True Detective Stories

There is a theorem among certain circles which claims female police officers are somewhat less capable of doing the job than men. In nearly twenty-seven years in law enforcement, I can honestly say this is partially true. Yes, there plenty of useless sacks of protoplasm. The pretty girls who spend a week in patrol before being transferred to some captain’s staff, or the whiny bitches who refuse to handle a job without backup. Or the badge bunnies who sleep their way to a cushy daywork, weekends off spot.

There are also some smart, tough, hardcore female police officers in my department; people who I have called friends. They do the job and do it well, and have no compunction about getting their hands dirty.

The female officers in this story are nothing like the latter.

So Frick and Frack called the division around 5:30pm Tuesday. Unfortunately, I picked up the phone and had to suffer through the idiocy. Frick stated she and Frack stopped a vehicle and they recovered a firearm. The offender stated he applied for a Permit to Carry, so Frick wanted me of all people to run the permit through the system… because apparently I work for these two bints.

“You do know you can run it through your Mobile Data Terminal in your car, right? Of you could also call the Gun Permits Unit, and they would tell you right away.”

Frick did not appreciate my answer – which is not my problem – and I told her to call back when she knew the status of the gun permit. Three and a half hours later, Frick and Frack entered the building, dropped the paperwork off at my desk, and the heading read “Investigate Object.” We use that code when someone recovered a firearm which was discarded. I entered the job into the system, and halfway through, I stopped.

“Officer, is this an arrest?”

“Why did you code this as an investigate object them? You code it like that and your arrest goes away.”

Frack looked at me like I had three heads. The supervisor who sits across from me figured he would help out these absolutely clueless dumbasses, and he explained the difference between an investigate object and a firearms arrest. He did not do so with sarcasm, sadly, but was patient with Frank.

As the supervisor is explaining how things work, Frack started walking down the aisle. The bitch actually did this as he was talking to her; just walked away form him. The supervisor called after her, “I mean, I figured you would want some advice from a supervisor who has twenty-four years on the job, and a detective who has twenty-seven years on.”

Bitch still kept walking. The supervisor looked at me and asked, “Did that actually just happen?”

Yes, yes it did. I did let the supervisor know Frick and Frack made The List, and Diego will be their personal detective from here on out.

1,275 days.

11 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. Good choice. Let the idiots drive each other crazy and those of you who know what you’re doing can keep your sanity! Frick, Frack and Diego……that’s a nightmare just waiting to happen.


  2. Ronni – It wouldn’t be as bad if they both weren’t so arrogant. This was Frack’s first arrest, and she walked in like she had thirty years on the job. If I did that in ’94 when I was a rookie, I would have something thrown at me. (The front desk detective in East Division would throw report books at stupid people.)

    Cathy – Like most big cities, the mayors are hiring woke college kids who don’t want to do the job, but want the paycheck.

    Doc – Everyone please clear the east coast!

    MelP – With every passing day, I hate the cops in my division. We lead the city in shootings and homicides, and these dolts bring in narcotics jobs and thefts from autos. Can you seriously not find actual crime in the worst part of the city?


  3. Back in the day, I came to the same conclusion as you. There probably weren’t as many women in the 70’s, but I had one really great friend who was an awesome cop. Eventually she began dating one of my best friends who worked in another agency. My wife and I did tons of stuff with both of them and they were great friends and great cops. Sadly, I have lost track of both and would really like to find them. She ended up in the FBI and he became head of a SWAT team in a large local dept. It’s really hard to find cops when you lose track of them because most cops don’t want to be found by anyone. Such is life.


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