True Detective Stories

They’re getting… dumber.

On Saturday evening, we heard a call over the radio for a domestic assault which appeared to evolve into a robbery. The officers who responded were both rookies, who have a total amount of three months on the job. Sadly, no veteran rode in to check on them.

Anyway, the job was dispatched around 8pm, and despite the incident occurred a few blocks from the division, it took these geniuses over an hour to arrive at my desk. The officer had a pile of paperwork, so I asked, “What is this?” The rookie “responded” by holding out the paperwork, expecting me to take it. I asked, “I’m not sorting through all your paperwork. I just want to know what kind of job this is. It’s not difficult.”

The rookie replies, “It’s a domestic.” Sighing, I take the paperwork and notice the report is coded as a robbery, so I inquire again, “Is this a robbery or a domestic assault, because downstairs coded it a robbery.”

“Um, it’s both,” the rookie replies.

I mutter, “Jesus Christ,” and motion to my supervisor, “Sarge, can you intervene here?”

My sergeant, who has much more patience that I, asks the officer to explain what happened during this job. The officer sorts through his paperwork and reads the story he wrote minutes before. Thee sergeant stops him, and asks, “Officer, who wrote this report?” The officer replies, “I did, sir.” The sergeant then asks, “If you wrote the report, why do you have to refer to your notes? Do you not know what happened?

The officer stares him.

“Officer, do you not understand the question?” The dolt replies, “Um, it’s a domestic robbery.”

In a complete impulse move, I started giggling. It wasn’t funny giggling as much as it was mental breakdown giggling, and it was entirely too loud. I had to step away from the desk, and giggled my way to the kitchen. Many of my coworkers assumed I lost my mind.

The female detective who was to get the job asked me, “Ugh please don’t tell me this is mine.” I started giggling, and she replied, “I swear to God I hate you so much.”

Apparently the incident started with the male striking the female, then going through her purse before being arrested. While nothing was taken, it is officially considered a robbery with domestic assault charges added. That was determined by the detective because both these cops likely have trouble finding which end the bullet comes out from their guns.

You know, a lot of us are looking toward early retirement since this department is swirling the toilet. When that happens, crack law enforcement professionals like this dope will be running things.

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord’s name in vain. Please have mercy on me, Father, because I work in law enforcement in Philadelphia.


  2. Better get your name in the DROP Wyatt ASAP…..this morning on my way to work…someone passed me on a 2 lane road while in my marked car heading to work..i was doing the speed limit and coming into a reduced speed zone….needless to say.. I stopped them and she had no clue it was a police car…1090 days to go!!!!


  3. Is Philadelphia purposely trying to dumb down the police force when hiring these person? Just keep looking toward retirement and laugh when you can. (or need to)


  4. IN Piker – Every time I think about just quitting, I remember that DROP check at the end of all this. I’m going to do my best to make sure this city gives me every dime that’s owed me. Then I’m leaving the city and the state, and they’ll get nothing.

    Ronni – A few years ago they wanted college student with at least a two-year degree. That lasted maybe a year, a year and a half, and they realized college grads didn’t want the stress and the awful pay. Now they hire just about anyone. Or they did, before they took $33 million from our budget.


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