True Detective Stories

It’s been a while since I regaled you with stories from Diego the Idiot Detective. Luckily for you, this has already been a banner week for Fredo Corleone. Let’s begin, shall we?

Monday: Diego’s first job of the day was a probation violation arrest, which is literally the easiest paperwork to complete. If it takes you more than ten minutes to process a probation violation, you should probably wear a helmet at all times. It took Diego about forty-five minutes, partly because “he couldn’t read” the report – or he simply never learned to read – and partly because he was too busy flapping his gums instead of doing his job.

Diego’s second job was a gun confiscation. All he had to do was complete a gun trace, which is on the computer, and it is a fill-in-the-blank format. It took him twenty minutes to complete.

Diego’s final assignment was a shooting incident. Some thug fired shots outside a residence, no one was hit, but Diego had to recover twenty spent shell casings. It took him nearly an hour and a half. The crime scene was less than five minutes away…

Tuesday: Diego’s first job was a sudden death. A 47-year old was found unresponsive, and the medics pronounced the victim dead at the scene. For detectives, we stop by, take a few photos, make sure the Medical Examiner in enroute, then get outta Dodge. The only thing Diego had to do was a White Paper; effectively a summary of the job and all the details. Diego is terrible with white papers, because he’s 1. stupid, 2. illiterate, and 3. thinks he’s smart.

Diego did the white paper in a timely manner, which made me think he botched it.

As always, I was correct in that assumption.

The sergeant called him to the front of the room, and berated him for his vocabulary, and misspelled words. These forms go to all the bosses, including the bigwigs. They need to be correct and readable, or people get reamed by their superiors.

I cannot go over the list of every misspelled word, but this one was rather hilarious. I’ll quote the sergeant, because the sarcasm was dripping.

“Diego, what the hell is a ‘Medical Examinator?!!!”

Diego, dullard that he is, merely shrugged and replied, “Oh, I guess I misspelled that one.”

No kidding, dumbass…

6 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. It’s a wonder he didn’t put Medical Exterminator. . . . Just try and keep your sense of humor intact when idiots are around, Wyatt.


  2. Ronni – That’ll be on his next white paper.

    Cathy – The story we heard is he missed the detective test and was able to take it the next day. He allegedly called people who took it and got answers. I believe that because he could never pass the test on his own.

    Proof – One of the guys asked if a Terminator was involved.


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