True Detective Stories

Come and listen to my story about a man who’s dumb, a poor fat detective who couldn’t find his thumb, but then one day he was lookin’ at some food, when he realized he’s an idiotic boob. Diego, that is…

Tuesday was interesting. Diego the Idiot Detective volunteered for overtime on the graveyard shift, because they are effectively a skeleton crew. The bosses have been begging detectives to work some OT, but there are few takers. Anyway, Dummy was given an arrest where the officers locked up two utes, each for possession of a handgun. The job came in at 4:29am. Remember that for later.

I walk into the building at 6:35am and see two rookie cops struggling with their paperwork. I glance to my right and see Diego “tutoring” these young officers, and wondered if I should just turn around and take a sick day. I settled into my desk and started entering Monday’s unassigned jobs…

At about 7:15am, Diego comes over and says, “Yeah, I need a control number for this arrest.” I looked up and replied, “This job was from 4:29. Why was this not already entered?” Diego, the dumbest human I have ever known, replies, “Oh, the cops haven’t written the initial report yet.”

Angered, I quietly said, “Are you f**king kidding me? They had nearly three hours to write it!”

Diego, being a friggin’ moron, replied, “Yeah,” while giggling. As if this was funny to him. It was time I mentioned – for the 1,000th time – that I cannot enter a job without a report, since I would have to enter the information, since blank reports don’t have any damned information on them!

Dummy heads back to his desk and asks the officers to write the report – which is the first thing that needs to be done – “when you get a chance.” Even more angered, I shouted back, “You aren’t getting a control number until I have a report in my hand!”

The report, which arrived at 4:29am, finally landed on my desk at 9:15am; nearly five hours later.

But wait, there’s more! You see, since Diego is an halfwit, cannot focus, and doesn’t know the job, he rushed through the entire process, grabbed the firearms and took them to the Firearms Identification Unit (FIU). FIU is downtown, and during the day, it’s almost an hour if you consider the traffic and construction. Diego has a habit of taking his time when headed downtown, and I didn’t expect to see him again until noon. (He actually returned at 11:35.)

Diego finally arrived at FIU, and moments later he called the division. One of my detectives answered the call, and when he slammed the phone down, he yelled, “He’s a damned idiot!”

You see, when you recover firearms you need to do a few things. First, you need to complete a gun trace for the ATF. Second, you need to fill out the property receipts, and third, you need search warrants to swab the firearms for DNA. Diego had another detective complete his gun traces, because he’s a lazy POS, and “forgot” the search warrants and property receipts.

I place the word “forgot” in quotes because I believe he did this on purpose to get out of work.

So, three detectives had to stop their investigations to help Diego do his job; which he had been working on for nearly six hours. There were more than a few sentence enhancers for that half hour, I can assure you. During the cathartic screaming, I think the rest of us finally realized Diego’s game. He’s not stupid. Well, he is, but we believe there is something else going on.

He plays dumber than he is – which is frightening – but deep down, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to learn the job, he doesn’t want to do even the bare minimum on his assignments, and he couldn’t care less if his cases are tossed out of court. In short, he’s a bum, and he knows he’ll never get reprimanded, so why not just lie back and do nothing?

1,212 days…

6 thoughts on “True Detective Stories

  1. What a craptastic work ethic Diego has! If he won’t get reprimanded then obviously will never be fired. Keep counting, Wyatt!

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  2. Ronni – Yesterday, the other detectives in my squad had a powwow and decided they aren’t helping him anymore. If he screws up, it’s on him. A long time coming, in my opinion.

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  3. Been there, done that. Had two that would conveniently get sick on the same day (just for the record, my boss at the time cut my unit down to just me & those two idiots) so no matter what, I had to come in to work. On the up side, when I retired, I had over 1,800 hours in sick added to my time served & almost 300 hours in vacation which was cashed out (somewhere north of $9,000 before taxes).

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  4. MelP – We had a minor emergency at home today, and I wanted to come home at around 10am. Of course, three detectives had court, one was in training, and another was sick. There were four of us at work, so what was I gonna do? I stayed at work, because that’s my responsibility.

    That said, my vacation starts in a few weeks, and it cannot come soon enough.

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  5. “…. so why not just lie back and do nothing?”

    So, who’s the idiot? The lazy ass who can do nothing, or the chumps who pick up his slack?

    Kinda the same with welfare. Since there’s no longer the stigma of shame in receiving it, who is the dumbass? The one who sits back and collects it, or the chumps who work 60 hours a week to make ends meet, and see that Uncle Sam takes 30% of that……?

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  6. CJB – True enough, but the problem with this department is the slackers get away with it, and the workers would get reamed if we did it. It’s a losing proposition, and I would love to sit back and watch YouTube all day, but I was raised to be responsible.

    I do, however, relish the day of my retirement, when this place literally crumbles to the ground.

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