Christmas Is Canceled

An unknown woman captured video of Santa Claus surfing on New York City’s East River Wednesday, fueling speculation Santa has lost his marbles. Even though he survived the ordeal, the pollution alone may kill him before the 25th.

Shortly after 8 a.m. on Wednesday, an Area Woman spotted something strange on the East River: Not the Hell Gate opening up to rain ghosts down upon unsuspecting ferry commuters, nor an overlarge Florida bird floating along on the current. No, this was something stranger. It was a Santa performing feats previously unknown to the Santa species: Surfing around on the river’s non-waves, apparently having a ball in the cold drizzly gloom.

According to various firsthand reports, Santa continued cruising until 9-ish at least, despite conditions being abjectly bleak. It is presently unclear how, exactly, this Santa managed to stay afloat: Redditors have suggested an electrofoil, or a jetfoil surfboard, which…sure, seems plausible.

My question, though, is not so much how as WHY? Why is this Santa spending his Wednesday morning scooting around on a surfless board, amid 30-something-degree temps and the beginnings of a disheartening wintry mix?

Look Santa, I’m a big fan of yours, but I would rather not tell my children you died doing something stupid, like stepping into the East River.

2 thoughts on “Christmas Is Canceled

  1. One of my daughters lives a few blocks from the East River. Human contact should not be attempted by anybody even somebody magical like Santa.


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