True Detective Stories

After the adjustment to my work schedule, this is my sixth and final day before two glorious days off. The break cannot come at a more opportune time since I am literally surrounded by morons. You may remember Diego the Idiot Detective from the last episode of TDS. On Saturday, he out-dumbed himself; which I assumed was impossible.

One of the other detectives asked Diego to put together a photo array for a victim’s attacker. Photo arrays are rather simple tasks; you need to submit eight mug shots – the offender and seven others wo look similar to the offender. For example, you cannot show a photo array of three white males and five black males. Or you cannot show seven women and one man. In short, the photos cannot be prejudicial, and they cannot make the offender seem glaringly obvious.

Luckily, Diego the Idiot Detective was on the case…

Diego shuffled back to his desk and began his arts and crafts. About ten minutes later, the detective who asked for Diego’s help yelled, “Diego, are you an idiot?!!”

Naturally I had to walk over and see what Diego did this time, and the results shocked even me. Diego put together a photo array containing the offender and seven other white males. At first glance, I thought, “Okay, not bad.” Then I scanned the actual mug shots, and started laughing.

The offender was a male in his mid-40’s, clean shaven with brown hair. The first two photos were white males who were clearly in their 50’s, one with a trimmed gray beard, and another whose beard was so long the assigned detective claimed he looked like ZZ Top.

The third photo was a man in his 40’s, but he was nearly bald. The fourth photo looked exactly like the detective who sits next to the assigned, so I guess it’s possible the victim could claim that particular detective was the man who assaulted her.

In short, the photo array was as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Naturally, Diego was offended by our immediate and necessary mocking, and claimed he believed he did a good job. The assigned detective agreed… by tearing up the array and tossing it into the wastebasket.

6 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I would love to see how Diego would have handled the witness picking the detective as the person who assaulted her. That would have been priceless, I’m guessing. I don’t think Diego is bright enough to be a porch light.

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  2. Proof – There was an old timer in the division when I was first promoted who would allegedly hold the array with one hand and his thumb pressed against the offender’s photo. They had other detectives show arrays for him after it was discovered.

    MelP – I know, right? When I moved my group days, it put me in the same group as this dolt. So now I can enjoy him every… single… day.

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