True Detective Stories

When I saw Die Hard in the theaters, I was a 19-year old college kid who thought cops were the greatest people in the world. I was a Criminal Justice major – believe me kids, it was a terrible choice – and wanted to become a federal agent. I remember watching the film and saying to myself, “Wow, these police supervisors are so comically portrayed that they’re hardly believable.”

Looking back, John McTiernan portrayed Dwayne T. Robinson and both FBI Agent Johnsons perfectly.

Tuesday night, one of our dumber districts called and said they had an arrest for aggravated assault. Apparently the doer threatened the victim with a knife, and during a scuffle, the doer sliced open his own hand.

Yes, the residents of my division are mostly mutants, thanks for asking.

Anyway, the district officers arrested the offender and claimed they would bring up the victim and witnesses for interviews. The time of that call was 6:07pm. In the meantime, we were busy as hell – see yesterday’s TDS – so I eventually forgot about this particular arrest.

The night dragged on, and around 9:45pm, I looked at my queue and still saw the district’s job, but the officers still hadn’t arrived. “Yo, did anyone see the aggravated assault from the southern district? They called nearly four hours ago?”

Nothing. They still hadn’t brought up the paperwork, the victim, or the witnesses. I figured it was just southern being southern, since they take hours to drive a few miles to the division, and when it was quittin’ time, I went home…

On Wednesday afternoon, I sat at my desk and searched for the job from southern. It was nowhere in the queue, so I assumed the overnight shift took it and processed the paperwork. I went about my day and forgot about this nonsense job once again.

At 5:35pm, twenty-three and a half hours after the arrest, this dopey female cop comes to my desk and says she’s from southern.

Oh. No.

She claims she was the arresting officer from the aggravated assault the night before. I look at her dead in the face, and ask, “Where have you been?” She stares blankly at me before saying, “Um, we were shorthanded last night, so I figured I’d bring the paperwork in today.”

Dumbfounded, I replied, “Did anyone ever do any of the arrest paperwork, because holding someone for an entire day will get you and your buddies fired, and maybe arrested.” The officer’s response was a shrug, admitting she didn’t know if anyone handled this assignment yet… twenty-three and a half hours later.

I took her paperwork and searched through the queue. Apparently someone from the day shift processed the arrest, but it will likely be declined since the detective had no discovery data to scan in. You see, assistant district attorneys like to be able to prove a crime, and they cannot do that without reports, interviews, etc.

“Yeah, it looks like a daywork detective handled the job. eighteen hours after you said you were headed up here. You do realize if this case is declined, or the offender files a lawsuit, you’re the one who is going down for this, right? Because I’m going to be honest with you; I’ll tell Internal Affairs what time you called, how you said you were enroute up here, and how paperwork arrived a day later.”

And then it happened.

“Well, my sergeant told me to hold on to the paperwork until today because we were short on manpower.”

New police officers apparently have no problem blaming supervisors – or subordinates – for mistakes they actually make. Why go down alone when you can use the buddy system? I told this dope it was not a good idea to wait an entire day to bring arrest paperwork to the division, but I am certain she and her sergeant learned a valuable lesson about the Constitution, the Sixth Amendment, and rule of law.

Bawahahahahahahaha!

18 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I know it’s not a cop show, but for some strange and unusual reason, the story reminded me of Weekend at Bernie’s, one of the all time laugh out loud hilarious movies. No clue why that was where I went with your story.

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  2. As long as you don’t become Little Mogadishu East. I figure Minneapolis is now Little Mogadishu.
    Thinking about how crazy this *#&$ed up world has become is hard to process. It just isn’t supposed to compute, but it is the new norm. I guess the rest of us get to put up with it.

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  3. Not like I want to dominate the comments, but I reread the post and got to the “Johnsons” comment and it reminded me of my old days. We had a black cop named Johnson. We had a white cop named Johnson. When they would get partnered up, everyone would ALWAYS say, “There goes the black & white unit.” Both Johnsons would laugh hilariously thinking this was an amusing anecdote. In today’s world, anyone of either color making fun of this scenario would either be fired or sent for sensitivity training.

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    1. Anyone remember the “Big Johnson” T-shirts from the 1990’s? They were a hoot.

      “Big Johnson Erection Company:
      “It isn’t hard to keep it up, when you have a Big Johnson.” Etc.

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      1. Out here in CA, we had those AND the Big Pecker. Don’t get all excited, it was a huge rooster surrounded by scantily clad women with boobs that were larger than their IQ

        Liked by 1 person

  4. RG – We’re already there. Embarrassing incident for the department tonight at work, and I’m so angry about it I’m not even going to tell the tale. Maybe when I calm down.

    Long story short, the department does not have our backs, and the organization is deteriorating quickly.

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    1. I’ve concluded that we need to set up an early retirement Go-Fund-Me for you. The problem is, I don’t think any of us here are rich enough to cover the balance after everyone else forks over a few bucks.

      I cannot help but think you need to begin your exit strategy. First, sell your house before you can’t. Rent a place for the remainder of your time. Then, when you can bail, you just pack your crap and drive away.

      Liked by 3 people

  5. I agree with Redneck….we need to get you the heck out of Dodge!! I couldn’t work if I was surrounded by idiots day in and day out.

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  6. RG – Absolutely not. We’re effectively a one salary household, but I make good money and we’re doing fine financially. If I ever get this second book done, you can buy a copy. But no, I don’t need a GoFundMe.

    Mis.Hum. – I’ve got at least four more years to go, abd there will be plenty of more idiocy on the docket.

    Ronni – Oh, we’re fleeing after I retire. PA isn’t completely terrible but this town’s leadership is. I just want to finish my days in a red state, away from big cities.

    MelP – Like I’ve said before, working in this department is exactly like watching a Barney Miller episode.

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    1. I can’t say I disagree with you. I would have a hard time having someone do that to/for me. The point I was making is that you don’t want to end up stuck because your home is worthless because Philly is such a shithole it won’t sell – like Detroit and now Little Mogadishu, MN. If I were in your shoes, I’d be seriously thinking of getting my place sold long before I was ready to retire and start renting something so I could leave on a moments notice. Just worried you’ll get the shaft.

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