When you’re a member of a big-city police department, there are always a few employees who are not exactly high caliber. This is true in any profession, but it’s slightly more disheartening when your job is keeping people safe.
On Sunday, we had to deal with Officer Steroids; a hulking man whose sleeves are always one flex away from tearing. Officer Steroids has been on the job for about thirty years, and sadly, the man still cannot write a coherent police report. I guess his rippling muscles,stop the blood flow to his underdeveloped brain.
The officer called the division Sunday and explained he was out at a burglary scene. Apparently, the offenders entered the residence, grabbed the victim’s car keys and stole two vehicles. Officer Steroids – again who has thirty years on the job – asked a question anyone who ever watched Law & Order would be able to answer:
“Do I write one report for the burglary, or three for the burglary, and the two cars stolen?”
It was then that I grabbed a glass of hemlock and chugged it down…
“The vehicles were taken in a burglary, so there is only one report, and note the vehicle information in the description area.”
“Just one report?”
“Yes officer, one report.”
Two hours later, Officer Steroids arrived at the division with all the pertinent paperwork. Why it took him two hours to drive five miles is beyond me, but whatever. He dropped the paperwork on my desk and it appeared to be many pages. He tried to walk away, and I stopped him immediately.
“Hey, what is all this?”
Officer Steroids replied, “It’s the burglary report, and two stolen auto reports.”
Reaching for another delicious glass of hemlock, I sternly responded, “I specifically told you this was one report. ONE. I even repeated it so you would remember.”
Officer Steroids tried to protest, and I stopped him immediately. “You dropped three sets of numbers for one job, so you’re making your detective write three reports for no reason.”
Steroids then informed me his district already did the stolen auto reports, which meant they would not be added to the burglary, which meant they would not come up as “Guard for Prints” when they were recovered. So congratulations, Officer Jackass, you are literally the dumbest person in the department.