True Detective Stories

Considering his utter and complete idiocy, the above picture of Ralph Wiggum will be Diego’s avatar from here on out. He is quite literally the dumbest person I have ever met.

So yesterday Diego was called downtown by the ADA for one of his court cases. Why anyone would want this dullard to testify in open court is beyond me, but I digress. He left the building at 10:15am – we have to log that – and headed to the Criminal Justice Center. As he walked out, I said, “See ya tomorrow” which I always say when someone leaves the building.

Then I forgot about him, because he is very forgettable, and honestly, the division runs much more smoothly when he’s not around.

At around 1:30pm, Diego called in to the supervisor, saying he just left court. Normally, we’re expected to come back, unless there’s less than an hour in the tour. Dummy called too soon, so the supervisor had to tell him to come back…

This vexed Diego, so he tried to stall. There was a lot of back and forth on the phone, but after a few frustrating minutes, the supervisor finally said, “Diego where are you right now?”

There was a long pause, and Diego finally replied, “I’m in my truck.” (As if that was what the supervisor was asking.) The supervisor put Diego on hold and started laughing. The laughter went on for a few minutes until I finally said, “What did he say?” The supervisor said, “I’m in my truck,” then started giggling again. The supervisor regained his composure and again told Diego to get back to work, and get there quickly, which was fortuitous because apparently Diego was only three blocks from the division!

The supervisor hung up on Diego while he was still yammering and said, “He’ll be back soon. He said he just clocked out from court.”

Every police officer in the city has access to the court system. When you log in you can see when someone clocked into court and when they logged out. Because I know Diego, I decided to check his logout time…

The system has him clocking out at 11:59am, a full hour and a half before he called the supervisor. Now because I’m an a-hole, I may have let the supervisor know when Diego clocked out, then suggested maybe an explanation was in order. Like, you know, what the f**k were you doing for an hour and a half?

The answer was likely… eating.

Look, everyone tries to work the system when it’s beneficial to do so. If Diego called in at 2pm, he would have likely been told to go home. The problem is Diego is a halfwit, a lousy liar, and now someone who cannot be trusted. Way to go, Diego! You made an ass of yourself yet again.

Only 1,375 days until I’m out.

7 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I got to thinking about what Ronni said above. She’s 100% right. I cannot begin to tell you the euphoria I felt leaving all the Diego’s of my life behind when I retired. It was like no other feeling I’ve ever experienced and I worked with some serious Diego’s before retirement, along with one that was a homicidal maniac, but that’s a story in and of itself. When I started my own countdown, it was about where you are 1300-1500 days. Once I started, each milestone would bring to life the idea I actually was going to escape. Keep the faith, you’ll get there. Only 75 days and you’re under 1200, and soon, under 1000. Time will go faster as you reach each of those milestones.

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  2. Ronni – My squad has two and a half. Diego, Mr. Frodo, and Kung Fu Detective. Kung Fu is dumb, but he works. Mr. Frodo whines about every job he gets, and Diego, well… you know.

    RG – Everyone who signed up for the DROP said that. It goes by quicker than you think. I told everyone I want to join a county department for a few years, to see what it’s like to work in a real police department. A place where the bathrooms are clean, the copiers/printers actually work, and the employees aren’t morons.

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    1. Tennessee, Texas, wherever you land, I cannot imagine you wouldn’t get snatched up in a heartbeat. I spent my time in a small/midsize town and it still have politics I didn’t like. I almost went to the local county sheriff’s dept and finally chose to leave and move on to another chapter of my life. Still discovered that the Diego’s of the world are EVERYWHERE. Sad, but true.

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      1. I met a Texas police chief a few years ago and he said a sheriff’s office there would scoop me up in a minute, especially someone with experience is a big city.

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  3. I can’t wait for you to write that book, filled with the dramas of Diego. I’m giving it to my son-in-law, the corrections officer.

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