True Detective Stories

So get this. On Monday, Diego the Idiot Detective received a call from a woman claiming she knew the identities of two robbery suspects who have been terrorizing the division for a few weeks. The woman gave Diego their names and addresses, and instead of researching the jobs, or casing the suspects’ residence, he decided to show how wicked smaht he is.

Diego starts suiting up: body armor, extra mags, the works. Worse still, he recruits one of our female detectives – I’ll call her Salma, because she looks like Salma Hayek – to head out with him. When Salma asks where they’re going, he tells her he’s going to go to the residence of the two armed robbery suspects and arrest them.

Diego will be doing this without a supervisor and without the SWAT team. Because wicked smaht.

Salma immediately walks to my desk and asks, “Hey, can I use your body armor when I go out with Diego?” I obviously say yes, and then she asks, “Did you hear what Diego wants to do?” I did not, so she explained this suicidal plan. Salma has a lot of time on the job, and she can certainly handle herself, but she had no desire to go out with Diego on this case…

Salma sorta kinda suggested I get involved, and there’s nothing which makes me happier than embarrassing Diego at every turn.

I walked over to Diego’s desk and said, “Dude, what the f** k are you planning to do with this robbery tip?” Diego responded he was going to head out there and hopefully arrest them. “Without a supervisor and without the SWAT team? You realize both these clowns have had pistols in every job, right? You think they wouldn’t shoot the two of you on sight?”

Diego started to protest, but I shut him down. “You don’t have photos of the doers, you haven’t checked their criminal history, and you haven’t cased the residence beforehand. You didn’t call SWAT and didn’t bother to tell the sergeant what you’re about to do. Now, you don’t have to listen to me, but if you and Salma head out there, one of you is going to get seriously hurt.”

Five minutes later, I overheard Diego telling Salma he decided he wouldn’t go after these desperadoes.

Only 1,376 days until I’m out.

11 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Kitty – Him singing Artemis Clyde Frog is hilarious. I’d take Salma over Penelope every day, although I do think she’s crazy hot.

    Mike47 – I suspect I’ll still blogging in retirement. I’m an attention whore. 🙂

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  2. Thanks for remembering the counter. 🙂

    I would have to ponder Kitty’s above statement, but both Salma Hayek and Peneope Cruz are crazy hot/beautiful women, so either one can be #1. It’s a good thing my lovely bride enjoys watching me lust over all these seriously hot babes, otherwise, I would always be getting into trouble. Only a little over two years to go and we’ll hit 50 years of wedded bliss. Maybe for our anniversary, she can invite them to a big party. Well, in my dreams.

    I was so enamored by Salma and Penelope, I forgot all about Diego. Too bad he wasn’t bright enough to go apprehend these desperadoes single-handedly. Then again, we probably wouldn’t get to enjoy any of the stories about his stupidity anymore. I dearly love reading about Diego, it brings a smile to my face in this dark world of craziness.

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  3. RG – I have no doubt he would have been hurt if he went out, and I wouldn’t care. I do care about Salma, because she’s a great detective and not an idiot.

    Cathy – I’m sure Diego lost his multiple times.

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  4. Wow, how did Diego live this long? Reminds me a retired small town sherif I know. When he was much younger, him and one other guy went after a known drug dealer in a neighboring county that of course had no help to send. When they got out to the sticks, he realized they had made a terrible mistake and could be shot from pretty much anywhere. Stupidest thing he ever did in his career was his statement.

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  5. Ingineer – Stupidest thing I ever did on the job was run into a burning building. Older male lived inside and I searched the entire first floor. My father destroyed me – he was a firefighter – and said, “You could have been killed.” I wanted to check the top floor but by that time I was hacking and the fire was getting worse.

    Spoiler Alert: The geezer was already out of the house. Found that out later.

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  6. Did Diego grow up in Boston? I hear the water there makes you wicked smaht but the time it takes to process the smaht is dependent on how much lead was in the paint chips you ate. And Bandidas is a fun movie to watch staring both Salma and Penélope.

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