So Saturday we were cursed with two problems: we were exceedingly busy and there was a gun buy back program in our division. (The gun buy back story will be highlighted in a TDS soon.) Until then, back to the dumbest person on Planet Earth.
Diego the Idiot Detective has this feature where toward the end of the day, he decides he needs to leave the building. He’ll claim he needs to check video surveillance, interview a witness, or some other ridiculous lie. Diego does this because he thinks if he is out on the street, he will be skipped when a job comes in.
Nice try, butt-munch.
Diego decided to flee the building Saturday around 12pm, claiming he was checking for video at one of his crime scenes. He could have done so the two days prior, but because we were busy, he figured it was a great time to get away. About a half hour after he left, Diego received a call from a woman who claimed Diego called her to come in for an interview.
Classic F**king Diego: set up an appointment and make someone else conduct the interview.
After speaking with the witness, we realized this was no ordinary interview. Diego handled an armed robbery of a phone store the day before, and the witness Diego was supposed to be interviewing may also have been the getaway driver. I immediately called the dullard…
“Yo, there’s a woman here from the phone store robbery. She says you made an appointment with her to be interviewed.”
“I don’t remember that. What is the woman’s name?”
*plants head on desk* “She’s the witness from the robbery you had Friday. Do you not remember it, because you processed the scene!”
“Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Look, she’s in the lobby, and she may be the getaway driver, si it’s probably a good idea for you to get your ass back here and interview her.”
“Well, I’m gonna be a while…”
That’s when I hung up. Now I had a dilemma; every detective on the floor was working an active job, but there were members of the shooting team in the building. Maybe they would help a brother out. Their shift was about to end, but when they spoke with the witness, they decided to run with the job.
As I was about to leave for the day, Diego the Douchebag waltzed in and said, “So, what happened with the witness?” I told him SIU took the job, and they’re interviewing everyone now. I also added, “The good news at least the job will get solved now.”
I walked into the division Sunday morning at 6:30am. A few moments later, an officer downstairs came up and asked, “Did you hear about Diego’s job?” I had not, so I asked the officer to fill me in.
1. SIU interviewed the “witness,” and she implicated herself in the crime. She told the detectives she was at the scene, and was the getaway driver during the robbery.
2. The “witness” also placed the offender at the scene and identified him.
3. The feds were apparently already tracking the offender, and apprehended him as he walked into a local market.
4. The offender was armed with a pistol and admitted he was about to murder one of the people in the store.
Had Diego taken ten minutes out of his day, he likely could have solved this crime, been subpoenaed for a lucrative federal trial, and lauded by his peers. Instead, he decided to make himself the laughingstock of the division. In other words, another day ending in “y.”