True Detective Stories

This may sound inconceivable to you, but there are people in my department galactically dumber than Diego the Idiot Detective. There is a certain police officer in our worst district makes Diego look like Stephen Hawking. Let me introduce you to Beaky Buzzard.

Beaky is an inept dullard who spends most of his time drooling into his retainer case. He was likely approved because his father was a high-ranking supervisor, and apparently the smarts skip a generation.

Yesterday Beaky handled a domestic assault. The offender was arrested after allegedly holding her life partner inside the residence at the point of a gun. Apparently the offender also fired a round or two out the window, I guess to prove she was serious. The sergeant called for the scene, explained what they had, and I told them to bring up the combatants – and the pistol if it was recovered. The time of the call was 9:30am.

By 10:30am, the officers had brought the victim and the offender to the division. It had been an hour since the call, and I still did not have a police report or the gun. I joked to my sergeant, “I’ll bet Beaky Buzzard has this job.” My sergeant replied, “Oh, please don’t let this be the case.”

At 11:30am, there was still no report, no gun, and no Beaky. I called his district and asked the desk person to scan in the report, since it’s difficult to conduct interviews if you have no idea what happened.

Beaky finally arrived at 11:40am, two hours and ten minutes after the original call. Frustrated beyond belief, I snatched the report from him so it could be entered. I flipped the two-sided report and realized the second side was blank. This dimwitted jackass only copied one side of the report, and the side that was missing had the story on it.

Beaky looks at me and says, “Duh, I’ll have to rewrite the report.” (Okay, I may have added the “Duh” there.) He walked out of the office and took another fifteen minutes to get a completed report to me. I finally received the report at noon; two and a half hours after the original call.

While I was entering the information into the database, the sergeant noticed something. “Officer, do you have the gun with you?” Beaky nodded. The sergeant then asked, “Do you have the gun in that plastic bag??!” Beaky nodded his head, and the sergeant nearly lost his shite.

“Officer, you know full well we need to swab every recovered firearm for DNA. Why would you ever place a gun in a plastic bag when you know – or should know – it’s very difficult to process a gun when it’s been sitting in plastic? You always, ALWAYS, place evidence in a paper bag!”

Beaky looked at the sergeant, drooling onto his lapel, and replied, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” For the record, that’s bullsh*t, because everyone with six months on the job understands that’s the policy.

So in the span of two and a half hours, this stuttering imbecile dragged his feet bringing up the necessary paperwork, failed to copy a two-sided form – then didn’t realize his mistake until he arrived at the division – and violated one of our most important directives. Beaky’s only sign of remorse was a half-hearted, “Sorry, guys.”

Why yes, actually, you are a sorry excuse for a police officer.

6 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. In your travels have you ever encountered a trifecta where a Diego becomes the boss, then supervises a squad made up entirely of Beaky types? Oh wait, I forgot about your police chief.


  2. RG – Our police commissioner is entirely out of her league. She has no clue, and her policies are ridiculous. She did nothing to stop the summer riots, and is doing nothing to slow the homicide rate. Her only “plan” is to beg the public to cooperate with police. Yeah, that’ll work.

    Cathy – I’m guessing we were Patient Zero.


  3. Gary – Yeah, that describes this city to a T.

    Doc – 1,346. Hopefully I’ll be able to take eight weeks or more whenever I get this shoulder repaired. Believe me, I am in NO rush to come back here afterward. I despise this place anymore.


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