True Detective Stories

In the last twenty-five-plus years, I have seen many changes to my police department. Sadly, most of said changes have been detrimental to the department and the profession at large. The decision which angers me the most is when police supervisors force brand new cops to work the operations room.

The operations room is the hub of any police district. It receives and codes all police reports, sends the pertinent teletype messages, and assigns officers to their vehicles and patrol sectors. The district downstairs is one of the busiest in the city, so you need “inside people” who know what they’re doing.

What you don’t do is assign a female to the operations room because she’s “cute.”

Thursday night, this girl – quite literally a little girl; she looked like she was twelve – dropped a report on my desk. It was coded a robbery, so I needed to go over it before it was assigned to a detective. Two sentences in, I assumed this chick never wrote a police report in her life…

A hearing-impaired man came to the district, and had to relate his tale of woe by writing everything down. According to this broad’s translation, the man’s story went as follows:

“The man entered the T-Mobile store and was approached by an employee, a white male named “Kyle.” After a few moments, the man and the employee got into an argument, and – get this – the employee pulled out a handgun, pointed it at the man, and took $84 and his cellphone. The employee then fled the scene with the money and the phone.”

So, I stopped reading, rubbed my eyes, and read it again. Yeah, it read exactly the same, so I wasn’t crazy. I showed the report to my lieutenant, and after reading it, he said, “This is a joke, right? You’re pranking me?”

“No sir, this is how the girl downstairs wrote it up.”

“So the guy claims he was robbed by a T-Mobile employee, point of gun, while wearing a name tag, inside the store, which isn’t supposed to be open, and there are no witnesses?”

“That’s how it reads, yes.”

The lieutenant told me to not do anything with the report and went downstairs to see if this female officer was drunk, stupid, or both. A few minutes later, the lieutenant came back and said, “Yeah, she’s a little… confused. We’re making this unfounded. Apparently the guy makes the exact same report every few weeks. He’s a mental case.”

The best part is in ten years, this girl with be police commissioner.

12 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Enough stupidity! I had an idea for getting rid of this virus. It’s simple. What If someone proves that Ginsburg is dead. We need a new Supreme Court judge. Dems heads explode and the virus is yesterdays news.


  2. RG – It was pouring today with heavy, dangerous winds. At 9am we had a homicide… because this town sucks.

    Cathy – Now that’s a plan I can get behind!


  3. Well, Wyatt, in ten years, you’ll be safely retired, or that’s the plan. Anecdote time: My wife’s oldest friend worked 40 years in the Philly public school system as a Special Ed fill-in, meaning she could get sent anywhere. Finally, she retired. Now, she says she gets up in the morning, has her tea on the porch, and watches, on television, the implosion of Our Fair City’s public education system.
    Stay safe.


  4. J-Dub – Also yes.

    Lergnom – My maximum is seven years. Julia will be out of high school by then. I’d like to be gone by then. I was considering signing this year, but the Wuhan Flu screwed that up. The only reason I’d stay longer is for the insurance bennies.


  5. Damn if I was going to report a false robbery, it is going to be huge. Like some firearms or at least my golf clubs so I can get insurance to buy me some new ones.


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