Come and listen to my story about a man who’s dumb, a poor fat detective who couldn’t find his thumb, but then one day he was lookin’ at some food, when he realized he’s an idiotic boob. Diego, that is…
Tuesday was interesting. Diego the Idiot Detective volunteered for overtime on the graveyard shift, because they are effectively a skeleton crew. The bosses have been begging detectives to work some OT, but there are few takers. Anyway, Dummy was given an arrest where the officers locked up two utes, each for possession of a handgun. The job came in at 4:29am. Remember that for later.
I walk into the building at 6:35am and see two rookie cops struggling with their paperwork. I glance to my right and see Diego “tutoring” these young officers, and wondered if I should just turn around and take a sick day. I settled into my desk and started entering Monday’s unassigned jobs…
At about 7:15am, Diego comes over and says, “Yeah, I need a control number for this arrest.” I looked up and replied, “This job was from 4:29. Why was this not already entered?” Diego, the dumbest human I have ever known, replies, “Oh, the cops haven’t written the initial report yet.”
Angered, I quietly said, “Are you f**king kidding me? They had nearly three hours to write it!”
Diego, being a friggin’ moron, replied, “Yeah,” while giggling. As if this was funny to him. It was time I mentioned – for the 1,000th time – that I cannot enter a job without a report, since I would have to enter the information, since blank reports don’t have any damned information on them!
Dummy heads back to his desk and asks the officers to write the report – which is the first thing that needs to be done – “when you get a chance.” Even more angered, I shouted back, “You aren’t getting a control number until I have a report in my hand!”
The report, which arrived at 4:29am, finally landed on my desk at 9:15am; nearly five hours later.
But wait, there’s more! You see, since Diego is an halfwit, cannot focus, and doesn’t know the job, he rushed through the entire process, grabbed the firearms and took them to the Firearms Identification Unit (FIU). FIU is downtown, and during the day, it’s almost an hour if you consider the traffic and construction. Diego has a habit of taking his time when headed downtown, and I didn’t expect to see him again until noon. (He actually returned at 11:35.)
Diego finally arrived at FIU, and moments later he called the division. One of my detectives answered the call, and when he slammed the phone down, he yelled, “He’s a damned idiot!”
You see, when you recover firearms you need to do a few things. First, you need to complete a gun trace for the ATF. Second, you need to fill out the property receipts, and third, you need search warrants to swab the firearms for DNA. Diego had another detective complete his gun traces, because he’s a lazy POS, and “forgot” the search warrants and property receipts.
I place the word “forgot” in quotes because I believe he did this on purpose to get out of work.
So, three detectives had to stop their investigations to help Diego do his job; which he had been working on for nearly six hours. There were more than a few sentence enhancers for that half hour, I can assure you. During the cathartic screaming, I think the rest of us finally realized Diego’s game. He’s not stupid. Well, he is, but we believe there is something else going on.
He plays dumber than he is – which is frightening – but deep down, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to learn the job, he doesn’t want to do even the bare minimum on his assignments, and he couldn’t care less if his cases are tossed out of court. In short, he’s a bum, and he knows he’ll never get reprimanded, so why not just lie back and do nothing?