True Detective Stories

So Thursday night we had the A-Team on the street. Nearly every single cop in the division was doing their Streisand impersonations. Officers were getting entirely too excited over a probation arrest, bragging about a shoplifting pinch, and upgrading an infinitely minor retail theft.

The last two officers have maybe a year on the job, and they treated this random act of whimsy like it was the Lufthansa heist. Apparently, a male entered the Family Dollar – the Fort Knox of Retail Stores – selected several items, including bottles of Febreeze – and tried to flee the scene. An employee decided to play Gary Cooper and tried to stop the thief, who immediately punched him multiple times in the face and head. Normally, we would call that an “Aggravated Retail Theft,” but it is technically a robbery.

Not that the District Attorney’s Office will approve robbery charges, but whatever.

I told the officers to get everyone out of the store and hold it as a crime scene until we get out there. Guess who was the assigned detective? Diego.

Earlier in the day, a call came in and claimed they wanted to speak to a detective. I was busy putting in seven old jobs from the night before, and I asked Diego to take a message. He left the phone on hold – because he’s an a-hole – and I finally had to answer it. Imagine the joy I felt when I saw Diego was up for this cluster…

Diego was on the street at the time, so I texted him the information. (I don’t talk to that moron if I can help it; it saves brain cells.) He responded to the text about twenty minutes later and when he asked for more details, I ignored him.

One of the officers on the scene called again and stated the offender was eventually captured and identified by the employee. The offender was also in possession of a semi-auto pistol. I suggested they incorporate both crimes into one report, but they weren’t keen on that. Remember that for later.

Diego finally returns from his mystical journey and hands me two reports. I mentioned it would be easier for the ADA to go over one report instead of two confusing reports. Diego disagreed, and since he has much more experience and a larger brain, I said, “Knock yourself out, dude.”

The reports looked like they were written in Cyrillic, there were few pertinent details, and neither the offender’s information nor the pistol information were listed in the report. I mentioned that to Diego, and he said he would fix it. He did not. I gave him both reports, with the caveat that two reports would be confusing, and he should combine them.


About an hour later, I hear Diego grumbling about paperwork. He asked another detective – Kim Jong-Loon – to run the gun to see if it was stolen and perform a gun trace. Easy peasy, right?

Well, Diego used the report number for the robbery, but Kim-Jong Loon used the report number for the firearms arrest.

One set of paperwork had one set of numbers, and other set of paperwork had a different set of numbers. Now two things could happen: Diego could get off his enlarging ass and fix the paperwork, or he could send two separate – yet same – arrest packages to the charging unit. The supervisor heard the discussion, walked toward Diego and said, “I’m pretty sure we told you to combine the job into one report, right?” Diego nodded. “So now, for the next time, maybe listen to us when we tell you to do something.”

Diego and Kin-Jong Loon eventually got their paperwork straight, but it was an hour wasted because of laziness.

1,329 days.

9 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. My only question is how do you ever survive. Your number is seriously large, though in reality, it’s not all that far away. All these Democrat cities like Philly will probably run far smoother once the Chinese take over.


  2. Cathy – Two out of three are great. One? Not so much.

    RG – Another detective in my squad is signing up for early retirement in April. Everyone wants to leave.


  3. Al – I cannot wait until I am done with this place. At this point, I’ll gladly take the shoulder surgery and 6-8 weeks of recovery. I will not be rushing back, believe that.


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