True Detective Stories

So the city, in its infinite wisdom, decided to hold a Gun Buy-Back program Saturday afternoon. Hilariously, they decided to hold the event inside a church, because the city is completely tone deaf.

Since the Gun Buy Back is usually a garbage detail, the supervisor sent our two dumbest detectives not named Diego. The reasoning behind it was we couldn’t spare two real detectives during a busy weekend, so we sent the drones. In this case the lucky contestants were Kim Jong-Loon and Whining Slow Joe; both are miserable crybabies who can barely tie their own shoes.

Slow Joe was sent to the church. His task was to recover the guns turned in, and copy the information – make, model, serial number – of the firearms and email the information to Kin Jong-Loon. Loon was working in the division, and the only thing he had to do was enter the firearms information and run the firearm to see if it was stolen. Loon’s job could literally be done by a ten-year old.

In less than an hour Slow Joe began sending the supervisor texts, whining about his assignment. There were so many guns, and he had to copy all the information down. The texts came nearly every ten minutes. Slow Joe then begged the supervisor to send more detectives, because Slow Joe was “swamped.” The supervisor basically ignored him, until after the sixth or seventh text, when he replied, “We’re not sending anyone to you, because we’re really busy now.”

Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Loon was sitting at his desk, doing virtually nothing. Every time I walked past him, he was just sitting at the desk, but didn’t seem to be running any of the guns or collecting the information Slow Joe was allegedly sending to him. I considered asking him what was going on, but the less I talk to Kim, the better.

Eventually 2pm rolls around, and Slow Joe returns with the boxes of firearms, with members of the Evidence Unit in tow. They took in nearly sixty guns, most of which were rusted hulks, which is par for the course. The supervisor asks Kim how many guns came up stolen, and Kim gives him a look which surely spelled doom.

“Well, I ran the guns.”
“Okay, but how many of those were stolen?”

“I ran the guns.”
“I heard that, but how many of the guns were stolen?”

“You see, I ran the guns, but I don’t know how many were stolen because some guns have the same serial number.”

The sergeant and lieutenant did not look pleased, an I intervened before they lost their minds.

“Kim, you know when you run a gun, there is a sport for make and model, too, right? This way, there is no confusion.”

Except there WAS confusion, because Kim is a damned blithering idiot. The sergeant then asks a great question. “Kim, what did your orders say? You did read the email, right?”

Kim stared at the sergeant, saying nothing. He obviously never read the order, and was trying to think of an excuse. The lieutenant glanced at me, and the look on his face was one of rage. “Kim, you’ve been working on this since 10am. What have you done?!!”

Robotically, Kim replied, “I run the guns! I run them all!”

The lieutenant told Kim to go back to his desk, then turned to me and said, “This is why I told you to not rush back after your surgery, because this entire division has lost its mind.”

Eventually, after the supervisors calmed down, they decided to take the work away from Kim and Slow Joe – which is what they wanted – and gave it to real detectives, who completed the work in less than an hour. 1,341 days.

8 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Ronni – It’s very taxing. We have four detectives in my squad who are completely useless. Four out of fifteen, so I guess it could be worse.


  2. Max – They usually give out bupkis for them, but this year they were offering $100 gift cards to supermarkets. I was actually somewhat impressed.


  3. I loved this story. I laughed out loud. Here in my county they decided to have a gun buyback, which made me very happy since I have a gun that no longer functions and I have kept it for just this purpose. They had to cancel it, because the way the Democrats wrote recent gun laws here, it would have been illegal for them to actually “buy” the guns. I laughed then too. Still have my gun waiting for a gun buyback though.

    Question: Does your division have any detectives on any cases that have functioning brains? Maybe change division to department. There must be some really intelligent people there in a few positions.


  4. Mike AKA Proof – While I am always self-deprecating, I’m actually really good at my job. I come in a half hour early every day to catch up on the previous day’s job entries, and the front desk is the busiest part of the division. I’m effectively responsible for entering jobs, answering the phones, checking the teletypes, getting the faxes and dealing with people at the window. Literally no one wants the job because it’s so entailed.

    So yes, I think this place will be in big trouble when I’m gone.

    RG – The buy backs are useless. No one every brings in a gun that’s worth anything, but the city pats itself on the back for the effort.

    And yes, there are a lot of great detectives in my division, but many of them, like me, are counting the days until they can get out.


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