True Detective Stories

The Author, Staring At The Omnipresent Idiocy.
This week is the first time I’ve been on night work since I caught the Covid in March. While I love not waking up at 5:30am for the day shift, I am really starting to despise night work. Especially when it’s 85 degrees (inside the building).

The heat brings out the crazies – actually the cold does, too – and these past four days were no exception. On Sunday, Diego the Idiot Detective caught a shooting incident. Five rounds were fired at a residence, and he had to simply drive to the location, pick up the spent shell casings, grab the report and return. This simply job for a very simple man took four hours.

FOUR HOURS!

Our entire shift is only eight hours long, so everyone wanted to know what the f**k he was doing for four hours. Naturally, he had no excuse, and was highly displeased when there were new jobs on his desk. “You’re not immune to work when you’re on the street, Diego,” I told him. Especially when we’re busy. I hate this clown with the red hot intensity of a thousand suns…

Monday was effectively quiet until we had a late home invasion. A group of men approached a house, banged on the door, and claimed they were from the NYPD. The resident decided it would be cool if she opened her balcony and started firing rounds at the offenders, scaring them away. One of our good detectives had the case, and about 9pm, he asked me if one of our dumber detectives could run downstairs and do a DNA swab on an offender.

I took the paperwork to Kim Jong-Loon, one of our dumber people, and said, “Hey, they need a DNA swab from this guy (places personal information on desk), and they need it by 10pm. The warrant was already signed.”

Loon gave me a look and said, “Well, I’m kinda busy.” I replied, “Really? Because the only job you had tonight was a probation violation I gave you at six.”

Dumbass responds, “Oh, I’m doing that now!”

IT TOOK YOUR FOUR HOURS TO START AN ARREST?

Tuesday was a banner day. One of our new detectives was assigned a gun arrest. The job was a slam dunk; the offenders were arrested inside their vehicle, the loaded gun was recovered, and a nice amount of marijuana was confiscated. The problem is the detective spends more time bitching about what he had to do instead of actually, you know, doing it. He whined about getting a search warrant. He whined about interviewing the offenders. He whined about processing the scene.

DUDE, IF YOU SHUT UP AND DID EVERYTHING, YOU’D BE DONE BY NOW!

The noob took a ninety-minute arrest and stretched it through the entirety of the tour.

Wednesday was the best day because it was 87 degrees outside and 85 degrees inside. I walked in to a shooting incident – eight shots fired – and a better shooting incident where two women were arguing and the offender pulled out a gun and started shooting inside the house. The sergeant on the scene called me no less than three times in a fifteen minute span asking me what he should do.

DUDE, YOU TOOK THE TEST! MAKE A DECISION!

The sergeant asked if he should hold the house as a crime scene. Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. He then asked if he should hold the car, after the shooter claimed she put it in the glove compartment after she fired. Yeah, that’s also a good idea. Finally, he asked how long it would take us to get out there to process everything.

Well sarge, since I have no report, no cops here, and no victim, maybe hold the scene until I can get someone out there, mmm-kay?

1,282 days.

12 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Rudy – It’s here, and most people who are not as retarded at Diego know it’s a fluff piece for the Krasner’s reelection. We’re at 165 homicides this year – up 33% from last year – and we just found out Krasner’s ADAs are approving felonies on our warrants, then deleting the felony charges after the warrant is approved.

    Detectives only see the original approved charges, and assume that’s how it will stay. Krasner is telling the ADAs to delete the felony charges while no one is looking, and the offenders walk. Literally just found this out Tuesday.

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    1. Wow. Sounds like something an enterprising reporter may want as a story. Shame that we now have “journalists” and not reporters.

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  2. Ronni – In this city, it’s already gone. Hell, the FBI is investigating Giuliani for dealing with Ukraine, which the illegitimate president was doing for years, and admitted it on video.

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  3. You should get a raise for not beating the crap out of the idiots. The population of philly would take a nose dive.

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      1. I’d like to punch him and I don’t know him or work with him and I haven’t been to Philadelphia since Harry Carson was playing for the Giants. I went to a game in 84 or 85.

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  4. Out of curiosity, what constitutes a nice amount of marijuana? Asking for a friend…
    I kid, I kid.
    You have to have the patience of a saint, not to throttle a co-worker.

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  5. Mushdogs – The city doesn’t even charge if it’s less than a few pounds anymore. The weed that night was a few decent sized bags, which I’m sure the ADAs refused to charge.

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