True Detective Stories

I have two quick stories today. Both occurred on Sunday, but both were at least semi-interesting enough to post. Of course, your mileage may vary.

So Diego the Idiot Detective screwed up a job – shock, right? – and he had to write another report to supplement the first. He drops the paperwork off at my desk, and says, “Yeah, the district is going to enter this job. Here’s the report number. Just put it into my queue, but don’t give it a control number.”

For the record, most every job which passes through my desk needs a control number for tracking. That said, it was my last day, so I accepted his request with the expectation a supervisor would chastise him sometime later this week. Before he walks away, I ask him to confirm the report number. He gives it to me and I write it down.

About ten minutes later, he waddles back to the desk and asks why the job isn’t in his queue. I tell him the district didn’t enter the job yet, and he stops me, saying, “It’s in the system. I was just looking at it.”

Now I’m annoyed, so I ratchet up the sarcasm. “So do you have a different screen than me, because it’s not here.” Diego takes a breath, and says, “That’s because you put in the wrong report number.”

I’m sorry, WHAT???

“I asked you to repeat the number not once, but twice. I even wrote it down as you read it to me. LOOK!” *points to paper*

“Oh,” Diego replies, “That’s a three at the end, not a two.”

“Dude, you f**King told me it was a two. I wrote it the f**k down!”

“Nah, I told you it was a two.”

Thoroughly beaten, I submitted. “Fine Diego, it’s a two… which is one point above your IQ.”

The second story is one where I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The overnight shift arrested a woman for theft. When someone is arrested, their belongings go with them to the cell room, and they are placed into secure cupboards after everything is inventoried. For some reason, the cell room officers were having a bit of a pill, and decided the woman’s purse was entirely too big to be held in the cell room.

This never happens. The secured area has more than enough room to hold a purse – even the obnoxiously large ones. The detective argued with the turnkey and the detective lost. So, we had to inventory the woman’s items, which included the purse, a wallet, some cash, a cellphone… and the woman’s freakishly large sex toy.

All those items had to be noted on the property receipt. Well done, fellas!

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Does Diego even comprehend that people who work with him know he’s an idiot? That’s a rhetorical question, of course he doesn’t. As for the freakishly large toy, people like what they like. Although it does make me wonder if she was a “big” gal with a lot of space to fill.


  2. Ronni – I think he knows, but he won’t admit it. Everyone busts his stones for his constant mistakes. I mean, I’m usually no prize at work, but I know the ins and outs of the job. He has no clue.

    MelP – Most definitely. Never thought about the cactus, but I think you’re right.


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