True Detective Stories

So let me tell you about my weekend. Friday night was awesome for the first six hours of the tour. We barely had any calls, the cops left us alone, and I was able to catch up on my workload. Then 9:30 came along.

In a span of ten minutes we received calls for a mother who allegedly left her two-year child in an alleyway, a man who shot himself in the leg when his gun “went off, for like, no reason,” and a “burglary” where the victim claims someone took $22,500 cash from the residence.

Job #1. The mother of the child claimed she dropped the child off to the babysitter in an alleyway. The mother then claimed she didn’t know the name of the babysitter, and had no idea where said alleyway was located. When she was asked questions, she refused to cooperate with the detectives. We assumed the child was already dead.

Job #2. Mr. NRA was walking down the stairs with his loaded gun in a holster in his pants. As he came down the stairs, the gun “magically” went off, like I used to do during dates in college.

Job #3. The victim claimed someone entered her residence, took her iPhones and Apple watches – plural – plus, her stash of $22,500 in cash, which she kept in her bedroom. Apparently her house gives out better interest rates than say, a bank.

There’s more idiocy below the fold…

Job #1. Mommy was apparently binge drinking all day, and was so hammered that she forgot the name of the babysitter, the location where she actually gave the child to the babysitter, and forgot she had babysitter’s number in her phone. The detective plugged in the dead phone and in a few minutes the babysitter called Mother of the Year. The babysitter related mom dropped off the baby to her, and she told mom – multiple times – she was taking the child to New Jersey to get away from the ‘hood.

The babysitter admitted mom drinks like Malory Archer, but apparently Friday night was the worst she’s been. The child is fine, medically, but still has to live with this drunken stumble bum.

Job #2. Mr. NRA shot himself in the leg, was transported to the hospital, and should be okay. His gun was “liberated” from his idiocy and is not at the Firearms Investigation Unit.

Job #3. The victim’s residence – which is definitely not a drug house – was processed, and the detective found it odd the cash and the Apple items were taken, but the TVs and other electronics were untouched. Hmm…

Oh, and I saved the worst for last. At about 5pm Saturday, we had a call for a hospital case. Apparently a two-month old was found dead in the residence. The officers believe the death is “suspicious.”

I hate this job.

6 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. That sounds rough. Before I got below the fold, I was wondering if all the iPhones and watches and cash had been recently liberated from a Target store.


  2. This blog reminds me of the best true crime book I ever read: Homicide: A Year on the Killing Streets, by Sam Simon. Simon got incredible access to the Baltimore City Homicide Squad for a whole year. That book really opened my eyes. People killing each other over nothing, overworked detectives getting ground down day after day, watching Baltimore gradually destroy itself. And it came out 30 years ago.

    So. It’s great writing, and I hope you manage to retire and get out as soon as you can. Then I hope you put it all behind you. Philly doesn’t deserve you anymore, if it ever did. Keep on keeping on until that beautiful day when you can hold up two middle fingers to the city govt. and your vapid superiors, and the idiots you have to contend with, in the force and out.


  3. The only thing I keep concluding from various posts is that within a few years, Philly will be another Detroit. Once I had that figured out, I started wondering how you’ll ever escape if you can’t sell your house because Philly has become Mogadishu East. Then, I conclude that you should either sell your place now and rent until you retire, or you should just check out as fast as possible. Regardless, it’s not my life, so ignore me and just stay safe and healthy until you can leave.


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