True Detective Stories

As you know, many of my True Detective Stories revolve around the truly terrible police officers this city hires. Obviously, the talent pool is low after the left decided to declare war on the police, but even some of the decent cops in my division would need an abacus to count their fingers and toes.

Once a week, the district’s Quality Assurance Officer – usually a female who either is scared to work the street or has friends in high places – looks over the week’s reports and checks them for accuracy. The QAO never knocks down a report – like making a robbery a theft – but always upgrades it. Because police captains are always overjoyed when they have to explain five new robberies which were thefts the day before.

The QAO of one particular district gets off on sending us high-level felonies every week, and usually five days after the report was filed. This policy is stressing because most victims refuse to cooperate with police the day of the incident, let alone a week after the fact. This was the case Monday evening when a robbery report from Saturday landed in our queue.

The dumbass QAO of the offending district refused to scan the report in, so I had to fax AND call the district twice to find a copy of the report. You see, you cannot investigate a crime without ANY OF THE F**KING DETAILS, LIKE SAY, THE VICTIM’S NAME AND PHONE NUMBER!

But I digress…

Nine hours after the QAO sent us the report, the district claimed they scanned the report into the system. This is the report the district scanned and sent to the division…

Oh, this is amazing! All the required fields are filled out completely, with legible printed writing. The phone number is exquisite; it jumps out at you like one of those magic eye pictures! Oh, the attention to detail, especially in the description section; six blank lines and “flagged down police.” Congratulations, Officer Dimwitty, you solved the case!

This is what I deal with every single day in this godawful organization.

11 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I now know where all the flori-duhs come from. Philly sends the really really really dumb ones down south & keeps the idiots.


  2. Sounds like some of the reports from the analytical department at my former place of employment. A common practice in the industry is to analyze competitors samples. This is not to copy their formulae, but just to get a heads up on what is out in the market. We do it, they do it, everyone does it. I once submitted a sample of an olive tinted, phenolic drum/pail lining as a rush job. The work order specified that it needed to be characterized as to type of phenolic (phenol, cresol, BPA, etc.), pigment and filler type (titanium dioxide, iron oxide, barium sulfate, talc, etc.), pigment to binder ratio and any other type of resin present. Now this may sound like a long, complicated process, however it’s pretty simple and straight forward. You just squirt a tiny bit of the sample in a couple different machines like an FTIR and gas chromatograph-mass spectrometer and viola, you get printouts of what’s in there and at what proportions. Easy peasy. After about four weeks waiting and many emails/phone calls ranging from enquiring to threatening I finally got the final report. It was determined that the sample submitted was a green tinted phenolic. Sigh…………


  3. Ronni – Absolutely not. I got me surgery clearance today and my primary doctor said it may be a lot more than 4-6 weeks. Oh no, I have to be out from work for a longer period and miss this nonsense? Dang.

    Cathy – The cop just said it so nonchalantly. “Yeah, that’s the best copy we have.” Are you f**king kidding me?

    Tam – It always amazes me when people go above and beyond the boundaries of laziness.

    Also, we had two printers on the detective floor. One eventually broke and the city refused to give us another one. We now have a regular printer and a color printer. The color printer never has ink – the city is broke – and the black and white printer is always low on toner. Our two copiers print almost as lightly as the report above, so I need a desk lamp to read most of the reports.

    Why? Because the districts stopped sending us the hard copies, and we almost always only receive poor copies.


  4. And here I expected you to tell us all the electronic version was at your terminal microseconds after every single detail had been entered on the highly secure terminal in the police cruiser, using the high speed, mega-bandwidth link on the uber secure law enforcement network. Oh, wait, I know you mentioned you had Windows7, but I’d bet the rest of the officers are using Windows 3.0 and all the printers in all the other offices are completely out of ink, probably even the pens too. Do the police radios use vacumn tubes or do the cops just go to the nearest call box to stay in touch with the rest of the force?


    1. The main reason I swapped over to a Macbook can be boiled down to two words: Windows Ten.

      But a really good reason was that every time Bill Gates had a brain fart and rolled out a new version of Windoze, all the peripherals I had would not work with the new operating system. I have at home, three different scanners that work with a) Windows XP, b) Windows 7, and c) MS-DOS. Low mileage. They are for sale, if anyone is interested.

      And as for printers without toner…. the companies make more money on toner refills than they do on new printers. Cheaper to buy a new printer than refill the ink.


  5. RG – It has nothing to do with the computers. They made an awful copy and didn’t want to make another copy.

    Kitty- Its my job to read and understand it, and I couldn’t come close.


  6. And yet these people can still walk and breathe at the same time guess it takes all their brainpower to just do that otherwise they would have to remember to breathe and most of them would turn blue and die…..hey wait idea


  7. Gary – There are a lot of good cops in my division, but there are far more dolts working the streets. Rookies who think they know everything, arrogant pricks who think they’re God’s gift, and inside crews who cannot form a sentence.


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