True Detective Stories

This post may be longer than usual, but believe me, it is a necessary action to expose this dumbass and his “I Don’t Give A F**k” attitude.

So Saturday we were cursed with two problems: we were exceedingly busy and there was a gun buy back program in our division. (The gun buy back story will be highlighted in a TDS soon.) Until then, back to the dumbest person on Planet Earth.

Diego the Idiot Detective has this feature where toward the end of the day, he decides he needs to leave the building. He’ll claim he needs to check video surveillance, interview a witness, or some other ridiculous lie. Diego does this because he thinks if he is out on the street, he will be skipped when a job comes in.

Nice try, butt-munch.

Diego decided to flee the building Saturday around 12pm, claiming he was checking for video at one of his crime scenes. He could have done so the two days prior, but because we were busy, he figured it was a great time to get away. About a half hour after he left, Diego received a call from a woman who claimed Diego called her to come in for an interview.

Classic F**king Diego: set up an appointment and make someone else conduct the interview.

After speaking with the witness, we realized this was no ordinary interview. Diego handled an armed robbery of a phone store the day before, and the witness Diego was supposed to be interviewing may also have been the getaway driver. I immediately called the dullard…

“Yo, there’s a woman here from the phone store robbery. She says you made an appointment with her to be interviewed.”
“I don’t remember that. What is the woman’s name?”

*plants head on desk* “She’s the witness from the robbery you had Friday. Do you not remember it, because you processed the scene!”
“Doesn’t ring a bell.”

“Look, she’s in the lobby, and she may be the getaway driver, si it’s probably a good idea for you to get your ass back here and interview her.”
“Well, I’m gonna be a while…”

That’s when I hung up. Now I had a dilemma; every detective on the floor was working an active job, but there were members of the shooting team in the building. Maybe they would help a brother out. Their shift was about to end, but when they spoke with the witness, they decided to run with the job.

As I was about to leave for the day, Diego the Douchebag waltzed in and said, “So, what happened with the witness?” I told him SIU took the job, and they’re interviewing everyone now. I also added, “The good news at least the job will get solved now.”

I walked into the division Sunday morning at 6:30am. A few moments later, an officer downstairs came up and asked, “Did you hear about Diego’s job?” I had not, so I asked the officer to fill me in.

1. SIU interviewed the “witness,” and she implicated herself in the crime. She told the detectives she was at the scene, and was the getaway driver during the robbery.
2. The “witness” also placed the offender at the scene and identified him.
3. The feds were apparently already tracking the offender, and apprehended him as he walked into a local market.
4. The offender was armed with a pistol and admitted he was about to murder one of the people in the store.

Had Diego taken ten minutes out of his day, he likely could have solved this crime, been subpoenaed for a lucrative federal trial, and lauded by his peers. Instead, he decided to make himself the laughingstock of the division. In other words, another day ending in “y.”

9 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. I actually love Diego. I live in the wild west of Colorado where there actually people really named Diego, but this guy provides me with more entertainment than all the Diego’s in 10 western states combined. Well, except maybe Kalifornia. I’ve worked with a few dullards in my time, but how this guy actually became a cop, much less a detective, is a question for the ages. I sure do enjoy reading stories of his many exploits and super hero powers. How many days???


  2. Diego truly is a horse’s patoot. The next couple times he walks in the building, the other officers should laugh. Not that he would get the hint that his peers and others feel he’s a laughingstock.


  3. Ronni – The squad trashes him all day, every day, mostly because he deserves it. They destroyed him yesterday when he asked if he would get court notices for doing nothing.

    Mike47 – Because it is nearly impossible to fire civil servants anymore. See also: the FBI.


  4. On a different subject, I always thought the FBI had nothing but the best. Did you ever ponder the fact that today’s FBI has an overabundance of Diego’s? I’m sure it’s true. Probably due to all the quotas the need to fill for various categories of politically correct agents.


  5. RG – I desperately wanted to take the test, because I was sure I could pass it. I took the ATF test, passed it, but was just below the cutoff. I was the same way. Thought the FBI was the cream of the crop, then I started working with a few when I became a cop. They’re no better – and arguably worse – than the average patrol officer.


  6. I suspect that one day soon, Diego will have been called as a witness in a jaywalking case, and under cross examination, breaks down ala Perry Mason and confesses to fifteen hitherto unknown crimes.


  7. Mike AKA proof – Your lips to God’s ears. He called me today while I was at the gym. Yeah, right to voice mail, which I also didn’t check.


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