On Friday night, we were more than a little shorthanded. Two detectives were on vacation, one was at the pistol range, and another is on military leave. One other was leaving after the first half of the shift was over – using vacation time – so we were blessed with four detectives on the floor.
In the span of the eight-hour shift, we handled two commercial robberies, a sudden death, and a police involved shooting. None of those jobs were as stressful as the dreck Officer Lurch brought in. Officer Lurch was born and raised in some diesel-soaked Eastern European hell hole, so he’s a little sketchy on the finer points of police work.
Like the difference between a drunk and an assaulter.
Lurch walked in, and dropped paperwork on my desk. I’m no fan of Lurch, because he’s an arrogant dolt, so I asked him what he had. Lurch claimed it was an assault on police. Since there is a procedure for assaults on cops, I asked him if he completed the ten or so items on the checklist. Lurch was 0-for-10…
So you didn’t notify us, you didn’t hold the scene, didn’t bring up any witnesses, etc., etc.? Lurch nodded silently, as he was likely wondering if he had any edible paste in his car.
I called my supervisor over, and he read the report. The boss is always great with things like these, because he breaks people down so easily.
“Okay man, I read this thing, and it says this man was highly intoxicated, is that right? Because if so, what exactly are you arresting him for? I ask that because nowhere in this report does it say the offender assaulted an officer.”
Lurch: “The man was threatening Officer Brown, and he grabbed her arm when she approached him.”
“Grabbed her arm? And you think that constitutes assault on police? Were there any injuries to Officer Brown. Hold on, where IS Officer Brown?”
Lurch: “She’s on patrol. We made the arrest, so we didn’t need her.”
“You didn’t need her? She is your alleged victim. (Laughs.) Look man, this is what we’re going to do. You’re going to rewrite this report, remove anything about assault on police – since it never happened – and write the offender threatened the officer. We’ll arrest him for that, okay?”
Lurch: “Uh okay.”
There goes the next police commissioner. It’s a miracle I don’t drink.