planned: robberies, domestic assaults, gunshots, drugs, dogs and cats living together, when an officer came to my desk with something odd.

The cop had a sheet of paper in his hand, and said, “The supervisor wants me to ask what information you have on this incident.” The paper was a teletype message for a job where a 75-year old man apparently jumped out his window, breaking his arms. The time out for the job was during our shift Thursday night…

I read it once, then twice, then thrice. After taking a deep breath, I replied, “I was working last night. Can you explain why no one called us from the scene of this apparent suicide attempt?!!” And then it happens.

“Well,” the cop began. “I was the officer who responded to the scene…”


“Hold on a second. Your supervisor wants information from us about a job YOU handled? Are you kidding me, dude?”

As if sensing the impending brain aneurysm, my lieutenant interjected. “Officer, you responded to this incident, correct?”

“Yes sir, “the cop replied.

“Okay, what did you do when you arrived?”

“Well sir, we saw the man lying on the ground with injuries, so we called for rescue. The man said someone was holding him hostage inside the house, so he jumped out the window. We coded the incident a hospital case, then resumed patrol.”

(Laughs.) “Okay officer, did you bother to check out the man’s story? Did you enter the house to see if there was evidence of a hostage situation?”

“No sir.”

(Laughs again.) “Okay officer, how about this, did the man seem like he had any mental problems or dementia?” [The man was allegedly 75 years old.]

“He didn’t seem quite right, sir, and his wife came out and said there was no hostage situation.”

The lieutenant, having had quite enough, finally relents. “Okay officer, go back to the district and write a report detailing everything the man and woman said, as well what you observed at the scene. If your supervisor wants any more information, have him ask you, since YOU were there and WE were not.”

Retirement cannot come soon enough.

5 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I have on occasion worked with some idiots but this guy takes the cake. I am really amazed that the lieutenant kept his cool while dealing with this incompetent boob!


  2. Cathy – When I was first promoted, one of the old-timers told me after six months, you’ll hate cops. I didn’t believe him, but sure enough, there are a ton of officers in my division who are stupid, lazy, or both.

    Ronni – He’s usually a very good-natured guy, but he’s also not one to suffer fools.


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