True Detective Stories

It’s been a while since Diego the Idiot Detective graced the blog, but yesterday he popped up on the radar. A police officer brought in a gun possession arrest just after the shift began, and unfortunately, Diego was the assigned “detective.”

Firearms arrests are usually easy to process. You run the weapon through the system to find the owner, and check to see if the gun was previously stolen. Then you swab the firearm for DNA. Finally, you insert the information on a gun trace and send it downtown to the Firearms Investigation Unit (FIU).

It’s so easy that a teenager could literally process the job. Unfortunately, we had Diego doing it.

Diego swabbed the gun for DNA – although he has a habit it catching his own DNA on guns – and began the gun trace. The form is a fill-in-the-blanks formula, so if you miss something, the report will let you know. It is almost impossible to screw this up. Almost…

Dummy came to my desk and asked for his control number, despite the fact it was written on the report he was holding in his hand. I read off the number, and he claimed he “got it.” He waddled off and I continued contemplating my terrible career choices.

Diego then went into the interview to “interrogate” the arrestee.

Ten minutes later, the officers who made the arrest called from downtown. They asked for Diego, but since he was in the middle of an interview, I asked if I could take a message. The officer replied as follows:

“I’m down at FIU and the intake people are losing their shit. The detective wrote the wrong control number on the trace and entered it without checking. Now FIU won’t accept the pistol until the mistake is corrected. there’s a line of people waiting behind me, and my sergeant is losing his shit because I’m on overtime. Can you get him to fix this so I can go home?!!”

I told the officer I’d get Dummy to fix it, and when he left the interview room, I confronted him.

“Hey, FIU just called and they said you f**ked up the trace. Apparently you wrote the wrong control number after I gave it to you the second time. Everyone is losing their shit, and no one can be processed until the trace is corrected.”

Diego’s response? “Really? I thought I put in the right number.”

Obviously not, dumbass.

10 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I’m glad I am retired. I only have to put up with this crap reading stories about Demoncrat politicians like Nancy Pelosi, Mad Maxine, Chucky Shumer, AOC, and the endless list. I used to hate working with stupid. Just think, one day Diego will probably be someone’s boss.


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