True Detective Stories

Now I know I say this often, but it is true now as it was months ago: I hate this job, and I hate a good amount of my coworkers. “Now gee, Wyatt, you cannot possibly be serious.” Actually, I am, and I will illustrate exactly why in the course of this post.

Yesterday I walked into the division and it was a ghost town. The only people on the floor were the captain’s aide and me. I put my drinks in the fridge, headed to my desk and was told, “Um, they’re fumigating the floor. One of our coworkers tested positive for the Wuhan virus, so you have to go outside while they’re disinfecting the building.”

So my day was already off to a terrible start.

Maybe fifty people – cops and detectives – are standing in a small parking lot, entirely too close, for a half hour while the city “cleaned” the building. Everyone was talking about the coworker who tested positive, and the two others who spent an hour in a car with him during a job. The coworker is now officially off for two weeks, as well as two other members of the division…

Like most workplaces, information spreads quickly. I started receiving text messages from coworkers almost immediately, asking what I knew and when I knew it. I explained one person tested positive, and that was all I really knew.

For the next half hour, I fielded dozens of text messages from people in my squad ranging from “Do we still have to come to work?” to “Is anyone in our squad sick?” I relayed what I was told by the bosses. We’re still working, no one in our squad is officially sick, and everyone is expected to report at their designated time.

You would have thought I asked them to report to the gas chambers.

Two coworkers were especially obnoxious in their correspondence:

The first coworker sent a string of very long, profanity-laced texts, ranting that he worked with the sick coworker during the 12-hour shifts a few weeks ago. He claimed since he was in the same building as this worker, he should be quarantined. I wanted to say, “That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works!” but I assumed it was a futile gesture. The coworker said he wouldn’t be coming in Tuesday night, because he feels he needs to be quarantined, despite having no test taken, and no symptoms.

The second coworker called and immediately demanded to speak to the lieutenant. The coworker said he decided he was going to “self-quarantine” – as if that’s a thing – because he also worked in the same building as the sick person. This coworker said he’ll be off for two weeks, and would be back afterward.

Now I’d like to address a few points about this entire situation. First, and most importantly, I believe the Wuhan virus is a serious matter. That said, the virus is also nowhere near as deadly as it has been reported, at least according to the statistics. If you are actually sick, obviously seek medical attention and stay home.

Second, these two coworkers are not exactly model employees, and usually are the first two to bitch when they don’t get their way. In my opinion, both of them heard someone they interacted with tested positive, and they used that as a springboard to give themselves two weeks off sick. No one else in the squad made that decision – yet – just these two.

Third, let’s say the two coworkers above are looking for two weeks off from work. What happens if, after fourteen days off, they come back and catch the Wu-Flu? Then they’re looking at fourteen more days off sick. If they want to burn their sick time, that’s on them, but it seems like a half-assed plan.

Finally, we’re working four-hour precautionary shifts to lessen our exposure to a room full of detectives. Having these two dopes go off sick screws the rest of the squad. Instead of four detectives working during a shift, it’ll be three, and these two should be ashamed of themselves.

I can only speak for myself, but I was raised to embrace a strong work ethic. I don’t take sick days if I’m not sick, I don’t take vacation days if I don’t need them, and as I told my lieutenant yesterday, they’ll need the SWAT team to drag me away from my desk. That’s not a brag, it’s just the truth.

If I catch the Wuhan virus, I’ll obviously go off sick and seek medical treatment. I am not, by any means, leaving my post because someone in another squad tested positive. It’s not fucking happening.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Wyatt: You have been infected with PWE-1 (Puritan Work Ethic). It is not highly contagious but some people have developed a lifelong immunity to it. It is typically transmitted via heredity, father to son. If you have contracted the disease, there is a strong possibility your children will be infected, too.
    There is no cure.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I had PWE-1 a long time ago. It turned out that if I had it long enough, I got infected with DGAS-1 (Don’t Give A Shit) so eventually, I worked hard, for myself and nobody else, and spent as much time as I could hiding in a corner avoiding all others. I retired 4 months past my 62nd birthday, losing thousands of dollars had I worked longer. I have never NEVER been happier and DGAS about that money and have never looked back. Getting the F out of the job was first and foremost. I sure have had a lot of fun in the last 8+ years. Time for more adventures.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There is anecdotal evidence that large doses of welfare can cure PWE-1, but most experts say those cured may not have had the genuine disease. Congratulations on your recovery, though I suspect you may still be a carrier!


      1. If you have PWE-1, it’s pretty certain you can try hard to rid yourself of the disease, but most true carriers never get rid of it. A few moments of insanity bring on bouts of DGAS-1 now and then, but it always runs its course and the PWE-1 sprouts its ugly head.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. MelP – Truer words were never spoken.

    Proof – I tell my squad “I hate this f**king place” nearly five times a day. It’s basically become a meme. That said, I still come in fifteen minutes early every day, do my job to the best of my ability, and run out of the place the second it’s quitting time. This is not a very difficult job, so you should not be difficult while doing it.

    RG – I always say I DGAS, but I’m always here and always working, so I guess I’m a big fat liar.

    Oh, by the way, the first coworker who called out, he told my supervisors, “It’s okay, Wyatt said I could take the two weeks off sick.” My lieutenant called me after work – I was jogging – and asked if that was true. I almost went to this coworker’s house to beat him senseless.


  4. And now you know that one of your co-workers is definitely a liar with zero work ethic. I always appreciate when these idiots confirm what I suspect to be true of them.


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