True Detective Stories

While I knew it wouldn’t be long before I had an encounter with Diego The Idiot Detective, but I didn’t think it would happen a half hour into my first day back.

Since this dolt was working the front desk while I was on vacation, he was first up for an arrest, and a firearms arrest was waiting as we walked in the door. I may have mentioned this before, but gun arrests now have all new protocols for processing. The gun needs to be swabbed for DNA, as does the offender (after search warrants are obtained), and more forms need to be completed; preferably be someone competent.

The irony of the new protocols is the Soros-appointed D.A. will simply drop the charges anyway.

After processing the arrest and getting the story from the officers, Diego started his White Paper – a document which is sent to bosses city-wide. The WP has specifically defined guidelines, which are identical for every division. The sergeant was patiently waiting for the paper, so he could make the necessary corrections. (Corrections for Diego are a given, despite the fact he claims he’s wicked smaht.)

9am: Diego turns in his first draft. After a cursory inspection, the sergeant rejects the WP for spelling. Oh, Diego also had the wrong defendant’s name on the paper, and had another detective listed as the assigned. The jackass used someone else’s white paper and forgot to change the names…

9:15am: Diego turns in his second draft. The investigator and offender’s names are now corrected, but the offender’s date of birth is missing, and the on the paper, Diego claimed the officers made the INDENTIFICATION of the offender, which I assume means they moved him two steps to the right before identifying the man.

9:25am: Diego drops off his third draft. The INDENTification was changed to identification, the offender’s date of birth was included, but the offender’s priors were not listed. This is literally one of the most important items the bosses need to see. Diego forgot it.

9:35am: Diego turns in draft number four. The section for prior arrests is blank. When called on it, Diego swears he checked the database. The sergeant checks same database on his computer and sees multiple prior offenses and probation/parole listings as well. The sergeant is not pleased, and starts yelling at Diego. Diego, for his part, continues to claim he “didn’t see” any priors, despite it was the first entry to pop up on the screen.

9:50am: Diego inserts the information on priors and turns in draft number five. There are still glaring omissions and misspellings, but the sergeant shouts, “No mas!” and fixes the white paper manually.

Usually a white paper is a five to ten-minute exercise. It took Diego at least fifty minutes; mostly because he’s a moron, but also because he’s lazy. If there is any upside to this story, it’s that I will never be the dumbest detective in the division as long as Diego is gainfully employed.

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Ronni – A guy who worked with him as a cop claimed he missed the detective’s test but took it the next day. Rumor has it he called everyone he knew that took the test and asked for an answer or two. Voila. He passed. I believe it, because he is the dumbest person I have ever known.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ronni – I think he knows it, but won’t admit it to himself.

    MelP – His sister is a police officer, and she’s almost as dumb as he is. Her shtick is because she’s mildly pretty, she gets everything she wants. But as a cop, she’s a disaster.


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