True Detective Stories

In nearly twenty-six years of police work, I have received an untold amount of bizarre phone calls from the public. I’ve handled everything from “Do I have a warrant, because if I do, I want to leave the city,” to “Can you send someone out to check our smoke detectors?” So yeah, I’ve basically heard it all.

Well, not exactly all…

A man called yesterday the moment I sat at my desk. I answered politely – the first call of the day is always polite; every other one, well, varies – and the man wanted to ask me a question. The man’s question was not stupid or bizarre; it was just odd, ans it was a question I have never, ever been asked.

“Yes, what is the name of your department’s first deputy commissioner.”

If you’ve ever seen the meme with the guy blinking repeatedly, that was me at that moment. I mean, we almost have more high-ranking brass than officers, and keeping track of them is an impossible task.

“Um, I honestly do not know. I know the name of our commissioner, but I do not know the names of deputy commissioners.”

Assuming the man likely thought I was either lying or simply ignorant, I gave him my sincere, brutally honest explanation. “Sir, I come to work, do my job, and do my best to steer clear of bosses. I don’t want them to know me, and I don’t want to know them.”

The answer must have somewhat satisfied the man, who replied, “Okay, thank you,” before hanging up.

UPDATE: Dude just called again today to ask me the same question! Am I on Candid Camera?