True Detective Stories

Yesterday I was minding my own business, sitting at my desk in 81 degree heat, waiting for my impending death – or end of shift, whichever came first. The phone rang, and like an idiot, I answered it. It was yet another misstep in a career full of missteps.

The officer on the other line had less than a year on the street and her partner also had less than a year’s experience. In days gone by, you would put a rookie with a veteran so they can learn the job, and not annoy, say, detectives, with stupid questions. Here is their story:

10:03am – Female officer calls and states she has two victims of assault. Both the man and the woman have small lacerations and bruises obtained during a mutual fight. It is not a domestic situation, just an argument between coworkers. The officer actually says, “Which do we lock up?”

I impolitely reply, “No idea. I’m not there, and it seems a mutual fight would mean neither one is arrested. So I suggest you call your supervisor to the scene to make a determination.”

11:30am – Male partner calls, over an hour later, and states both combatants are at the hospital, being treated for their injuries received in a mutual fight. The officer states both the woman and the male will need stitches, so it is an aggravated assault. Again, the question arises, “Who do we lock up?”

I ask this officer if a supervisor ever arrived, and he said yes, but the supervisor would not give them advice. I replied, “Then you’re 0-2, because I am still not there and I cannot make a determination. It’s been an hour and a half. This job should have been done by now. Make a decision, or re-call your supervisor.”

12:15pm – Male officer calls again – he has my name, so he specifically asks for me – and states, “We’re locking up the male.” I reply, “Okay, why did you choose the male?”

Wait for it…

“Because he’s the guy.”

(See above facepalm for my reaction.) “So wait, both people assaulted each other, both have similar injuries, and you are arresting the male simply because he’s a male?” The officer was silent. “Look dude, you can do what you want, but if you think that reasoning will make it past the D.A.’s office, I wish you luck. You need to bring these people up here a.s.a.p. so we can get the paperwork processed. I mean, it’s been over two hours for this nonsense.”

2:30pm – Four and a half hours after the initial call, there is still no sign of the officers, combatants, or the paperwork. Shift’s over. Good luck, with that debacle night shift.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. At least you managed to dodge the paperwork bullet on that one. I honestly don’t know how you keep your cool when talking with these newbies. (that is the nicest word I could come up with)


  2. “81 degree heat”
    Dude, I don’t want to imply anything about the East Coast in general, or Philadelphia cops in particular, but that’s generally what I set my AC to in the summertime.
    You know, for those times when it…gets hot! Nothing like working outside or in the garage and walking inside to a cool 81 degree house!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thanks for the chuckles…. sorry they were at your expense.

    And if you think 81 is hot for mid-July, wait until you get down to Dallas in the spring for a UD lacrosse game. 🙂 I think we typically surpass that temperature in February. (Just kidding.)


  4. Ronni – My sergeant said the same thing. I told him, “It’s my last day, I’m feeling generous.” When I go back Saturday night, I’ll have to find out what poor sap got the job.

    Proof – It was 91 outside with a heat index of 94. Last week, the city gave us a new a/c system. It worked for nine days. Our westward windows open, but the south ones were sealed a decade ago, so we have no cross breeze. 81 isn’t too terrible, though, because in August, it got to 89 in the office. Natch, we have to keep our sleeves down and ties on. Professionalism, and all that.

    TXNick – It was 81 in the office, but 91 outside. Air conditioning died, so the only breeze is the hot air from the cops.


  5. Reminds me of my crazy ex-girlfriend back in the 90’s. The wench harassed and stalked me for months, but I knew, KNEW, that if I filed a complaint, I was the one going to end up with their ass in a sling. : (


  6. Cathy – Your patients don’t have patience.

    William – For years – YEARS – the department always arrested the male in domestic cases where both were injured. It wasn’t publicized, but that was the word from on high.


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